The Cure for Pain
by MissingMcDreamy
Summary: Post S4 Story of what we could be seeing on the screen, but aren't. Meredith and Derek are finally together, but what happens when Derek's bottled fears finally surface? Communication is the key, as they lean into the wind to get their happy ending.
1. Chapter 1

_"I have to go."_

_"What?"_

_"In order to kiss you the way I want to kiss you…in order to do more than kiss you, I need to speak to Rose. I want my conscience clear so I can do more than kiss you. Stay here. Wait for me. Don't move."_

Derek and Meredith laid in their bed at the trailer, dawn creeping through the windows, thinking about that night two months ago. Somehow, they had each come to the same place, emotionally, at the same time. Derek hated stepping away from her, but he never wanted her to ever feel like the other woman again. No, he wanted to do things right this time, because it was forever.

He walked back to the trailer to call Rose. She hadn't done anything wrong, except not be Meredith, and deserved his honesty. Rose had been expecting the call, and though he could hear her voice crack at the time, she had wished them well, congratulating them both on the success with the trial. He turned off his phone and pager, not wanting any other interruptions that night. Opening the cabinet, he pulled out two champagne glasses and a blanket from his closet.

Rushing back to Meredith's intricately laid out house of candles, he kissed her how he wanted to kiss her, how she deserved to be kissed. It had been far too long since she had last been in his arms. They were home, finally home. Laying them back onto the blanket, he made love to Meredith with every ounce of his soul and body. She returned in kind, and each let out tears of joy, fear, and comfort.

They had returned to the trailer soon after. They laid in bed, gently stroking one another's bodies as they talked, really talked, about everything. Not only were their bodies naked, but so too were their hearts. Confessions were made about the struggles that each had faced, and apologies were exchanged. Derek had spoken about his fears about Meredith's drowning, which led to a discussion of Ellis' suicide and Meredith's therapy. They talked about Rose, and Finn, and Addison, and never once were voices raised. In that silver metal cocoon of the trailer, they were insulated from the world, completely safe.

They had broken ground on their home a few weeks after reconciling. Playful jabs were tossed about as they trashed Derek's original blueprints and started from scratch, together. It was to be the house that Derek _and_ Meredith built, not just one or the other. When either of them had a morning shift, they spent the night at Meredith's house, but otherwise, their time was spent at the trailer, and on the land.

Now, two months later, laying in bed they were again at peace. The trial had gained momentum since their success with Beth. They had not been able to save everyone from that point forward but had more successes than losses. A buzz was spreading throughout the medical community about their groundbreaking work. Derek no longer felt like a failure, and knew that he could never have reached this place without the tiny woman by his side.

"You up?" Derek asked, softly, into Meredith's hair.

"Mmmhmm," she murmured.

He shifted slightly to his nightstand, trying not to disturb her too much, his arm wrapped around her. "Give me your hand."

"Why?" she giggled, handing him her left hand that had been draped across his chest.

"Your other hand. And you'll see." He could barely contain his excitement for this moment.

She felt him reposition himself and then felt cool metal slide onto her right ring finger. It was a claddagh ring, and a beautiful one at that.

"Derek?"

"Mer, we're taking our time and doing this our way, but I wanted…we…" He was at a loss for words, momentarily, as he looked into her sleepy but bright eyes. "Damn, you are so beautiful." He grasped her face with both hands. As he kissed her, she felt cool metal again, this time against her cheek. Taking his hand in hers, she noticed a matching ring. "It's a claddagh ring. I don't want to ever have you doubt that you have captured my heart, and I know we've said how this is it…"

He took a deep breath, as his eyes grew wet with emotion, finally composing himself and continuing. "When I propose to you, you'll know it, but for right now, I just wanted to show you that I am yours, forever."

Meredith glanced at her hand and then at his, bringing her hand to her lips as if opening her mouth would cause her heart to come racing out. Finally lowering her hand, all that she could utter was "Oh…". It was a sigh. Derek tensed momentarily as he waited to see if this had been too much.

They had done so well these last months, and he had taken pains to ensure that he didn't push her. Derek had to learn to really see Meredith, and was figuring out how to operate on a plane with her, not on his own, trying to drag her along. Meredith, on the other hand, was learning to grant Derek that faith that he had asked for years ago when he introduced her to his trailer. Bit by bit, the trust that they so dearly needed was falling into place. The corners of Meredith's eyes began to turn up in a smile, matching the grin slowly creeping across her lips.

"Thank you, Derek." Her smile was sweet, taking in the sentiment of the rings. They weren't on any timeline. There would never be another person that would come between them again, and with that knowledge, they didn't want to rush a wedding. Derek's marriage to Addison had been so much for appearances, whereas his love for Meredith wasn't something he needed to prove to anyone except Meredith. "I love it. I love you. This…you…perfect…Dammit!" she moaned as a proud tear fell down her cheek. "You still can McDreamy me, you ass!"

He laughed at her frustration with her emotions. She had continued speaking with Dr. Wyatt, and was finally getting comfortable with the idea that emotions were not a sign of weakness, but rather one of strength.

"Come here," Derek said, as he pulled her in for a passionate kiss. They had a few hours until their meeting with the Chief, and used that time to their advantage. He knew her body, how to make her moan, and he would spend the rest of his life making sure she knew it.

* * *

Meredith and Derek walked into Richard's office that Monday, unsure of what the meeting was for, though they assumed it had something to do with the clinical trial.  
Meredith had apologized to Richard for her outburst a few months back. Their lives had awkwardly woven paths, but he was still her Chief of Surgery. She had been disrespectful to him in that capacity, when she was really mad at him for a having played a completely different role in her life. He was a father figure, a destroyer of her mother, a mentor to Derek. It was all so confusing at times, and when the lines had blurred, she had been insubordinate. Luckily, the risk had paid off for everyone, garnering positive press for Seattle Grace.  
"Thanks for stopping by. How's the journal article coming?" Richard inquired.

Derek looked at Meredith, wanting to give her the opportunity to answer and shine, his face beaming with pride.

"It's…uh…good! I'm having my interns help standardize the data and Derek is helping me with…well, I'm helping him with the talking points and…" she was rambling, and couldn't help herself. This was all so new. It was overwhelming and exhilarating all at the same time. The fact that she and Derek were breaking ground together, both literally and figuratively, was tremendously comforting.

"It should be wrapped up for submission this week," Derek said, completing her thought as he gave her hand a little squeeze in support. He was so impressed by the surgeon and woman she was becoming. No longer 'just an intern', she had driven the trial when he had questioned everything about it and himself. He had never had to question himself, but with Meredith, he had to question everything. That questioning, however, was a source of strength for them both, as they continued to learn about each other in a very new way.

Richard hit the pager on his phone, and summoned in Patricia. She walked in, handing him some pamphlets and then left again, giving the three their privacy. "Derek, do you know James Cassler out at Mass Gen?"

"Head of Neuro back in Boston, yeah, I've grabbed a few drinks with him at conferences over the years, why?"

"He's asking you both to come out and do some in house training so that they can expand the trial. The IRB has already approved their request, and they have the funding for you to work onsite there for a month. That way you can get their team up to speed, share ideas, and really break this thing open."

"Wait…they want me out there?" Meredith was amazed. The last time someone had really requested her, it was Derek's wife. This time, someone wanted her for her skills, not some sick form of torture. Her heart was pounding so hard, she was worried the men could hear it.

"Well, of course," Richard said assuredly. "The chance to have Ellis Grey's daughter helping to further medical history would be a big coup for them."

Her face dropped a bit, hearing this. They only wanted her so they could ride on her mother's legacy. Her mother had been a big name back in Boston. Meredith hadn't been back there since moving all of Ellis' belongings back to Seattle after the Alzheimers' diagnosis. "I…I don't know, Chief. I appreciate the opportunity and all, but…"

"This isn't an option, Grey. Both hospitals are already on board with this, and Seattle Grace…I need you to do this," Richard urged.

"Chief, give us a sec." Derek sighed, hoping to buy a few moments alone with Meredith. She had come so far, and needed to know why she was panicking all of a sudden. She had been furiously studying her toes, and Derek shot Richard a pleading look. He nodded, and left the room for a few minutes to handle some scheduling issues with Patricia.

"Mer? What's wrong?" Derek asked. He turned his chair so he could be closer to her, placing his strong hands over hers, which were resting on her knees. They were both in their scrubs, and Meredith had pulled her hair into a messy ponytail as usual. She turned her head up, looking him in the eyes but then broke the glance out of embarrassment.

"They don't want me there, you should go."

"Of course they want you there, how could they not? This trial is only possible because of you."

"They don't want me, Derek. They want Ellis Grey's daughter." The bitterness as she said her mother's name was apparent in her words, as she wondered if she could ever emerge from out of her mother's always present shadow.

"Oh, Mer," Derek sympathized, as he tilted his head with a half-frown at her. "You can't let who your mother was stand in your way of taking your shot."

"You have said something similar to me before," she managed to laugh.

"And I was right, wasn't I?"

Meredith took in a deep breath, as she thought back to their first surgery with Katie Bryce. "You were."

"Listen, I've been at this game for years now. You're making a name for yourself with this trial, everyone's going to be talking about the young neuro phenom when our study gets published. Yeah, everyone knows your mother, especially in Boston, but Mer, she was a general surgeon. You're making a name for yourself in your own right, not because of her, because of you." He brought a tender hand to cup her cheek, giving her that look…their look. "You need to do this for you. Getting out there and networking is going to be great for you, and hell, if you can use your mom's name to get in the door, there's nothing to be ashamed about with that. I'd do it if I could."

Meredith finally smiled as she said, "You could always change your name to Grey when we get married someday, you know."

"Oh no, you're definitely going to be a Shepherd," Derek half joked back. He had assumed she'd take his name, but for the first time thought that perhaps she'd want to keep her own.

"We'll see about that," she smirked. She knew she'd take his name one day, but there was nothing wrong with making him work for it. "Okay."

"Okay? You're in?"

"I'm in," she affirmed.

"Thank god," he exhaled. "It feels like I just got you back. I couldn't imagine being away from you for a whole month. He took his hands, running them up and down her arms, finally giving them a quick squeeze as he stood up to call Richard back.

"Chief, I think we're ready for you," Derek said as he opened the door.

Richard walked back in, sitting on the edge of his desk. Looking back and forth at his star team, he waited for one of them to speak first.

"When do we leave?" Meredith asked with a slightly forced smile.

"Not quite yet, you have about a week. I want you to wrap up what you have on your plates here, give you time to get set up. You'll start a few days after you get there. Do you..um…" Richard looked out his window momentarily. He needed to put a few of his hats on for this next topic. "Should I book one room or two at the hotel?"

"One," they both said in unison, then sharing a look.

"Oh, ok…great! Um…that's…wonderful…really." Richard was happy but visibly nervous. He never was comfortable around the more interpersonal issues of his staff, and certainly not the girl who he had seen in diapers with the man he had helped develop as a surgeon. Coughing his way out of the line of conversation, bringing a fist to his chest, he turns to more professional matters. "Great, so, I'll talk to Patricia and get everything set. MassGen is picking up most of the costs, so just don't go overboard. They're going to have a few meet and greats for you both, so bring some more formal clothes for the trip. Here's James' number, he's expecting your call, and can get the staff on top of supplies. Any questions can be directed at him. I'll be here when you both return." Slapping Derek on the shoulder, he said, "Good job you two, go make me proud."

"Thank you, Chief," Meredith blushed a bit. She shook his hand and left the room, Derek following the same pattern behind her.

They walked down the hall towards Derek's office, as Meredith took a deep breath, shaking out her hands. Sitting in Richard's office, they had tightened into nervous fists, but this was going to be okay. She was going back to Boston, the city where she had spent most of her life. It seemed that almost overnight she had moved out there as her mother fled a life without Richard, and just as instantaneously, she had moved back to Seattle. Both moves had been in essence, needed to care for her mother. Once was for her wounded heart the other for her decaying mind. This time, she had to remind herself, that while everyone at the hospital knew Ellis Grey, it was Meredith Grey that they were wanting to work with.

"Are you okay with all this, Mer?"

"Yeah…no...yes." She shook her head in confusion as they stood outside his door, Derek reaching for his keys.

Opening his door and sitting on his couch, Derek thought for a moment. He needed to let her vent before letting her go for rounds. She rested her head on his shoulder, and he brought his arm around her, kissing the top of her head.

Meredith let out the air she had been holding in her lungs, bringing her head up to look at Derek. "I just haven't been back there, Derek. My whole life was out there, and I had to leave it all and come back here to Seattle to take care of my mother."

"I think I know a thing or two about moving your whole life from one coast to the other," Derek sweetly grinned at her. Neither of them had considered this similarity. Now that they had started over, they found so many of them. They had each uprooted their lives because of another person, Derek because of Addison, and Meredith because of Ellis. "Things turned out okay for both of us, and this will be good." He straightened up a little in his seat at the prospect. "Fun, even. You can be the expert, show me the sights. If there's one thing that we New Yorkers are bad with, it's Boston."

If Meredith was apprehensive about going back to Boston, she had begun to come around to the idea. She would finally be able to bring some closure to a huge chapter of her life. "I could make a few calls, there are a few people who'd probably want to see me back there."

"See? It'll be great, our first trip together. Listen, we have work now, but later, we can talk about it some more, okay? Maybe we can go check out the house and see how it's coming before we head out of town." Derek noticed that work on the house always seemed to rejuvenate Meredith, and perhaps that would get her to settle down a bit. As much progress as they had made together, and her on her own, she was still prone to getting flustered. It was just part of who she was. A part of him did love taking care of her, though he'd never say that out loud, for fear of being beaten to a pulp by her tiny ineffectual fists.

At the mere mention of the house, as Derek predicted, Meredith truly began to smile. "That's a good idea. We should schedule a meeting with the contractor, to let him know we'll be gone for a bit. "

"Maybe we can get someone to watch things for us while we're gone. Do you think Cristina would want to do that?"

"Are there heart surgeries going on there?" Meredith asked, cracking herself up.

"I guess not. Izzie?"

"Derek…We're going for a clean contemporary look, and we'd come back to 'Little House on the Prairie'."

"Good point."

"How about George?"

"O'Malley? Yeah. He's the responsible type. I wouldn't even ask Mark, we'd have to burn the sheets."

"Ugh, I don't even want to think about that," Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'll talk to George, and then check on my interns."

"Good, when you're done come back here. We can get the finishing touches done on the article and then give Cassler a call. I'll get his fellow to send over the patient files, so we can start reviewing them. While you're gone, I'll get a memo out to the neuro department about our schedule. They can keep taking patients referrals, but no one who needs emergent surgery while we're gone."

"My world-class neurosurgeon! What would I do without you?" She may have been mocking him, but the blush in her cheeks still gave her away. She kissed him back quickly and slapped her hands down on her thighs as she stood up. "So you'll be here when I am done with rounds?"

"I'll be right here."

Meredith quickly kissed Derek as she turned and headed out the door. This was okay. She hadn't actually left Boston on bad terms. She still had friends back east, and a number of her classmates had actually wound up at Mass Gen. It was even likely that she would know a number of the surgeons at the hospital from the various events her mother had dragged her to.

For once, Meredith was the one with the advantage. She knew the halls of the hospital, and many of the key players. Hell, the Chief of Surgery's office was her home away from home when Ellis couldn't find a sitter in the earlier years. She could navigate the streets with speed and precision, as evidenced by the many tickets she had racked up as a teen. The more she thought about it, the more excited she became.

Turning the corner she slammed right into her sister, both Grey girls had been lost in thought.

"Lexie! Hey, sorry…oh, wait…you almost did your residency at Mass Gen, right?"

Confused at the question, Lexie nodded.

"I actually am going there for a month starting next week."

"Are you taking a vacation out there or something?"

"Yeah, a vacation at Mass Gen." Meredith smirked, "No, Derek and I have been asked to expand the trial, and want us to go set up the program for them."  
"That's…wow, Mer…that's so neat. You should be really proud and stuff."

"It's kinda cool, right?"

"Very," Lexie agreed. She was in awe, like any girl would be of her big sister. "Do you know Boston well?"

Meredith paused momentarily. She had really begun letting Lexie into her life, but somehow had missed mentioning this. "Um…yeah, my mom moved us out there after…" Meredith looked down at her hands before Lexie picked up the sentence.

"Dad and her broke up. I think I heard about that from my mom, I totally forgot." Lexie had no idea if Boston was a sore subject for her sister or not, and was scared about bringing up potentially bad subjects. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to open up a can of worms or anything, I just wanted to give you some places you could good go and maybe you like totally different things and now you are laughing at me which means I'm rambling and should really shut up, please tell me to stop talking."

"It's okay Lex. I liked Boston, a lot even. I was kinda surprised at first, but now…yeah, Derek and me out there teaching people? Kinda perfect." Meredith had a genuine smile cross her face. This wasn't about Ellis or fleeing a problem, this was about going somewhere, moving forward. "Hey, have you seen George?"

"George? Seen? Me? No. No George here." Lexie's eyes were a bit wide at the mention of George's name, but luckily Meredith hadn't noticed. "I think he's back in the residents' lounge."

"Ok. Thanks Lex. Listen, maybe we can grab a bite before we head east. You've been there more recently than me anyway with Harvard and stuff. You could give me a little refresher."

"I'd like that."

"Great then. Okay, see you later, Lex."

"See ya, Mer."

Boston. In a week they'd head to Boston, and Meredith was truly happy.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

"How the hell have you done these things before?"

"What do you mean?" Mark asked his best friend.

"Clinical trials. The sheer volume of paperwork involved is ridiculous."

"This surprises you how, exactly? I seem to remember being in med school with you."

"How did you, of all people, have the patience for this? You can't even date a woman for more than a week, much less commit to months of this stuff." Derek felt like he was drowning in paperwork, getting ready for the expansion of the trial. Mark had done plenty of groundbreaking research in his career, but Derek had always stuck to being the best at more proven techniques.

"I dunno," Mark shrugged, sitting down in Derek's office while Derek sat at the round table. "Just never bothered me. I like new and exciting. The way I see it, gives me more leverage with the ladies when you can do things that have never been done before."

"Only you could bring a clinical trial back to sex."

"Right, like you and Grey haven't been screwing like rabbits since the trial got huge."

Derek grinned at the thought and then shook his head. "The trial has nothing to do with it."

"You keep telling yourself that, man." Mark paused as a light went on in his mind. "Wait a second."

"What?"

Mark just started laughing from the bottom of his gut at Derek.

"WHAT, MARK?"

"Grey totally used it on you."

"Used what?"

"The trial man. It was her idea, right?"

"Right, but she couldn't do it without me. I'm the neurosurgeon."

"Oh, she SO got you, even made you think it was all about you. I gotta hand it to her. Think about it. She drove this whole thing, and the second you guys saved a life…rabbits."

"She's gonna be one of the greats, Mark. She's really good." Mark was right, to some extent. Meredith had driven the trial, and Derek was just one piece needed to get it off the ground. She had the forethought to try to save the patients and do the research. She didn't seem to have a hint of the fear of failure that he had been so consumed by. There was no question in his mind that she would far outshine her mother one day, and he was just honored to be a part of it.

"She'd have to be to get you into clinical trials, you've avoided them like the plague." He knew Derek didn't try anything that he didn't already know he'd be good at, and Mark had seen the self-doubt that had crept in during the early months of the research.

"I was too busy being the best at my job, didn't have time for trials," Derek tried to deflect.

"You don't get into the textbooks just for being good at something someone else figured out how to do. Boards of Directors just eat this shit up. Richard's gotta be a pig in shit with all this press."

"Yeah, we've gotten a ton of money for the department coming in from all the buzz. It's just, damn, it's so hard not knowing the answers. There are so many variables, and it's still so early. We have so much more to learn."

"It's the journey," Mark remarked simply.

"Huh?" Derek queried, looking up at Mark.

"Didn't you tell me once that life isn't always about the destination, that it's about the journey? That's the cool part, the trial, it's the journey. You're figuring it out, forging the new path and all that."

"I suppose we are." Derek finally agreed. "Still hate the paperwork though."

"That's what fellows are for, dummy. Get them to do the writing, and you get to check it over and sign your name. That's the best part. You've already done the hardest piece, let them do the gruntwork."

"At least in Boston, I can just teach, I've always been better at that than you."

"Yeah, I heard you're leaving me all alone for a month. Going out to Beantown for work with Grey, huh?"

"Richard asked us to go out to Boston to grow the trial. You know she lived there most of her life?"

"Really? Wouldn't have picked her for a New Englander."

"Yeah, she and her mother moved out there when…Meredith was just a kid. Moved back right after I came out here, actually." Derek didn't want to divulge any of Meredith's past unnecessarily, it wasn't his story to tell.

"Interesting," Mark remarked as he stroked his chin.

"Howso?"

"Well, just that the two of you were probably just a few hundred miles apart and came out here around the same time. Interesting."

Derek considered this. It was interesting, actually, almost as if they were magnets that had been drawn to one another. They probably couldn't have stayed apart if they tried, and clearly they had tried. "What if…what if we can't get the same success out there?"

"Why wouldn't you? You've documented everything, figured out some of the limits.

"I dunno. She's…Mer doesn't think we'll have a problem, but I don't know. She and I…we're in sync. What if we can't get other people to recreate that magic?"

"Yeah, but why worry about that yet? You're going to set it up, and you said it yourself, you like teaching."

"I guess. I just wish I knew it would work."

"Chickenshit."

"No," Derek protested. "Just a realist. These are people's lives we're playing with, and her career. I don't want to let her down."

"Oh, so not chickenshit. Just being a girl. Grey's got this covered. Just go with the flow, and stop worrying so much."

Derek sighed as he continued to work. He loved this project, but sometimes he missed the safety of his regular work. He could have been completely fine just going through life without taking the risk of the trial, but with Meredith he took those risks. He paused his typing as he thought about Meredith's face each time they discovered something new, her eyes bright at the wonder of it all. He wished he could be as fearless as she was. Somehow, with all that life had dealt her, Meredith found a reason to believe, to hope, to dream. Now that he had taken the leap with her, there was no turning back, and he had to pray that she had enough faith for both of them.

* * *

It had been a long day. After waking up at her house, Meredith had dragged herself away from Derek to take the early shift. Derek hadn't come in until closer to their last trial patient's surgery mid-day. He had offered to stay with the patient after, allowing Meredith to have a meal with her friends back at her house. She almost collapsed as she came through her front door, dragging herself across the threshold. Izzie had been home early that day, however, and the scent of a home-cooked meal wafted through the house, pulling Meredith towards the kitchen.

"Mmmm," Meredith cooed as she broke off a piece of the freshly baked bread.

"NO!" Izzie shrieked as she slapped Meredith's hand. "That's for dinner, Mer!"

"But I'm hungry nowwwwww," Meredith moaned as she slid onto a stool.

Izzie giggled at her friend as she put the finishing touches on the roast she had made for all of the former interns.

"You didn't have to do all this, Iz."

"I'm not gonna see you for over a month! I don't know if Derek can cook or not, or if you'll even have a kitchen out there if he does. I had to make sure you have something other than fast food to send you on your way."

"Thanks. It's gonna be weird not being here for so much."

Izzie gave Meredith a look. "I am sure you'll figure out a way to survive. Anyhow, the house is really coming along from the pictures Derek was showing me earlier. You'll have to get used to it sooner or later."

Meredith giggled. Derek was so cheesy sometimes. You'd never know he was in his 40s with the way he rattled on about the house they were building. "He showed you pictures?"  
"'And the pantry is gonna go here, and the counters in the kitchen will be soapstone, and the greatroom will overlook the cliff'" Izzie squawked, mocking Derek's enthusiasm. "It's like he's waited his whole life for this place."

"We kinda both have."

"I think it's great Mer, really. You seem…happy."

"I am, Iz. It's kinda freaky, right?"

"A little. I think Cris is more scared of happy Mer than I am, but still…a little freaky, I'm not gonna lie," Izzie laughed.

"Where are the eats at?" Alex boomed as he sauntered into the kitchen, almost able to grab a piece of bread before Izzie smacked his hand as well. "I'm starvin' out there."

"It's done, it's done. Help me bring it into the dining room, Alex." Izzie sighed. She feigned annoyance, but she really did love being the momma hen of the house. She yelled into the other room for more assistance, "GEORGE, COME HELP BRING DINNER IN."

Around the table were all of Meredith's friends. Izzie, Alex, Cristina, George, and even Lexie, who had recently passed her intern exam. "Where are you staying in Boston?" George asked.

"I dunno, some corporate housing place. Since we're gonna be out there for a while, Chief got us a two bedroom thingy with a kitchen and stuff, in case anyone wants to come and visit."

"OOH! I totally wanna come out there, Mer!" Lexie exclaimed.

"God, Lex, she was just being polite. She'll be too busy screwing her boyfriend to have people over," Cristina groaned with an evil smile before Meredith shot her a death glare. "What? You know it's true."

Meredith just shrugged in response. She didn't really have a good comeback to that. "Lexie, I'd love it if you came to visit. Plus, we could find a way to get you to scrub in."

The group laughed, griped and talked like they always had, but on some level, they all knew that dinners like this were becoming more and more rare. Izzie was busy with the clinic, Hahn was finally letting Cristina run her own OR on some of the less complex cases, George was working extra time trying to get caught up to the other residents, and between the trial and Derek, Meredith was hardly ever at her house.

"Hey Alex, what do you think of the new OB/GYN Attending?" George asked.

"He's okay, I guess. Good to have another dude on the vagina squad with me." Alex would never admit it, but he missed Addison sometimes. Sure, they had their tryst, but she had been the one doctor who got him to care about his patients. It was the babies. The babies were innocent, unharmed by the world, and for that reason, they were worth protecting in Alex's eyes. "We have some pretty neat cases coming in while you're gone."

"So you think you're gonna stay with OB/GYN for your specialty?" Meredith asked.

Alex just shrugged at her, "Yeah, whatever. Don't make a big deal about it or anything."

"Alex, that's great. I think it's a good fit."

"Hey, I get to look at vaginas all day, I could think of worse things to do," he rolled off cockily.

"It's gonna be so weird not seeing everyone. Lex, you'll need to keep track of all the good gossip for me. I know you'll remember all of it."

Lexie turned a bright shade of pink as she smacked George. "You told her?"

"Nothing stays a secret at Seattle Grace, Xerox, you should know that by now." Cristina quipped.

"Oh god," Lexie groaned, burying her face in her hands. "I'm so mortified."

"Don't be," Cristina said frankly. "I'm just glad you're on our team. Do you know what peds or psych'd do with your superpowers?" Cristina shuddered at the thought.

Alex piped in, "So what are you gonna do with this place when your McMansion is done?"

"I dunno, I hadn't thought about it much. I mean, we still stay here when we have early or late shifts. We don't need two houses though. I mean, the house is going to be done in a few months, and I'm just not here that much. It isn't fair to make you guys do all the maintenance on it, maybe we should just get a small studio near the hospital in case there's something big going on. That way we can just crash." Meredith rambled as she looked quickly back and forth between Alex and Izzie, occasionally at the others for moral support. She was only met with blank stares.

"Grey. You're tweaking," said Alex.

"Where would you and Izzie live?" George asked Alex.

"OOH OOH! SOLD!" Izzie shouted, giddiness apparent in her voice.

Everyone turned to stare at the bubbly blonde.

"I still have some money left over from modeling. I could put in a down payment." Her eyes got more and more wide at the idea. "I could finally get the big room, no offense Mer, my room's pretty small."

"Really Iz?" Meredith asked, a bit unsure if she was serious.

"Totally, plus, then Alex could be my bitch."

"Whatever, Barbie, you just want to watch me clean the windows," Alex barbed as he flexed for the table.

"And on that note, I think dinner is over," George said, disgusted at the show Alex was putting on. He took his and Lexie's plates into the kitchen. "Dinner was great Iz, thanks."

"Yeah, and Mer, we can talk about plans later?" Lexie asked hopefully.

"Definitely, yeah."

Lexie and George headed off to their crapartment, as the remaining four finished their wine around the table. "So Mer, this is really happening, huh? You and Derek, I mean?"

"It's really happening, Iz. It's been hard, but this is it for us."

"He knows that if he screws up again, I'm kicking his ass, right?" Alex said, with all sincerity.

"Not if I run over him with my motorcycle first," Cristina quipped, clinking glasses with Alex.

"I don't think there will be any murdering necessary this time. No wives, no nurses, just us."

"You two are so cute," Izzie cooed.

Meredith rolled her eyes, but ultimately had to agree. "You know, for once, being a grownup? Kinda doesn't suck."


	3. Chapter 3

With just one more day until they left for Boston, Meredith and Derek were finalizing plans for their big endeavor. They were going to do a last walk though of the house with George that night, and just had to review the patient files with the MassGen team once more.

"What we're looking at is a very specific genetic karyotype on the patient history. We need to figure out if there is a genetic link between all of the patient successes," Meredith calmly spoke into the speakerphone. She had really thrown herself into the trial, attempting to uncover any detail she could about the causes and possible cure that they had been developing.

"Excellent observation, Dr. Grey," Dr. Cassler remarked. "The two of you really are quite the team."

Meredith and Derek were sitting in Derek's office, papers strewn everywhere, as they shared a glance and a smile. "We try our best," Derek humbly replied.

"Do you both have any other questions about the patients we have lined up for you? I was hoping that you could show us the technique on the first one. After that, perhaps my team could begin scrubbing in more on each subsequent patient. We have about 15 lined up."

Derek wrinkled his brow a bit at the number. "15 is a very aggressive goal, Dr. Cassler, do you have the infrastructure to support that pace?"

"With the volume of patients who qualified, I was able to get additional funding from the NIH to move this forward as fast as possible. You and Dr. Grey there have created quite the stir. But to answer your question, yes, I have the staff and tools in place to ensure that we can make the most of your time on site with us."

"Looking at Mr. Bonder's file, I think he may be the best candidate for treatment. Do you think that you could arrange for Dr. Shepherd and me to demonstrate the procedure with his case? It would allow us to follow him through the entire recovery period, and give a good example for your staff."

"I was thinking the same thing, Dr. Grey. I'll talk to Mr. Bonder, and clear it with him, but I think he'll just be elated to get this going sooner rather than later. He doesn't have any other complications, which is amazing, given the location of the tumor. It will allow us to get some very clear visuals of his progress."

Meredith spoke up again, "Dr. Cassler, are there any other questions you have for us before we begin to close up things out here? We can always have items sent out east, but I think it will be best if we come prepared."

"Are you sure you're only in your residency, Dr. Grey? No, I think we're all set on our end. I'll be at Logan to pick you both up and get you settled in. With the time difference, we wanted to give you some time to acclimate, but would love it if you could both stop by the next day to introduce yourselves. I'll have my fellow, Dr. Reinhart show you around."

"That'd be great James," Derek casually said. "We've got a lot of work to do, so the sooner we get settled, the better."

"Wonderful, well, we're all looking forward to having medical royalty visit, and of course you as well Derek. See you tomorrow."

Derek hung up the phone, his ego a bit bruised from the sign off. If it had been anyone but Meredith, he'd be pissed at playing second fiddle, but for her, he could see past it – mostly. "Guess I'm chopped liver, huh?"

"Well, we do need something pretty for all the nurses to look at, don't sell yourself short, Dr. Shepherd," Meredith playfully jabbed.

"Ouch," Derek winced, wondering if Meredith was making reference to his past…whatever it was with Rose. If she was though, Meredith didn't show any distress, as she kept getting more excited as she gathered up the papers from all over the room. This was her labor of love. Derek watched as she flitted about the room, placing items in folders and then folders in the portable carrier that would be shipped out for them.

"How are you so calm about all this?"

Meredith just shrugged, she wasn't thinking about the enormity of it all, she was just going with it. "We've learned so much Derek, I mean, people want us to teach them. Can you believe it? It's just so...I dunno. We did it though. WE did it."

Derek's face had dropped a bit over the past hour. He was nervous, really nervous. He loved teaching, but he taught textbook cases and proven methods. "What if it's different out there, Mer? They'll think we're frauds."

Meredith stopped what she was doing and looked Derek in the eyes. He was terrified. She saw it, the fear behind his eyes. She hadn't seen it herself, but it was the same look he had when he wasn't sure if Meredith had survived the bomb explosion. It was as if his eyes couldn't sit still, while his body was all but paralyzed. "Do you really think that Derek? That people will think we made it all up?"

"I don't know," he admitted quietly, looking down.

"Derek," she said, grabbing his face to look up at her. "We did this. Beth, she's alive because of us. There are 12 other patients that are on this earth because you and I…we did something together that no one else could do for them. Now we have the chance to get others to help people too. We can do this, okay?"

Derek couldn't look Meredith in the eye, and looking up and away instead. He was too proud to be weak in front of her. If he wasn't her world-class neurosurgeon, would she still love him as much? He needed to be strong. He needed to be the one propping her up, not the other way around. He was used to being the one in control, the one with the answers. In this moment though, he had none. He had fear, and worry. He needed to figure out a way to summon the strength to not be strong around her, to let down his guard and his ego.

Meredith wasn't sure how to help Derek. He had been so excited about Boston earlier in the week, but now something was just, well, off. "Listen, we don't have all the answers, but no one ever does. Mysteries still exist. What we did though, it wasn't about the magic. The magic was in the discovery. The science has given us the rest. You know science, you can do science."

"How did you get to be so brave?" Derek asked, finally looking at Meredith directly. "You amaze me, Meredith. You really do." His voice was warm, welcoming. He needed her to comfort him, to remind him that this was a good thing, that the hardest part was behind them. As much as he hated to admit it, there was something about their last breakup and the beginning of the trial that had shaken him to his very core. On one hand, he appreciated things more. He wasn't taking anything in his life for granted. Unfortunately, he also was hyperaware of how quickly life could slip through his fingers, leaving him with nothing but doubts and regret.

* * *

"Where's my green sweater?"

"The one you asked me about 10 minutes ago?"

"Have you seen it?"

"Your green sweater? No." Derek shook his head. "I can't find my sport coat."

Meredith scrunched up her face, deep in thought. "Oh!" she proclaimed, lifting off her coat over from the top of his, handing it to him.

"Okay, I think that's everything," he said, shutting the suitcase they were bringing with them. They had some other items shipped out to the apartment earlier in the week, and were now just getting the last items they would need for their month away.

"Except my sweater, Derek, I want my green sweater."

"We can get a new green sweater if you can't find it."

"But I want _my_ green sweater!" Meredith sighed and plopped down on the bed, falling onto her back.

Derek slipped down beside her, propping himself up on his elbow. "You ready to head to the airport? The car should be here soon."

Meredith took in a deep breath, taking it all in. The room, the moment, the excitement to come. "I just want to sit here for a moment." This was huge, and Meredith knew it. Exhaling slowly, she said, "I think I'm going to sell the house to Izzie."

Derek tilted his head in a bit of shock, he hadn't thought much about what would happen to Meredith's house when they moved in together. He had assumed they wouldn't keep it, but at the same time, he knew what a grand move selling her parents' house was. "Are you okay with that?"

"I think…yeah, I think so. It's good that she's going to buy it, right? That's not too weird? It was Thatcher and my mom's home, and then, just my mom's home, and then mine. Now it'll be Izzie's. I lived out east most of my life, but still. So many things happened in this house. Some good, some not so good. Mostly good lately though," she said, smiling at Derek.  
She continued on, "Going out to Boston, I mean, if I was going to tell anyone where I was from, I'd probably say Massachusetts, that was home. I know it's weird, it's just a part of my life that I never shared much with anyone. When I moved back here…" She paused. "It was my mom…and then you…and then everything else. Everyone knew I lived here and Boston just never came up. I'm excited though…to share it with you. I don't think anyone else would appreciate it the same way." Meredith stood as if to signify that she was ready to move on, not just to Boston, but for bigger things, for their new life.

"I can't convince you to come back down here for a second, can I?" Derek asked playfully, mock-pulling her arm. Things were good, and he was happy. For the first time in ages he felt alive, but getting in that cab was daunting to him. He loved how things were right now. The peaceful feeling was peppered with guilt though, because he had said things to Meredith, pushed her. She had been trying, and he wanted more, and he pushed her. This feeling he had, it let him relive the guilt, because he was beginning to understand where she was when she wanted to run.

Derek didn't want to run from Meredith, far from it. Rather, he wanted to steal her away from the world, to live in their safe cocoon where no one could hurt them. Meredith fell on top of Derek, giggling as he pulled her towards him. She kissed him hard on the lips, but just as fast stood up again, pulling him up with her.

"We're gonna be late, which you don't want to be for a flight across the country." She looked out the window and noticed the cab waiting for them.

"Fiiiine," Derek groaned, slightly aroused and uncomfortable. Damn, she was sexy when she took charge of things. "But when we get to Boston, there better be some sex."

They made their way down the stairs, Meredith recounting all the items she had wanted to pack. She knew she could get whatever she needed back east, but she hated feeling as if she had left something behind. Derek could see the gears turning in her head, and as they were on their way to the airport, he asked, "Did you forget something?"

"Clothes, toothbrush, something fancy, files, underwear, my old phone book," she rattled off, counting away on her fingers to no one in particular. "Did you tell the contractor that George would be checking on things?"

"I even introduced them this afternoon. And I asked George to pick up our mail at the trailer, so that's taken care of too."

"Oh, good! That's not it though."

"Got your favorite sneakers?"

"Packed those."

"Makeup bag?"

"Are you saying I'm ugly?"

"What? No. I was…I mean," Derek stammered nervously.

"I do actually try to look human outside of the hospital, you know."

"Did you change your voicemail at work?"

"Shit. No." She pulled him in for a kiss. "Thank you! That would have driven me nuts the entire flight."

"We can't have you going nuts, now can we?"

"Hey, I'm not as nuts as I was, Dr. Wyatt says I'm doing remarkably well for parents as fucked up as mine!" she said proudly.

"Oh, well, then she must be nuts too," he cackled a bit at her, just to see what she'd do.

"I'll show you nuts, mister," she said, as she frantically began to tickle Derek. Meredith squealed as Derek began to move over her kissing her quickly all over her face and neck until she was crying uncle.

The driver cleared his throat, reminding the pair that they were not alone. "Which airline?"

Derek wiped his mouth dry, a huge grin on his face, "Uh…um…Delta, thanks." He settled back against the seat, bringing Meredith to rest against him, feeling her giggle against his chest.

"You two going on your honeymoon or somethin'?" the driver asked, attempting conversation.

Meredith and Derek shared a look, Meredith smiling to let Derek know she was okay. "Not our honeymoon, no."

"Well, I wish my wife looked at me like you two look at each other. How long you been married?" He had seen the rings but it hadn't registered that they were on the wrong hands to be wedding bands.

"Oh. We're not…" Derek started to explain, but Meredith put her hands on his lips first.

"Thank you. We're just lucky, I think." She pressed a kiss to Derek's lips and gave him a look. With just a flash of her smile, she was able to convey that she knew that luck had nothing to do with how happy they were, that their love was something they earned.

* * *

Derek's eyes were bloodshot. The flight was uneventful, but he couldn't get any sleep. Instead, he figured he could use the time to review the cases, making sure that he had memorized the details of each one. Meredith had been curled up against him almost the entire flight, looking like she hadn't a care in the world. A few times she woke up to look at him and smile, but drifted back off to sleep.

Derek had never been able to sleep on planes, not the last few flights he had taken at least. There always seemed to be something that kept his mind active. He was a man that got up at 4am to fish. Sitting on the plane, with its re-circulated air, and little space to move wasn't his idea of a pleasant way to spend 6 hours. Combined with his recent bouts of anxiety over the trial expansion, he couldn't wait to land.

He furiously scribbled notes as reminders to himself. He needed to keep himself busy. He wanted this to be perfect. As a practitioner of medicine, he knew there was simply no way to save every patient, but as Derek Shepherd, Neurosurgeon, that was just not an option. He knew that every problem had a solution if he just worked harder at it. He could always work harder, he thought.

"Am I snoring?" Meredith asked groggily.

"No," he replied, as he kissed the top of her head. "Just can't sleep."

"Wanna talk about it?" Meredith asked, sitting up a bit, and stretching her legs as far as the cramped seats would allow.

"It's just…I know I sound like a broken record, but this is really big."

"What, the trial?"

"Mmmhmmm," he hummed in admittance.

Meredith thought before replying. She tried to channel Dr. Wyatt. Her relationship with her therapist had been her one healthy relationship to date. She didn't have great examples of communication, so she tried to imagine how Katherine managed to get her to open up. "What has you so worried? I mean, when I asked you to do the trial, you didn't seem so scared at the time."

A guilty smirk crossed his face, "I think I just wanted to find a way to be close with you again, even if we weren't together."

"You're terrible. I was trying to save lives, and you were trying to get in my pants."

"I was not," he shook his head seriously. "We hadn't seen each other, I mean, I know I was avoiding you."

"I was avoiding you too."

"Yeah, so I just needed any part of you I could get. When you paged me that day and showed me the plans, I couldn't say no."

"So you felt cornered? Like after Jeremy died?"

"No, don't get me wrong, I wanted to do the trial. I'm so glad we're doing the trial. My reasons for doing it though…they were just different than yours. You had a good reason, you wanted to save people. You had stayed up all night trying to save Philip. I just needed you, and I couldn't…we weren't together and I just needed you. I don't think I even realized it then. I did, I missed you, but I didn't know how much until you asked me to be a part of the trial."

"Denial's a powerful thing, huh?"

"Yeah."

"But we're past that now. We're getting published, and you and I, we're good, so what's bothering you?" Meredith's face was tense with concern for Derek. He didn't get flustered easily, but when he did, it was painful to see.

"Everyone's looking."

"No one can see us, Der. We're on a red-eye. Everyone's passed out."

"No, I mean, other doctors," he leaned back in his seat, staring up at the vents in front of him, exhaling a deep breath.

"You don't get nervous about medicine though. You're _the_ top neurosurgeon on the west coast, and one of the top in the country. You know more than just about anyone."

Shaking his head to refute her claim. She knew his shortcomings, but still she saw him as this amazingly perfect doctor, the one who operates on faith, the one who instinctively could figure out what no one else could see. She didn't see the 13 year old boy who had no role model for confidence, having lost his father. She didn't see the 40 something man who was just now learning to do what he felt was right, not just what society told him was right and good. He was flying without a net now, and failure, he couldn't fathom what failure meant under those circumstances.

"I get nervous, sometimes. I get scared," he admitted.

"Me too."

"You're allowed to be scared."

"You're not?"

"I'm supposed to have all the answers."

"Says who? Isn't that the point of the trial, to test theories and challenge thought?"

He let a half grin creep across his tight lips. She was trying so hard to be strong for him, and the more she did, the more nervous he got. Her being strong allowed him to be weak, and it just wasn't an emotion that he knew how to handle yet. He couldn't be weak, and he was fighting it as much as he could.

"You're right, I know you're right. Why don't you get some more sleep, we have a big week coming up."

"Mmmm, "she agreed, nuzzling back into his arms. Unfortunately, that same release was not available to him. Not now, at least.


	4. Chapter 4

Finally, they made their way to the luggage carousel. Just as Derek pulled out his phone to call Dr. Cassler, Meredith spotted their names on a white card.

"Dr. Cassler?"

"Ah, you must be Dr. Grey." James said, offering out his hand, "Derek, good to see you again."

"James, always a pleasure."

"You both must be exhausted, what say we get you both to your apartment and then I can grab you for dinner a little later. Unless…are you hungry now?"

"FAMISHED," Meredith replied.

"She's always hungry," Derek yawned with a chuckle.

"It's about lunchtime, so why don't we just go to this sandwich place near your place and then you can get a nap in before dinner. There are a lot of folks eager to meet you both."

"That would be great, Dr. Cassler."

"Feel free to call me James," he smiled.

"Meredith," she nodded, but grabbing Derek's hand at the same time.

James looked back and forth between the two and then a grin crossed his face. "I know that this is really not professional of me to ask, but are you two…?" he pointed to Derek and then Meredith.

Meredith blushed, as Derek said, "Yeah, actually, we are."

"Guess all that work on a trial together…"

"Something like that," he grinned.

"Well anyhow, let's get you some food that you can bring back to your room. My car's this way. You're getting a rental though, right?" James said as he led them to the parking lot.

"Yeah, we'll get the car and just follow you to town."

James walked ahead of the pair as Meredith and Derek followed. Derek kept yawning, and frankly, looked like crap. "Did you not get any sleep on the plane?" she asked with concern.

"Not really," he sighed.

"We can just go back to the room you know."

"No, you're hungry. We can get some food and then take a nap before dinner."

"You sure?"

"Yeah," he said with a kiss. "We need to get on east coast time anyway, so we should eat lunch."

"Okay, but then we'll go rest?"

"I promise."

After about an hour, Meredith and Derek finally dragged their weary bodies into their apartment. It was very plain, typical of corporate housing, but would more than suffice. Meredith was walking around, looking at the view and then the master bathroom when she heard Derek flop onto the bed. She turned around and smiled at the sight in front of her. He had completely and totally passed out, curling up on his stomach, his arms hugging the pillow beneath his head. She would get into bed soon, but wanted to make a few calls now that she had finally touched down.

She got out her old phone book from college. It had been a while, but a few of the cell phones were still valid. Taking a deep breath she walked into the living room, leaving the bedroom only open a crack so that Derek could sleep. She dialed the first digits looking at the book, but her memory dialed the rest for her.

"Hello?" the familiar voice on the other side asked.

"Sam?"

"Speaking…Meredith?"

"Hey, long time no talk."

"No shit! How are you? _Where_ are you?"

"Oh, I'm actually in Boston, I'm staying near MassGen," Meredith said quietly.

"You work fast."

"Huh?"

"I know that voice. That's the 'I have a boy in my bedroom that I don't want to wake up' voice."

Meredith giggled. "How did you put up with being my roommate for so long?"

"Because I made the saaaaame calls to you, my friend."

"Ah yes, this is why we were friends."

"So am I gonna get to see you while you're in town?"

"We're here for the month, working on a clinical trial, so yeah, just name the time and place. We have a few small things this week, but are really getting underway next week."

"We?" asked Samantha. The Meredith she knew never was part of a we.

"Um…yeah, about that…I'm here with my boyfriend."

"I wish I could take a month off from the art gallery. Does he have a job, or is he just riding your coat tails?"

"He's kinda my boss."

Meredith thought she heard her friend spit out something as she choked out, "He's what???"

"My boss."

"Wow. Nice job Mer, you've upgraded from the random barflies."

"Oh, he was still a random barfly. I didn't know he was my boss when I took him home. That was two years ago."

"Damn, girl. I'm impressed. I'll have to tell Danny, he'll crack up that there's a guy that tamed the wild Meredith Grey."

"That's right! You guys got married last year! I'm sorry I couldn't come – being an intern kicked my ass. Between my mom and work, I just didn't have any time off."

"That's okay, I totally get it. So tell me about this man of yours."

Meredith looked back at the bedroom, and seeing that Derek was asleep, she spoke. "Well, he's a neurosurgeon…"

"I don't care what he does. Is he hot?"

"Yeah, he's pretty hot, I won't lie."

"Is he any good?"

"He's _very_ good. Mindblowingly good."

"It's entirely possible that he could be the world's most perfect man."

"Don't ever say that to his face, he doesn't need any more fuel feeding his ego. He's far from perfect though."

"So do I get to meet this man of yours this week?"

"I think we can arrange that. We're booked tonight, but maybe Wednesday?"

"That sounds great – I've missed you Mer. Can I bring Danny?"

"I'd love to see him too, get Derek off the hook for all the girl talk and stuff."

"Our old bar at 8?"

"Perfect. See you then Sam."

Meredith closed up her phone, and took off her clothes, slipping into bed with Derek.

"So, I'm far from perfect, am I?"

"You heard me on the phone?" she asked, nervous as to his reaction.

"Mmmhmmm."

"You aren't, you know…perfect."

"Oh, I'm perfect alright," he said with false bravado.

"Well, you eavesdrop for one. What else did you hear?"

"Something about me being a barfly."

"Yeah?"

"And that I am mind blowingly good."

"You are…" she murmured seductively in his ear, taking a moment to nibble on his earlobe,"…amazing".

"I think you promised me some sex before we left Seattle," he growled, as he brought her hand to feel his hard cock.

"I did, did I?"

"You did. This is our first place together, you know," he said, running his tongue along her jaw, gently biting at its corner.

"It is," she agreed, exposing her neck further to his motions.

"We should christen it. Make sure it…" he slipped one hand under her t-shirt, grabbing hold of a tender breast, "meets our needs."

"You always meet my needs," she groaned as he flicked her delicate nipple with his skilled fingers.

He rolled to move over her, bracing himself with his arms. He planted kisses over the other side of her neck, pausing only to suckle on her collarbone. He brought a finger up to trace the delicate bone, as if touching her with his hands proved she was real. The slight touch ran a chill down her back, causing her toes to curl a bit at the sensation, her body arching towards his.

"I thought you were tired," she murmured, running her fingers through his curls. His hair was messy from their travel, darting every which way, but somehow, in this moment, nothing could be more attractive to her. He was unkempt, messy even, his slightly gray stubble more prominent as the afternoon had worn on.

"Exhausted," he breathed heavily, "but I want you more than I want sleep." He needed to feel her pliant form submit to his ministrations. His eyes traveled over her naked body, smooth and supple. She was beautiful, and he took a breath to appreciate the grace that lay before him. He slowly removed his shirt and pants, crawling back into the bed just so he could feel her warmth against his.

His gentle hands caressed every inch of her body. Their legs were intertwined, hers, his, hers, and his. Their chests were close together, inhaling the scents of the other, breathing in the day. Their lips finally met in a kiss, tender and sweet. He parted her flush lips with his tongue, searching for more than her kiss, but for a reassurance that could only be conveyed in their lovemaking. He brought his hand to the back of her head, holding her in for a passionate deepening of the kiss. Without a thought, her hands began to caress his strong back, her tiny fingers weaving around his muscles, which were beginning to become moist with sweat.

Derek ground his hips into Meredith's, showing again how ready he was to love her. "God, I love you, Meredith." His voice cracked as he spoke.

"I love you too," she assured as she planted kisses along the column of his throat, tonguing his Adam's apple.

He brought his touch between them, parting her wet lips. He dipped a finger in, sliding back out to moisten her clit, massaging it gently. "I need you. I need to be inside you."

She allowed her legs to fall apart, letting him slide between them and up into her waiting heat. She moaned in approval as he withdrew slowly, the sensitive underside of his head catching on her pubic bone. He slid back, clenching his ass tight as he held himself inside of her. "You feel so amazing, keep going…please"

Derek's head was buried in the crook of Meredith's neck as he moved within her. They were one body, one heart, and this felt so amazing. Her legs wrapped around him, pulling him deeper into her. His motions were slow, deliberate. They kept their bodies close, almost as if they were sealed together, parting ever so slightly for him to withdraw and again plunge within her depths. His hands traveled to the small of her back, forcing her upwards as he felt her begin to tense from her impending orgasm.

"Oh, oh…harder," she began to cry, which he obliged.

"Mer…oh Mer," his grunts deepened. He felt her shudder which allowed him to finally let go. The day's tensions and worry melted as he spilled into her, his rigid body softening. He rolled them both so that her back was to him. He spooned her body, needing to feel her in his arms. Nothing ever felt quite as safe as when they were like this. They were the only two people that mattered, the scents, the sensations, it made him feel whole, and right now he needed to feel whole.

He was terrified of how she would look at him if she knew how scared he was right now, and holding her made him feel strong. As if she was reading his thoughts, Meredith turned to look at him, narrowing her eyes. He was hiding something, she knew that much.

"What's going on in there?"

"Hmm?" he asked, hoping she would let it go, but praying she'd keep pressing.

"You're quiet. You were even quiet during. You're never quiet during."

"I'm tired…from the flight and all." He turned to face her, opening his mouth, and then pursing his lips. He had coasted through life, even with being a brain surgeon. He hadn't really been forced to make choices, to go against what was the easier path. Letting anyone in was hard, but he hoped that with Meredith, it was worth the risk, that she would still love him if he didn't have all the answers, if he wasn't perfect.


	5. Chapter 5

Meredith and Derek approached the large conference room that had been reserved for the meet and greet, hand in hand.

"Do you think we should have worn nametags or something?" Meredith asked, letting go of his hand, preparing to be Dr. Grey.

"I'm sure everyone will know who we are," Derek said kissing her cheek before opening the door. He inhaled deeply, and then plastered on his cocky neurosurgeon's face. The familiar smug look was there, but something was missing.

"Dr. Grey, Dr. Shepherd, so glad you could make it. I hope you both were able to get some rest before coming out tonight," Dr. Cassler greeted them. "Why don't you grab some cocktails, and I'll introduce you around."

"Thanks, James," Meredith smiled as she led Derek to the bar. "Double scotch single malt and a Pinot Grigio, please?"

"Wine?" Derek asked with a grin.

"A little more refined than tequila for a business function," she giggled. She handed Derek his drink, smiling sympathetically and raising her eyebrows, "Here, liquid courage. Looks like you could use some. Cheers."

"Cheers." He took a swig of the amber liquid and sighed, "Here we go."

The weight of the world was on his shoulders. Doctors were know-it-alls. Surgeons were arrogant sons-of-bitches. Groundbreaking trial clinicians were the Gods among men. Derek needed to act the part.

"So which of you brave souls will be scrubbing in with the best neurosurgery team around on Monday?" Derek said as he sauntered up to the most intimidated clique he could find.  
One of them spoke up, "I've read all of your protocols, Dr. Shepherd. This is such an honor. How did you come up with the trial? It's really brilliant."

Instantly Derek was deflated. Was there a sign signaling his fear on his forehead? The one question the man could have asked, and it was one that he didn't have the answer to. He was the conductor of the symphony. No one needed him, really. He didn't write the piece, and he didn't play the music. It felt as if the doctor knew exactly where Derek's weakness was and had purposely gone after it. "I…um…"

Noticing his unusual panic, Meredith stepped in, "We had a very rare case come in, and Dr. Shepherd agreed that the virus could be a potential solution. After working together on perfecting the titration and timing of the injections, we were able to hone in on how the receptors react." She shot Derek a look. What was he doing? Why was he so quiet all of a sudden?

"Dr. Grey? Dr. Peterson. I used to work with your mother back in the day. It's great to be able to work with you on this." He offered out his hand, as a flicker of recognition danced in Meredith's eyes. "Sean? Sean Peterson? Oh my god. How are you?"

"Great," he said as he shook her hand. "I heard about your mom, I'm sorry. Listen, I have so many things to catch up with you on, do you want to talk for a bit?"

"Um, sure, yeah!" She hesitated, looking at Derek. She didn't want to leave him alone, but she couldn't stay glued at the hip to him all night. Sean was clearly not a threat, just an old colleague of Ellis' who always was kind to Meredith when she had lived in Boston. She whispered to Derek, "Are you okay here?"

"Yeah, you go on," he encouraged. "I'm fine."

Meredith followed Sean a few steps away from Derek and the doctors that were crowding around him. She was speaking with Sean, but was intently watching Derek. He should have been in his element, showing off for all the uninitiated, but he wasn't. He forced grins while making small talk. He hadn't been able to talk after sex. He was trying, and she saw that he was trying. She had made the error of mentioning the meet and greet, though, and he clammed up. He needed to be Doctor Derek Shepherd, Neurosurgeon. She had seen her mother do it enough times to recognize the mask that a surgeon wore in front of the world. Meredith knew this was not about her. Meredith and Derek were fine. But Derek? Derek was not fine.

"Meredith?" Sean asked.

"Yes, sorry. So yeah, I'm glad to get a chance to be back here." She said, continuing the conversation that she was only half attending to.

They stayed for two hours. Sometimes they were together and at times engaged in separate conversations. Derek sat nursing the same scotch for almost the whole time as they the team that they would be working with. Countless people used Ellis as an ice breaker, but that always seemed to fade to the background as they realized that Meredith had all of the promise with none of the attitude that Ellis had exhibited. Meredith was warm, and genuinely interested in the lives of the doctors who would be her family for the next month. Ellis never cared, so long as you came to the OR prepared to work.

Meredith snuck up behind Derek, noticing he was alone for the moment as the crowd was beginning to disperse. "You wanna get outta here?"

"Like you wouldn't believe."

"I know a great bar around the corner."

"Why does that not surprise me in the least?" Derek laughed, finally relaxing with no one else around.

"Hey, my mom worked late, and I had to keep myself busy if I was meeting her. Bar seemed better than the lobby," she shrugged with a wicked grin.

"Are you saying I wasn't your first victim of the bar pickup?" Derek grinned back.

"I have _no_ idea what you mean," she said, with a roll of her eyes.

They said their goodbyes to the remaining few, and walked out into the slightly muggy summer air. Derek was staring into space, holding Meredith's hand tight.

"Thanks."

"For what?" Meredith asked.

"Saving me back there. I was drowning." The irony of Derek's words were completely lost to him, but not to Meredith.

"Oh…You looked like could use some rescuing, so I jumped in." She looked up at him, smiling weakly to let him know that they were okay.

"Mmmm," he agreed.

"It's only 7pm back home. Want a few drinks before we call it a night?" She motioned to the bar across the street with a shake of her head, her golden curls twinkling in the streetlights.  
Finally alone on the sidewalk, Derek pulled Meredith in for a close embrace. "Yeah. But first, just…thank you." He held her close. He wasn't ready to say more, but he was letting her in the only way he could for now.

* * *

"Wait, there it is, turn there." Meredith said excitedly. They were on their way to meet Meredith's old college roommate Samantha for dinner the next night, and on the way, Meredith was showing Derek her old stomping grounds.

"Do you want me to park?"

"Do we have time?"

Derek checked his watch, and nodded. He pulled into the parking lot of Meredith's old elementary school. It was where some of her best memories of childhood came from. It was after they had left Seattle, when Meredith began to hope that maybe Boston was just what they needed to be happy. She had friends here and played to her heart's content on this very jungle gym. A new more modern one had been built right next to it, but they hadn't yet torn down the old iron bars that she hung from for what seemed like hours on end.

"Come on, let's go sit on the swings," Meredith said as she pulled Derek behind her. Derek just smiled. Seeing Meredith so happy warmed his heart. This was the woman he fell for, someone who saw the joy in the little pieces of life. She didn't put on airs, nor did she judge those who did. Being there on the swings, the gentle summer breeze swirling around them, it was pretty close to heaven. He could be content to just sit and watch her like this for hours.

"Being back here is so strange. It seemed so much bigger at the time." She was sitting in his lap, his hands wrapped around hers, wrapped around the chain holding up the swing.  
Derek smiled, letting Meredith continue.

"I took art over there," she said, pointing towards one of the classrooms. "Oh! And my favorite science teacher was in that wing."

Derek's feet never left the ground, but he gently rocked them backwards and forwards, as Meredith rested her head on his shoulder. A mother had brought their children to play at the playground, and they were both mesmerized. The mom had come from work, or at least it seemed so, judging by her clothes. The children looked to be about 7 and 4. The older sister was helping her little brother climb the stairs to the slide, using both her little hands to lift him up. When he stumbled a bit, Meredith had to bite back a giggle. It was too sweet for words.

Derek turned to Meredith for just a split second, but she had turned as well. The look in their eyes spoke volumes as their lips met for just a moment. The kiss was nothing that would be considered too salacious for a playground with children on it, it was just right.

Meredith pulled back first. It finally hit her, what she had forgotten. **_CRAP!_** Her birth control pill. It had been days since she had taken it. She couldn't freak out. They had been having sex, but the likelihood of just getting pregnant…She was a doctor. She knew that it wasn't a huge chance, not at their age. She took in a deep breath and calmed herself down. This was okay, this would be okay. She was freaking, definitely freaking. She just had to open her mouth and talk to him. What was the worst that could happen? They'd have kids sooner. They wanted a family anyway, they had said as much as they laid out the house plans. Another breath in…

"They're adorable, right?" Meredith asked as a leading question, biting her bottom lip.

"Mmm. Ours will be cuter."

"You think?"

"Oh yes. I'm very good looking."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "You're an ass. But seriously. Um. We haven't really talked about kids much. I mean, we have, I mean…I know we want them. Well you want them, and I want them…but we haven't, you know, talked about it really. And we're old. I mean, I'm youngish but you…sorry, old. And me? Not so young for having kids."

"Ouch, Mer!" He laughed, knowing all too well that it was true.

"Derek?" she asked, her brow furrowed.

"Yeah?"

"I forgot my pill."

"What pill? OH. THAT PILL. Okay, so you forgot it today. You can double up tomorrow, right?"

"No, I mean, I forgot it. In Seattle."

"Oh." He said, the implication dawning on him as he smiled.

"I mean, I know it's not like I'm just gonna get pregnant, but I mean. I could always take something if you're not ready, just in case and all. I'd understand, if you weren't ready. We should probably talk about it. "

"I think we are talking about it." Derek was amused at this entire conversation.

"Well, I mean, I know, me, rude about the old thing. But Derek I'm in my mid thirties. Women talk about mammograms at my age, not nursing bras. And you're…well, you know. You want a family, right?"

"As long as it's with you, yes…I want a family for us."

"Well, what if..." This took bravery on her part, big giant leaps of faith. "I mean, not trying, but not exactly preventing."

"You want to try?"

Rolling her eyes again, she said, "Are you not listening? I did not say try, I just said not not trying."

"We have a lot of sex, Mer."

"Okay."

"Not preventing for us? Kinda like trying."

"Yeah," she exhaled, looking out as a man walked up to the kids. He scooped one up in his arms as he kissed the woman who they assumed was his wife.

"Are you okay with that? I mean," Derek took a finger under Meredith's chin and turned her to face him. "I know that it was a lot to want to build the house and let me in again. I don't want you doing this because you think I need this."

"No, I mean, yes, I mean…I want this because you want this, and I also want this," she swallowed hard, finally admitting how she felt, "because I want this. I want to give our children what my mom couldn't. And I think that maybe, I think we can do it."

"Yeah?" he asked, unable to hide his excitement.

"Yeah," she nodded. Her eyes wandered around, picturing the scene in her mind, as a smile broke through her worry. "Yeah."

"So we're not preventing," Derek confirmed, as much for himself as it was for her.

"Not preventing. Maybe lots of practicing."

"Maybe?" Derek said, with mock hurt in his voice, "Oh I think we can do better than 'maybe'".

"Kids. I never thought that I'd be able to have one, you know? A family? With my mom and work, and then…well" She bounced her head side to side, indicating all that she and Derek had been through. "I figured I'd be the doctor my mom wasn't, the doctor she couldn't be by having a kid. I thought that maybe that was my way of making up for her mistakes."

"What changed?" He wanted to know when he had missed this.

"You."

"Me?"

"I mean, when you said you wanted to have a family with me. It scared me to hell, Derek, because I really had written it off. Then I started picturing it, and I couldn't stop. You suck for that, you know," she said, kissing him.

"I should plant ideas in your head more often," he murmured, resting their foreheads together.

"I mean, is this weird? We're not even really engaged."

"Do you want to be engaged?" Derek asked, truly curious as to her answer. They were doing all the things a married couple did, just without any of the standard nomenclature.

"I don't know, actually. I mean, yes, I do. I definitely do, I want all of it. This is…I don't know how this is supposed to work. Does it matter what comes first?"

"My mother would have definite opinions on that. Me? Maybe it's just up to us," He said, shrugging.

"We have to meet Sam and Danny soon."

"You're changing the subject."

"Maybe a little."

"Is this too much?" Derek was starting to worry a bit. "I don't want to pressure you into anything, Meredith. All I need is us."

"Me too, but…I want this. I only need us, but I want this, to try."

"I thought you said we weren't trying," he said with an eyebrow raised.

"Well, I mean. This could take some time."

"I'm a Shepherd. I have told you about all my nieces and nephews haven't I? We're a very fertile lot," Derek boasted.

"You and your big ego!" She shook her head. "You're lucky I love you."

"Trust me, I know how lucky I am."

* * *

"So how does Danny fit in again?"

"He was our RA in our dorm freshman year, hung around Sam all the time, he was a senior then. Eventually, many bars and many boys later? They're married."

Meredith had been filling Derek in on Samantha for the car ride from the school to the bar just off Newberry Street. The anticipation was eating Meredith alive. This was a woman who had shared a space for four years with her, until they parted when Meredith left for Europe. So much had changed since those days, for each of them.

"Meredith?"

"SAMANTHA!"

The two women ran up to one another, hugging tightly. The men shared an amused look as the women shared a greeting that was a decade in the making.

"Danny Hedges," Danny said, offering out his hand, "And you must be Derek."

"Yeah, Derek Shepherd. Nice to meet you."

"Same. I guess we can go grab our table. Not sure that they have much use for us." He said, throwing a thumb over his shoulder at Meredith and Sam. Danny led the way to their booth as Derek and then the women followed.

"God, Mer. It's been ages. You look great," Sam said.

"You too, both of you."

"I look great all the time," Danny mugged.

"We always did have the same taste in men," Meredith moaned at Danny's remark.

"Smart? Attractive? Charming?" Derek offered.

"Cocky," Sam and Meredith said in unison.

"I'm dying to know all the nitty gritty here. So you came back from Europe and went to med school, which I still can't believe you actually did, by the way…"

Meredith turned to Derek and mentioned as an aside, "I was almost an anthropologist. My mom thought that they weren't real doctors, so it really pissed her off."

"What did you used to say? That the dead told better stories than the living?" Sammy said, trying to pull the memory.

"Something like that," Meredith said, raising her eyebrows as she sipped at her beer. "It just seemed like there was less pressure knowing that you didn't have to worry about killing someone if they were already dead."

"You're so good with patients, Mer, I'm surprised," Derek said, placing his arm over her shoulder.

"Well, after going around to museums all over Europe, I stopped trying to fight nature. I liked medicine more than I hated my mom."

Samantha turned her sights to Derek, "Derek, are you from Seattle?"

"No, New York actually. Went to Columbia and lived in Manhattan for years."

"Oh God, Mer, I thought I taught you better than that. First a Columbia guy? We don't do Columbia at Dartmouth, there is a strict hierarchy in the Ivy League. And a New Yorker?" She said, turning back to Derek, "Ugh, I bet you're a Yankees fan too."

Danny tried to kick Derek not to answer, but being the arrogant man he was, simply replied, "Of course…"

"MEREDITH?!" Sam yelled, slamming her hands down on the table.

Danny muttered to Derek in solidarity, "She's a die-hard Sox fan, you may want to ixnay the Yankees talk." Changing the subject, he asked "Did you always know you wanted to be a doctor?"

"Well, it was the headgear really," he said, using his old line. "I liked the glasses and the headset with the light on it. I figured it was either that or working in a coal mine."

The table laughed, as Sam continued the inquisition. "Well, do you have any good college stories?"

"Derek was probably in the library all the time, while his best friend was off having sex," Meredith joked.

"I'll have you know that there are plenty of good places to have sex in a library," Derek said.

Danny was curious, "Such as?"

"Well, I'm not sure, really, but Mark tells me there were plenty of good places," he said, laughing deeply.

"Ah, so when you weren't in the library?"

"Well, being in New York, I got to take in a lot of concerts. Love the Clash. Saw a lot of shows at CBGBs."

"You like the Clash? Oh, Mer, this one's a keeper. Finally a guy with good taste in music," Danny proclaimed.

"How'd you afford all those concerts, especially living in Manhattan?" Sam questioned.

"I have a pretty big family, so I had to pay my way through school. I ended up delivering pizzas, if you can believe that," Derek said, quickly downing his beer to cover his large grin. "It's a lot more lucrative than you'd think."

"Aha, so _that_'s how you met Addison. The truth comes out!" Meredith joked, the alcohol loosening everyone's inhibitions.

"No!" Derek laughed back, pulling Meredith in tight.

"Who's Addison?" Sam asked.

Derek coughed into his hand, unsure of how Meredith's friends would take to the information he was about to give. "My ex-wife."

"You were married, before?" Danny asked as Derek nodded. "Well Mer, you almost got there once."

Meredith's eyes got wide, as Derek turned to look at her. "Mer?"

"Oh god." Meredith's face scrunched up as she tried to cover her face with her hands.

"What Meredith is trying to say," Sam laughed, "Is that this guy proposed to her once. She had taken him home from a bar…"

"As usual," Danny offered.

"Anyhow," Sam continued, rolling her eyes at Danny and then looking back to Meredith and Derek. He was in school on a visa, and wanted to stay in the US. The next morning, he asks Meredith to marry him. You should have seen her face when she ran into my room."

"I still can't believe you made me get rid of him," Danny whined.

"What was I supposed to do?" Meredith asked in exasperation. "Don a white dress and march him over to city hall?"

"Wow, you're quite the heartbreaker, aren't you," Derek chuckled.

The four grabbed a few pitchers of beer as they ate dinner, talking for what seemed like hours. As much as they knew the other's heart and soul, there was still so much that they didn't know about one another. Derek really never thought about Meredith's life before Seattle, at least beyond what she had gone through as a young girl. She had gone there, like he had, wanting to leave the past where it was. There was so much to her story that he had yet to discover.

"Okay, okay, wait. I so never passed out under the table after playing beer pong," Meredith exclaimed.

"No, you were just taking a nap," Danny laughed as he sipped his beer.

Meredith looked to Derek for help, but she would find no help from him. He loved the embarrassing Meredith stories. "Well, at least my future spouse never tried to ACTUALLY reenact one of the parties from Animal House," she retorted to Danny about Sam.

Derek whispered in Meredith's ear. "Oh. Um. Never mind," she said sheepishly. "Well…She still did."

"I think it's time we wrapped up, you guys. I have to be up early for work tomorrow." Danny said. "Derek, I think I can speak for my wife when I say I think you've passed the audition. You're a good guy. Here's to the good guys. Damned few of us, right, man?" Danny recovered, raising his glass.

Derek hesitated for a moment before lifting his glass. He hoped he was a good guy, but he knew his actions had told a different story. He swallowed, hoping no one else noticed his uncertainty about Danny's assessment. Meredith had, however, and knew exactly what to say.

"I love you, Der," Meredith whispered in Derek's ear as they all raised their glasses in a toast to the good guys.

_**A/N: **_**This isn't one of those typical Mer/Der get pregnant and have tons of kids stories, not even close...bear with me, I promise it's worth the wait.**


	6. Chapter 6

The day had come. They had taken a few days to get acclimated to the city, and now they needed to get down to business. Their first patient of the expanded trial was coming in for surgery today, and all eyes would be on Meredith and Derek as they observed, took notes, and judged.

Derek had taken an inordinate amount of time getting ready. Perhaps he was hoping that if he just moved slowly enough, life could stand still for just a moment. He didn't know where all of this anxiety was coming from, but like it or not, it was there. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. He was tired, exhausted really. The steam continued to fog up the glass, but he wiped it away, unable to break his own glare. He needed to convince himself to be the cocky, arrogant surgeon that he had been until he opened the Pandora's Box of a trial.  
"Der, are you coming? We're gonna be late if you don't get moving soon." Meredith said through the door.

"I'll be out in a sec," Derek called back. He breathed in the moist heat leftover from the shower, as he closed his eyes, his hands grasping either side of the sink as he leaned forward. He had a towel wrapped around his waist, drops of water still falling now and again from his dark curls that had yet to be styled. This was huge. She was waiting for him, sure as anything, and he was stalling in the bathroom.

_Get it together. She needs you. The patient needs you. The hospital needs you. You can't keep doing this to yourself,"_ Derek chastised himself. He had gotten himself so worked up, and needed to calm down before cutting into someone's skull. He grabbed his comb and began to make himself look the part he needed to play. He finally opened the door, letting Meredith in to finish getting ready.

"You know, if you just hang around looking like that, I don't know that we're going to be able to leave," Meredith said, snaking her hands around his waist, and kissing his shoulder. He caught her eyes in the mirror, filled with promise and excitement. He just needed to see the world through her eyes. If she could talk to him about today, he'd be fine.

"Would that be so wrong?" Derek playfully asked.

"I think Mr. Bonder may have a few concerns with that, yeah," Meredith replied.

"Maybe. He'd want us as relaxed as possible though, don't you think?" he grinned, pulling her into his wet body and spinning her around a bit. "Are you ready for today?" He asked, needing to hear her confidence come through. She could get him excited for anything right about now.

"He's the perfect candidate Derek," Meredith said, grabbing their copy of the patient's file. "He's in otherwise great shape, all things considered. The tumor is in a very accessible location for what we need to do. It'll be the easiest one yet, really. They did a great job recruiting for patients. He's gonna live a long life because of us."

"You're really not worried about everyone watching?"

"Well, when you put it like _that_, yeah!" She said, rolling her eyes. "It's no different than back home. Plus, just imagine it's just us. We've done it before, and we're going to keep doing it. All we have to do is stay in sync, and then we can hand the reigns over to the team here more and more."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Derek finished putting on his clothes. She was right; this was the perfect case for them to show off with. He was feeling better and the confidence was seeping back into his veins. It wasn't that he had lost all belief in his abilities, he just questioned everything now. It was no longer blind faith. He was good, he knew he was one of the best. But if he could see his own imperfections, weren't they apparent to everyone? He hoped not.

They finally packed up what they needed and walked to the hospital together, a few short blocks away.

"Dr. Grey, Dr. Shepherd, I'm not sure if you remember me from the other night," a woman greeted them as they reached the surgical floor.

"Yes, Dr. Reinhardt, right?" Meredith greeted.

"Yes, Dr. Cassler's surgical fellow."

"Excellent." Derek said, "Shall we go see how our patient is doing?"

"Definitely, he's very eager to meet you both. Right this way," Janet said as she led the way.

The three doctors entered the patient's room, where a few others had already gathered. The hospital was no stranger to clinical trials, but there was something about this in particular that had everyone humming. The whispers swirled about the daughter of _the_ Ellis Grey, as well as the world-renowned brain surgeon from the west coast.

"I hear you two are the go two doctors for this sorta thing, "Alan Bonder said groggily to Meredith and Derek.

"Not only that, but for at least the next day or so, we're still the _only_ doctors doing this." Meredith loved making jokes with the patient. She found that getting them into a state of ease before a procedure helped everyone immensely.

"Well, my wife is in the waiting room with our kids, so just make sure she's comfortable, if you can. I don't want her to have to worry about anything."

"I'll see what we can do to get you back to her as soon as possible. How does that sound?" Derek asked.

"Sounds good."

"Excellent, well you just get comfortable, and Dr. Reinhardt will finish getting you prepped. We'll see you after you come out of recovery, okay?" Derek said, soothing Alan's nerves a bit more.

Meredith and Derek left the room, stepping out into the hall to look over the virus mixture that the staff had prepared a few hours earlier. The adrenaline was beginning to kick in, as Derek noticed Meredith shaking her hands out.

"At least I'm not the only nervous one," Derek said, grabbing one of her hands with a smile.

"It's just…big. This, I mean, Derek, this is huge. This is bigger than just the patient. This is all the patients, everyone who has this tumor, and because of us."

There was something about Meredith's nerves that made him feel oddly better. If he was weak, she was strong, and vice versa. "I hope you have your space suit ready. We're walking on the moon again."

"We are. We did it Derek. I don't know how, but we did it. We're doing it."

They made their final checks as the patient was wheeled into the OR. Derek and Meredith looked up into the packed gallery, the eyes all on them, as Derek chanted his familiar refrain. "Thank you everyone for joining us today. It's a beautiful day to save lives, let's have some fun."

The room was quiet, aside from the low 80s punk music that Derek had insisted be playing in the background. If nothing else, the music allowed him to just feel a rhythm and operate on auto-pilot. It was like any other surgery, except today Derek had to stop and pause every so often to describe what he was doing, for the benefit of the group in the gallery who were all but hugging the window to get a better view.

"Mr. Bonder is a 35 year old male, with a malignant glioma. I am going to retract the skin flap, and excise a portion of the skull. After that, you will be able to see Dr. Grey and I insert the wire into the tumor that will deliver the virus."

He and Meredith worked with speed and precision, as if it were as natural as getting dressed in the morning. They pointed out potentially dangerous situations and complications that they had learned along the way. There were a few adjustments that they needed to make along the way, but nothing that Derek couldn't handle.

When it came time to inject the virus into the tumor, Derek had explained that the two doctors needed to deliver the toxin at exactly the same pace, possibly the most difficult task in the entire procedure. He waited until he felt that he and Meredith were ready and then began. 5%...47%....78%...complete. Applause burst out from above as the surgeons made something so complex look so simple. They began to close up the patient, knowing that all that was left was to see if the tumor would shrink and if the patient would return to the land of the living.

Meredith and Derek moved to scrub out as Dr. Cassler poked his head in. "Great work, you two. That was really amazing. Do you think that we could meet with the team to go over next steps?"

"Actually, I was hoping that Mered…Dr. Grey and I could debrief first," Derek strongly suggested.

"Of course, we'll be in conference room C when you are ready," Dr. Cassler nodded.

"Excellent. We'll be there in a little while," Derek stated as James left.

Meredith and Derek dried their hands as they walked into the hall, Meredith looking at Derek with a slightly confused look on her face. "Why don't we just go over the surgery with the whole team?"

Derek looked at the sign on the door and pulled Meredith into the on-call room, quickly shutting and locking it behind them. He pinned her against the wall, brining his hand down her side, settling on her hips. "I didn't say I wanted to go over the surgery with you. I said…," he growled as he unlaced her scrub pants, wickedly smirking. "…that I wanted to debrief."

He was turned on. The patient's surgery was textbook, has there been a textbook for what they were doing. He was on top of the world, and she was just…Meredith. She was slightly messy and entirely unaware of how beautiful she was. He pressed up against her, as he covered her mouth with his. The kiss was passionate, almost animalistic. Showing his dominance and supremacy was the only thing on his mind as he brought her down to the small bed, throwing his scrub top off in the process.

"Derek!" Meredith squealed as she landed on top of him. She ground herself on him, causing him to groan deeply as she bent over to begin to plant kisses along the column of his throat. His hands smoothed along the skin of her lower back, dipping down underneath her scrub bottoms and panties to firmly grip her ass, encouraging her to continue. His hands continued to slide down, bringing her pants off entirely as he flipped them both so that he could be on top.

They both were now naked and all Derek could think of was sex. Dirty, hot, passionate fucking. He proved his supremacy in the OR, and now he wanted her to come for him. He pressed her breasts together as he surrounded one nipple and then its twin with his lips, his stubble scratching her tender skin. He had no interest in being gentle, only in releasing the stress that had needlessly built up over months and months of self-doubt.

Meredith looked into Derek's smoky eyes and pursed her lips sexily as he traveled down to her navel, his tongue tasting the layer of sweat that had built up. Her chest was heaving short breaths as she felt him part her with his thumbs. Her clit was exposed to the air and he paused for a moment to watch it almost imperceptibly pulse. After what seemed like years, he finally enclosed her roughly first with his tongue, and then his lips.

"Oh god, Derek!" Her words screamed but she fought to keep the level of her voice almost silent. His tongue stiffened as he forced it into her. He repeated a pattern of licking and sucking, as if he were pulling her body out through her pussy. Her hips raised up, as her body began to tense. Just as she was about to reach her peak, he pulled away. "What the fuck are you doing? Oh…please don't stop," she begged.

That was all he really wanted, to hear her beg. She needed him, and she needed him now. This was the Derek she had first met. Arrogant, in the bedroom and out. He was good, amazing, and as he pierced her, she couldn't bite back a loud moan any longer. There was no waiting, no foreplay for him, he needed to thrust deeply. He scooted her back to throw her legs up and over his shoulders. She couldn't have taken him any deeper even if he had wanted to be. His force was relentless and unforgiving, almost savage, and she met each one of his movements.

She could feel him grow inside her as he got closer and closer to a release. She couldn't hold back any longer as her tight and warm pussy began to lock him into place, spasming intensely. He grunted, as she reached her orgasm. Sweat was flying off of him now, as he drew back and thrust faster finally shooting himself deep inside of her. "FUCK!" he yelled, holding himself within her as he let all of the feelings of pleasure wash over him.

He collapsed by her side, as Meredith watched a satisfied smile permeate his face. "That good, huh?"

He kissed her sweetly, almost in reverent praise, "You. Are. Amazing." Their breathing began to calm, as Meredith reminded Derek that they had a room full of surgeons and support staff waiting for them.

"Just a minute more, I just need us for a moment longer," Derek happily sighed, recovering from the vigorous sex.

"Mmmm," Meredith cooed. She felt like the luckiest woman on the planet right now. She had saved a life, was in her true hometown, and had gotten thoroughly fucked by her amazing boyfriend. She felt needed, loved, and secure. Slowly she sat up and they reluctantly dressed.

They walked down the hall to the conference room, Meredith heading in first as James stopped Derek momentarily. "Derek, not that it's my business, but usually debriefing happens in an office, not the on-call room. Just letting you know that gossip travels fast around here."

Derek blushed a bit, but recovered with, "Nothing we're not used to already. Thanks though, sorry about that." But of course, Derek wasn't sorry. Not one bit.

* * *

**AN: I've been writing this fic for a while, but finally getting it up here. I'll post a few chapters a day until you're all caught up. All comments and questions are lovely :)**


	7. Chapter 7

_Ring…Ring…Ring…  
_  
It was 3am and Derek's cell was going off somewhere in the apartment.

"Der, your phone is ringing," Meredith mumbled, half asleep into Derek's chest.

"Can't I just let it go to voicemail?" he half moaned, half laughed.

"It's, three in the morning. What if it's important?" Meredith urged.

"Ugh," he grunted as he let his feet thump to the floor, stumbling as he looked to find his phone in the dark. He saw the muted light shining through a shirt on the floor, as he picked it up, yawning. "I swear to God Mark, it's late here, someone better be dying."

Mark hesitated, knowing Derek would immediately regret using those words. "It's the Chief, Derek. Richard's had a heart attack."

Derek sat down on the bed, as he managed to whisper out, "What?"

"He's stable, he was very lucky. There was no major muscle damage. Hahn was on duty and he was still at work."

"Shit." He said, running his hand over his face, attempting to wake himself up. "When did it happen?"

"This morning, he was actually reviewing the OR board and someone noticed he wasn't looking great, rubbing his chest a bit, and trying to shake out his arm."

"Shit. He was doing that last week before we left," Derek lamented, feeling incredibly guilty and powerless. "We should come back, right?"

"You have patients there that need you, there's nothing you can do here. He's going to be fine, but Adele's going to be keeping him at home for a while."

"Oh man, Adele. How's she taking it?"

"She's a champ. She's scared, but I think she's just relieved that he'll be alright more than anything else."

Meredith couldn't hear the conversation, but clearly something was going on with the Chief. She snuggled herself against Derek's back, resting her chin on his shoulder, her legs and arms wrapped around him as he continued to talk to Mark. She caught his eyes for a moment, as Derek nodded sadly to convey that something was indeed wrong.

"This is stupid, Mark. Meredith and I will be on a plane in the morning."

"No, Derek. You won't."

"What the hell are you talking about? I need to come back!"

"I'm telling you that you can't…as your boss."

"Right, like you're the Chief of Surgery now."

"Interim, actually."

Derek's jaw dropped, as Mark continued quietly. "I'm the most senior attending on staff, and for the time being, the board asked me to step in."

"_**I'M**_**** the most senior attending!" Derek said through gritted teeth, clearly agitated. Meredith was confused as to what was going on and started to just rub his back a bit in a vain attempt to calm him.

Mark had known this would be the toughest call he had to make all day, which was one of the reasons he had put it off so long. He wanted to make sure that Richard was stable first, but calling Derek was something he had been dreading. "You are, but you're doing something more important right now. The trial is a big deal for Seattle Grace."

"What, so you wait until I'm not around and swoop in…again?"

"Derek…"

"Go to hell, Mark. I can't believe I am back here. It's the same shit all over. You know what? Have fun, enjoy playing dress up." Derek shut his phone, the curtness cutting through the air in the room. He threw the phone down to the pile of clothes, cushioning the blow.

"What's going on with the chief? Why are you mad at Mark? What's going on Derek?" Meredith asked, not knowing where to start with what she had overheard.

Derek coolly muttered, "Richard had a heart attack. He's fine, or at least they say he's doing fine." His eyes were pooling with tears, but he was too proud to let them fall and wiped them with the back of his hand. He let air push out through his pursed lips in a forced exhale. "The board gave chief to Mark."

The gravity of what Derek was saying became clear, and she asked in a tentative warble, "Permanently?"

"No, just until Richard comes back, but that could be a few months. Since I'm out here, the board didn't want to disrupt the trial," he spat. "The trial, Meredith. He always has to fucking one up me."

"I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose, Derek."

"No, it always 'just happens'," he said, bitterly. He stood up and began to pace the small bedroom, almost ranting to himself. "This shouldn't even be possible. That position was _**MINE**_****, and I fucking turned it down!"

"You were offered Chief?"

Derek just ignored Meredith's question as a terrible realization crossed his face. "This is my fault. I told him to do it over. I told him to keep the job." He shook his head, trying to will the situation away, to no avail. "He shouldn't have been there. He should have been with Adele. I did this. I did this to him, because I was too scared to take the job. Dammit!"

"Derek, you're not making any sense. Sit down, tell me what's going on. When did this happen?" Meredith was scared. It was a day after surgery, and Mr. Bonder had woken up. Derek was back on his game earlier in the day, but now he looked like he had taken a shot to the gut.

"What's to tell? I turned down chief the same day as Burke's wedding," he was still shaking his head. "I can't do anything right."

"Oh," Meredith said, turning away, the guilt beginning to wash over her. This was harder than she expected. "So you…that day…in the locker room. You knew then?"

"Of course I knew then," Derek said, "The board chose me. They had to pick _someone_, and I couldn't…I needed you. I couldn't do both."

"I don't understand…" Meredith's eyes were beginning to fill with tears.

"He was the better man. I thought he needed to figure out to have it all, so I could…" Derek stopped, almost choking on his words.

"What? So you could what, Derek?"

"So I knew it was possible. To do the job and have you…"

"And then I left…" Meredith cast her glance down, but as the tears fell, she looked up at the ceiling, hoping to force them back. Maybe they needed to throw in the towel on the trial. She could put his job first, he was that important to her, and she needed to show him. "Do you want to go back?"

"Can't," he laughed sarcastically, throwing his arms up in the air. "Chief _SLOAN _says we have to stay here and keep working."

"So that's what we'll do. We've got more complex cases coming in, and Cassler's team will be taking on more and more responsibility. We all need you here, Derek. I need you here." She had no idea he had been offered the position, but was nothing she could do. Decisions had been made, and they had to stand by them, and stand by each other. Did he regret those decisions though? Was he mad at her for this?

"Fine. It isn't like I have a choice." Derek lamented. He laid back on the bed, breathing into his hands, and then clenching them into fists that pounded on his forehead.

"It's okay, this isn't a permanent change. You said it yourself."

"Should I have taken the job, Mer? Did I choose wrong?"

"I…I don't know," Meredith stammered. This was too much to take in all at once. He had turned down chief for them, and she had walked away. The chief had almost died, and Mark was serving in his stead. "Do you still want to be chief? I mean, am I in the way of that?"

There was no fighting it now, Meredith was crying. She was terrified that this could be the beginning of the end; that he resented her, and he wanted out. Her tears were the only thing that had broken through his blind rage. His mentor and friend was lying in a hospital bed, and there was nothing he could do.

"What?" he asked, his voice suddenly tender, as he finally looked her in the eye. "Oh my god, Meredith, come here."

He gathered her in his arms, and let her weep. "If the decisions I've made have led me to be here with you, they are all worth it."

"But you…chief…and me, I did…I was horrible."

"We weren't us then. We hadn't been us for a while…since…well a while. We're us now."

She wiped at her eyes, almost embarrassed at her emotional outburst when Derek was the one who needed her. "You could go…I mean, I'd understand if you needed to be back there."

"I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now, Mer." He held her gently in his arms, shielding her from his own tears for the moment.


	8. Chapter 8

One week had passed. One week. They had been lucky. They had been through three more surgeries, and had only lost one patient. Even that one loss though, was due to a complication unrelated to the trial. They had laid out a plan, this week Meredith would pull back from the OR, allowing Derek to teach a counterpart for her. Next week, Derek would pull back, allowing Dr. Cassler to take the lead. The final week would allow Derek and Meredith to simply observe.

Meredith was getting nervous. Ever since Derek had learned about the Chief and Mark, he had a vacancy in his eyes. He was focused in the OR, as he needed to be. But, once he left that sterile environment, that focus and confidence were left at the door. Meredith took him out for drinks again with Sam and Danny. Though he smiled and added the spare comment every so often, she could tell his mind was elsewhere. It was as if he could only let his guard down around Meredith, and no one else was allowed to see him struggle except for her.  
The crowd had begun to gather in the gallery, eager to see their very own Dr. Reinhardt scrub in with on the trial for the first time. It wasn't as large a group as the first surgery, but a sizeable one nonetheless. Meredith chewed absentmindedly on her finger as the surgery commenced. She went through the steps in her mind, right along with Derek. If she couldn't be down there with him, her thoughts could be. However, a buzzing at her hip broke her synchronous thought. Her phone showed George's number. She had called him earlier, and knew that with both their schedules along with the time difference, she'd have to take the call now.

Meredith nodded down to Derek, signaling that she was stepping out. She didn't want him to look up and not see her there, not this first day without her by his side. He nodded his okay, and she excused herself to the hall.

"Hey George," she said quietly, stepping into a vacant office.

"Mer! How is it going?"

"Good! The trial is good. Derek's in surgery now."

"You're not in there with him?"

"Oh, no," she dismissed, waving her hand in front of her as if George could see. "This week they are rotating in fellows in my place."

"Well, that's good then right? They're figuring it out?"

"Yeah, real good. They're pretty talented here. Everyone's been really nice…" Meredith didn't want to talk about the trial. Talking about the trial meant talking about bigger things. She didn't know if she was ready to talk about bigger things. "So how is Dr. Sloan doing as Chief?"

"Aside from the rumor that he has his own personal Monica Lewinsky?" he snorted.

"George!" she giggled, but then took a beat. "Wait. Does he?"

"Not that I've seen. He's actually not half bad. He's organized and focused. The OR board looks great. The staff seems to really respect him. It's kinda scary."

"Wow. How's the Chief doing?"

"He's okay. Hahn sent him home yesterday, and he was barking orders right out the door. You know how he gets."

"Yeah…" Meredith sighed.

"You okay Mer? You sound funny."

"I dunno, George. I mean, yeah, I'm okay." Meredith looked up, deciding whether or not to have this conversation. "Something's wrong with Derek. He's really upset all the time, and I don't…what am I supposed to do?"

"Seriously? After everything you guys have been through? I'll come out there. Okay, I won't, but I'll send Cristina out there."

"What? No. George, Derek and I, we're fine. He's…something's not right."

"Oh…Howso? I mean, is he sick?"

"No, nothing like that. It's just. You know how surgeons always go into the OR like we own the place?"

"Yeah?" George agreed, hoping Meredith would continue.

"I don't think he owns the place anymore. Well, he does, but when he leaves? It's like he is barely holding it together," Meredith said, biting her lip.

"Have you tried talking with him at all?"

"A little, I guess…maybe. This whole thing with the Chief and Sloan? It's really gotten to him, but I think there's more than that. I don't think he wants to talk."

"Make him talk."

"What?"

"Make him talk, Mer. Remember how you cornered me in the elevator? I didn't want to listen that day, but I heard you. Make him talk," George directed.

Meredith breathed in, and repeated George's advice softly. "Make him talk." She exhaled and continued, "Yeah. Okay. Thanks, George."

"Are you gonna be okay?"

"I think so. Oh, hey, how is the house looking?" She managed to laugh a bit, remembering why she had called George in the first place.

"Ah! It looks great! You should see it, it's really coming together. Lexie and I took some pictures to email you guys."

"You took my sister to see the house?" Meredith asked skeptically.

"Oh, I hope that was okay. It's just that it's a long drive and I thought…" George hesitated.

"No, no. It's good. Just…I forget she's around sometimes. I think I need to get better about that."

"She's pretty great. You should call her up sometime; I think she'd like that."

"Yeah, maybe you're right. I did mention she could come out here. I'll see if I can pull in a favor from the new Chief," she said, smirking to herself.

"We all miss you here Mer."

"Thanks George, say hi to everyone for me." Meredith said, closing her phone.

She began to make her way back to the OR gallery. George was right, she needed to get Derek to open up. He was trying, and she could tell he was trying, but it wasn't enough. Sooner or later, his mood would permeate into his surgeries, and she needed to keep that from happening. They were going to figure out this together. She opened up the door, noticing all of the stunned faces in the silent gallery. She looked down just in time to see Derek furiously throw his mask to the ground.

"Time of death. 10:15."

This was really bad. Meredith watched as Derek stormed out of the OR, and she turned out of the gallery, taking two steps at a time to get down to the surgical floor.

"Derek. What happened? I missed it, I was checking on the house, and…" Meredith asked, out of breath.

"I…I don't know," he stuttered. "He was fine, the patient was stable, and I…I…he crashed. He…something went wrong when we were injecting the virus." Derek leaned back against the wall, one knee slightly bent to allow him to kick it back. He was mentally replaying the scene over and over, trying to pick apart where he could have made an error. "We were doing fine, the pacing was right, he just coded."

"Okay," she soothed, stroking his arm. "It's a trial, we knew that we'd lose some of them. We've been doing this for a few months now, and they're a new staff working on this. It's okay, Derek."

"No…no it is _not_ okay. Meredith, you don't know…" he whispered. He was looking down, staring intently at the tiles by his feet.

"Okay...I mean…not okay. But listen, we need to go into the staff meeting to figure out what happened. After that, we can…" she thought quickly, her hands dancing nervously, "Derek?"  
Meredith had to step in front Derek to get him to snap back. She tenderly placed both delicate hands on his roughened cheeks, pulling his face up to look at her. She tilted her head a bit to the side and asked, "Derek. Do you need me to postpone the meeting?"

His eyes were rimmed red, and she could tell it was taking all of his self control to keep any semblance of a cool demeanor about him. He blinked a few times, and said, "We have to do this, they're expecting me to…"

"I'll be in there. The whole time."

He nodded, trying to get himself psyched up to lead a team of his peers in dissecting his performance. He pushed his hands back against the wall to stand up straight. His hands immediately went to his hips, exhaling out before walking ahead of Meredith to the usual conference room.

Before Derek could even begin, Dr. Reinhardt spoke up. "Dr. Shepherd, I am so sorry, I think…"

"No," Derek calmly stated. "We have a process and procedure to walk through this. There's no sense in apologizing before we even know what happened."

Derek looked at Meredith, sitting at the far end of the table. She needed to make sure he looked out at the whole room, and sitting by his side, he'd only be able to look down. His face showed only the utmost professionalism while his eyes were unable to hide his gratitude for Meredith's support. He went through the IRB checklist that they had submitted to the NIH. They were required to notate all events that occurred throughout the trial, good or bad. It helped Derek to detach from the death, at least for the time being.

Meredith watched as the room followed Derek's lead. He was an amazing teacher, always thinking. The group offered up places where things may have gone wrong, and they were all learning valuable lessons. As tragic as any loss was, the trial would be stronger for it. Derek wrote on the dry erase board, as the team bounced theories about for the next patient, and for the protocol overall. He had moments like this, she thought, where he was fine. It was as if he could completely compartmentalize his stress. It wasn't enough though. There was a gravity to his voice that rung in her ears. She faked a smile, taking down notes, checking them against the notes of the doctor beside her for accuracy. The sooner they could go home, the better. They only had another hour left to the day, and then they had two days until the next patient.

"Okay, thank you everyone. Today was difficult, but you all did good work in there," Derek said solemnly. The team filtered out, as Dr. Cassler stayed behind to go over some of the more fine details.

"I'm just going to step outside for a sec, Derek. I'll be right back," Meredith said, grabbing her phone.

She closed the door behind her as she stepped into the hall. She dialed Sam's number, tapping her fingers against her hip.

"Mer?"

"Sam, hey. You got a second?"

"Sure Mer, what's up?"

"Do your parents still own that place we used to go up to in the summertime?"

"The house up on Martha's Vineyard? Yeah, they still go up every now and then. They're getting older though, so they rent it out a lot."

"Do you think…Derek's…Is anyone up there right now?"

"Let me check the calendar." The line crinkled as Sam held the phone against her clothes, "All free, Mer. Did you want to come get the keys?"

"Yeah, let me talk to Derek, just to make sure, and we'll stop by on our way out."

They talked for a few minutes longer, before Meredith returned to the room, where Derek was sitting alone. She leaned over him, her forearms resting on his shoulders, and her fingers pulling through his dark locks. "So…" she murmured in his ear. "We have the next two days off. I was thinking we could get away for a bit."

He turned his chair around and pat his legs, inviting her to sit on his lap. "Was there somewhere in particular you wanted to go?"

"Well," she said, dragging the word long. "When I was in school, my mom never had much interest in vacations, but Sam's parents always took her and her brother away for two weeks every summer. Sam's mom would take me with them, because it was a win-win."

"Oh?" he asked.

"Yeah, I got to go to the beach, and she could stay in as many surgeries as she wanted."

"Sounds like you got the better end of that deal."

"Not how she saw it," Meredith replied cheekily. "Anyway, they still have the place, and no one was using it. So I was thinking you could make it up to me."

"Make what up?"

"The 48 hours of uninterrupted this," she said, pulling him in for a long kiss.

"Mmm. Where is 'this' taking place?" Derek asked, intrigued.

"Out on the Vineyard. Nobody around there who knows us, lots of good food…" she explained.

Derek nodded. A few days respite actually sounded amazing at this point. They hadn't been out in Boston long, but the stress of the trial was exhausting. The sheer fact that he had been running on adrenaline caused his energy to plummet when everyone except Meredith was gone. "What time do we need to go?"

"Ah, there is the best part," Meredith proclaimed. "The ferry leaves in a few hours, so we need to get moving."

A smile finally broke through at hearing one of his favorite words cross Meredith's lips. "A ferryboat, huh? Why didn't you say that 10 minutes ago?"

"What fun would that have been?" Meredith laughed, as she stood up, holding out her hand. "Now come on, let's get outta here."


	9. Chapter 9

They had caught the last ferry to the Vineyard from Hyannis that evening. It wasn't a long trip, only about an hour, but enough time for both Meredith and Derek to decompress a bit. Meredith had moved to the front of the ship, Meredith up against the railing, her hair flowing in the swift air from the chop of the ocean. Derek stood behind her, hands on either side of hers, sheltering her from the whips of water that came up every so often. He nuzzled into her neck, breathing her in along with the salty sea. It was peaceful, just the hum of the motor, voices quietly slowly murmuring around them. There were no beeps emanating from monitors; no machines regulating a patient's breathing.

"I always used to stand here by myself when I rode the ferry," Meredith spoke into the evening air. "There was something about the romance of the water. It seemed so serene, like everything was easier out there. When my mom tried to kill herself, I thought that was something she did because she was sad over Thatcher leaving. I guess she thought it was the only way for someone to notice her. Anyhow, we were out on the ferry and I wondered…If I fell in, would she come to save me?"

Derek gently hugged her, and kissed her neck as she continued.

"I don't want that, to feel that desperate. I don't want the romance to only be in my mind. I need it to be real."

"I'm here Meredith, this…us…we're real."

"I know…but you aren't here. You're trying to be here, I know you are, but Derek," she said, turning in his arms to face him, "you are off somewhere else, by yourself. There's this thing we all do as doctors, we put on this show to get through the day. We couldn't do what we do without it."

Derek rested his forehead against hers, letting the silence speak for him.

"We're okay, I know that much, or at least I think so. I'm right, right?"

"Yeah, we're okay," he said with all sincerity.

"Well, I'm not good at this part, and I don't exactly know what I'm doing. You need to give me something, because this thing with you not talking? I'm worried about you."

Derek opened his mouth to speak, but then closed his lips and his eyes firmly, but briefly. Garnering up the courage, he whispered, "Me too."

"Do you get like this a lot?" she asked, searching his eyes for any information.

"No…I don't know. But lately, yeah, a lot," Derek finally confessed.

"Is there anyone in your family or someone you talk to when you get like this?"

"I never had that luxury," he said solemnly. "I grew up faster than I was supposed to."

Meredith hugged him, knowing that small admission was a start. "I'm here, Derek. When you're ready to talk, I'm here." Meredith turned back to face the water, just as they both spied a dolphin surface in the distance. Feeling goose bumps start to rise on her skin, Derek pulled off his half zip sweater, wrapping it around Meredith's small form.

"Maybe being a doctor is God's way of laughing at all of us, our egos." Meredith said quietly, admiring the animal as it dove in and out of the water. "Maybe it doesn't matter what we do, that being a doctor is just a way of making us think we have control when really, there's no such thing."

They sat staring at the water together in silence for a while, just thankful to be in one another's embrace. "We like to think that if we think a little harder, if we work more diligently, that we can do anything. But we can't Derek," she paused for a moment. "Did Addison know what to say when you got like this, because I don't," she swallowed. "Know what to say next, that is."

"It was different," he admitted, his brow furrowing with narrowed eyes. "We were always going so fast. She wanted…we both wanted this perfect picture of a marriage. There was never was a chance to be real. We made sure of that."

"For 11 years?"

"Kind of sad, I know."

"And you don't want that life anymore? Avoidance has its merits sometimes," she half-smiled, sympathetically.

"No," he said with great relief. "No, I want what we have. It's hard, you know? Talking about things you never thought you'd have to say, that you'd never have to admit to yourself much less anyone else."

"I do, I do know," she assured him, thinking of her own journey. It was hard at times, torturous even. "You think that if you can't see your problems, then no one else can see them either. I get that. But the thing is, I can see it. I can see it in your eyes, in the way your shoulders hang with a little more tension. Your face is always tight like you are trying to figure something out. I can see it. Maybe no one else can see it, but I can."

She slid a soft palm down from his temple to his chin, "I'm just saying that I know what it feels like, and whatever it is? You don't have to figure it out on your own. I'm not running anywhere."

Derek hugged her close and sadly laughed into her wavy hair, now slightly ratty from the wind. "I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you…"

"We can take care of each other."

Derek shook his head in amazement at Meredith. Just then, he noticed lights spiking the landscape. "It looks like we're coming up to the dock."

"Maybe we should make our way to the car?" Meredith smiled.

Derek nodded and placed her hand in his. They slowly walked around the deck taking their time to enjoy the view. They sat down in the car as they waited their turn to drive off of the ferry, and onto the island.

* * *

Derek parked the car outside the New England style cottage, framed with hydrangea in full bloom. It was out of a fairy tale, complete with picket fence. The cobblestones led a path to the front door, a hint of grass growing between the smooth rocks. It was late and with the humidity where it was, dew had already begun to form on the ground below their feet. It had been a terribly long day. Meredith had talked, and Derek had said things. It wasn't everything, but it was definitely something.

Meredith unlocked the door as Derek swept under her feet, literally carrying her over the threshold.

"What are you doing?" she shrieked in surprise.

"Just practicing for when the house is finished," Derek smirked.

"I know some other things you've been practicing," Meredith said in a sultry voice, kissing him deliciously.

"Oh, we are beyond practice. We're experts."

They fell to the floor laughing, finally relaxed, knowing that they were alone. It wasn't just that there were no other people, it was that the hospital and all of the stress that came with it were hours away. It was just them, and they had done enough talking for one day.

"I think I could probably show you a trick or two sometime," she whispered, pulling on his earlobe between her teeth.

"Man, I am an _idiot_ for not taking you away sooner."

Derek slid his hands around Meredith's back, holding the back of her head as he brought his lips to meet hers. He needed her touch tonight. She needed to let him care for her. She wanted him to tell her it would all be okay, that she didn't need to worry. She knew he couldn't make those promises forever, but he could make them tonight.

"Where's the bedroom?" Derek managed to say, barely able to pull lips from hers.

"Which one?" Meredith said breathlessly.

"_Any_," he groaned, desperate to lay down with her.

"Master bedroom," she panted, "up the stairs on the left."

Derek picked her up as she wrapped her legs around him, carrying her up the stairs. His strong hands supported her, while teasing the backs of her thighs with his nails. He grasped at her ass as she somehow kicked open the half-closed door that awaited them.

He laid her gently on the bed, as he took off the tee that he had been wearing, kicking off his sneakers. He stood above her, taking in her beauty as she lay before him, her hair curled about. He sat down beside her, his eyes running from head to toe. She had taken off her top and shorts, her silken undergarments remaining. She looked so sweet, but he knew what that body was capable of.

Moving his body over hers, he allowed his eyes to close. There was a beautiful simplicity in her touch. Her fingers danced lightly over his skin, as he pushed her hair away from her face. Derek caught Meredith's bottom lip between his, sucking firmly before letting his tongue enter her mouth. The lovers kissed, stroking each other's bodies for ages, and fully disrobing, before Derek finally moved a hand to her hip.

His lips drifted lower on her body, eagerly taking a nipple into his mouth as she moaned. Electricity coursed through her veins as he gently tugged on the pink bud. His hand moved lower, until he was cupping her pussy, the heel of his hand pressing against her. He rubbed more firmly, spreading her wetness around, as she moved her hips, building her own pressure.

She let out a gasp as he slipped two fingers into her, as he let his mouth hover over her womanhood. His moist breath could be felt throughout her body as he took in her scent, wafting through his nose, hardening his cock further. He licked apart her folds, while he moved his fingers against her walls. Focusing in on her clit, he wrapped his tongue around her, teasing out the hardened nub. She began to pant harder as he increased the pace and friction of his efforts. Her hands wrapped in his curls as he removed his fingers, using his hands to brace himself on her thighs while his tongue entered her repeatedly. She whimpered out as she came, his licks slowing to allow her some relief.

He moved back up, to kiss her swollen rosy lips. They shared a look of contentment as he tenderly kissed her face her cheeks flushed in satisfaction. His hardened member was resting at her entrance, and she brought her hand down to caress it, guiding the velvety skin to her own waiting body.

"Oh _god_," he moaned as he entered her. She was so wet and tight, taking him in like he was coming home. She rolled them both, so that she was now atop of him, bringing them up to a seated position, his penis still nestled well within her. Using his muscular shoulders as leverage, she rose up and then back down, sliding easily against him. He thrust up, slowly, but with a firm intensity, needing to reach up as far as he could within her.

Making his thrusts long, slow, and deep, Derek watched Meredith's face as she lost herself in sensations again. As they moved gently together, she looked almost peaceful, smiling softly, her eyes gazing up into his. When his thrusts became faster and harder, and the exquisite pleasure built in them both, he could see it in her face. She bit her lip, her eyes squeezed shut and she began to arch her body. Her legs tightened around him, and she pulled him harder to her as her nails dug into the flesh of his back. He felt her body tense and tighten around his member. He groaned and threw his head back, then surged upwards, his thrusts hard and fast as he drove them both toward release. She cried out and her body strove to match him.

All at once, she bowed forward, her hips slamming against his as she came hard, shuddering beneath him and letting out a cry of pure pleasure. He felt her pussy tighten around his cock, and he thrust wildly, ramming into her one last time and holding deep as he came, his hot cum shooting inside her. A guttural moan escaped him as he shook with his release, his hips grinding into hers as they rode out their orgasms. They lay together in a panting heap, her soft utterances of love in his ear.

"That was…" he breathed.

"Wonderful." Meredith said, completing his thought.

He wrapped a protective arm around her as she snuggled onto his shoulder, pressing her sated body against his.

"Did I ever tell you how safe I feel in your arms? Afterwards and all, like now…it's like nothing else in the world can touch us."

Derek pulled her in and kissed the top of her head. He made her feel safe. He was able to do for her what no other person had provided for her in her life. He had to talk, he had to let her know that he felt the same way.

"My dad died when I was a kid," he said softly, his eyes closed gently at the thought. "No one ever expects to have to deal with something like that. I had to grow up, be the one with all the answers, take care of the women in the house." His fingers traced a path up and down her arm that had found its way around his waist.

Meredith had expected him to react to her admission, but hadn't expected that. She picked up her head, her chin resting on his shoulder. He had talked about his sisters, and occasionally his mother. He had maybe mentioned something once or twice in passing about his dad being gone. It hadn't occurred to her that his dad was actually dead, not just out of the picture like Thatcher. "Why didn't you ever tell me? I mean, with my mom and everything…"

Derek let out a sigh, knowing that he had so many opportunities to let her in before, and had just let them pass by. "It was too much. I had pushed it aside for thirty years, and it was easier to focus on you than…"

"Than what?"

"Than admitting that I wasn't the man he wanted me to become."

"Oh, Derek." Meredith said sympathetically, her hand resting on his cheek. "You are twice the man that any father could hope for. How could you think that?"

Derek just shook his head, deep in thought. "I don't know. But I do know that I love you. Can we just…" he choked, unable to say more.

"Sleep? Yeah. Let's go to sleep." She kissed his lips, returning to rest her head on his shoulder. "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you too. So much."


	10. Chapter 10

Meredith rolled over in the bed, where somehow she had stolen all of the covers. She was still naked and smiling from the amazing sex the night before. She glanced to her side, expecting to find her amazing boyfriend, but he had already gotten out of bed. Yawning, she stretched out her legs and arms. She was no longer nervous as to whether or not Derek would be with her when she woke up, she had worked past that. She was more worried that she would find him deep in tense thought. She threw on his tee, which just covered her and made her way down the stairs.

"I thought I heard you moving around up there. Here." Derek smiled, handing Meredith a cup of coffee and kissing her on the cheek.

She sipped the warm drink, both hands wrapped around the mug, grinning over its edge. "You are a good man, Derek Shepherd."

"All I have to do to be a good man is bring you coffee? You have low standards."

"Shut up," she giggled. "Where did you get this? Did you walk into town?"

"Yeah, a little shop around the way. I got treats too," he said, with a raise of his eyebrow.

"Ooh!" she said, her eyes widening as she tried to grab the bag from his hands.

"Not so fast. I want to go eat these outside. Throw on some shorts and sandals, let's walk to the beach." As she passed by him, he swatted her behind, eliciting a playful glare from Meredith.

He watched her climb the stairs and smiled inwardly. She had gotten him to say things he never spoke about with anyone. Not with his mother, or Mark, certainly not to Addison or any other woman. She loved him, and she was not only not running, but standing strong for him. Letting her in felt surprisingly good. He had expected to open up and feel worse, the morning after, all he could feel was thankful. He heard her little feet shuffle around on the hardwood floor above him, and then the slap of her flip-flops against her heels as she came downstairs.

"Ready," she said, scratching the back of her head, still waking up a bit.

The beach wasn't that far off, just a few short blocks to the beach. The sun had long since risen, but the only people on the beach were people walking their dogs or taking an early morning jog. Derek laid out a towel and sat down. Meredith sat between his legs, her back against his chest. She dug into the white paper bag and pulled out a croissant, handing one to Derek.

"Tell me about your family." Meredith said.

"What do you want to know? I have a pretty big family." Derek asked, not knowing where to start.

"Where did you go on vacations together?"

"I think you asked me that once before," Derek smirked, recalling when Meredith had last been so interested in the fine details of his life. She had wanted to know everything about him, his grandparents, his friends, all of it. All he had given her was some trivia and the absence of the most important detail at the time.

"You never answered," she smartly said, taking another bite of her breakfast.

"Fair enough," he laughed. "There were a lot of us, my four sisters, my parents, sometimes Mark, and anyone my sisters dragged along. My parents did fine for themselves, but they weren't rich or anything. We usually went out to the Hamptons for a week."

"I thought you just said that you weren't rich."

Derek shook his head, "We weren't. Back then it wasn't as much of a status symbol as it is now. My parents would rent a motel for a week, and Mark and I would get one room with my folks and the girls would get their own room. There was a kitchenette, and a grill out back. You could step outside and be on the beach."

"Sounds nice."

"Mmm. My dad and I would go out a few times during the week. We'd get up before the sun rose, and he'd take me out to fish. On our way back, we'd pick up pastries for everyone. There was this one time," Derek chuckled. "Caryn, she's the oldest. Somehow she got Mark to agree to a makeover with the rest of my sisters. Anyhow, my dad and I snuck off to see how far we could walk along the beach. We came back and we had blisters covering the entire soles of our feet. I've never seen my mom so angry."

"I'll bet," Meredith laughed, just happy to hear about Derek's childhood. It sounded so idyllic. She wondered what it was like to have a father around who wanted to be there, to know him. "Did you guys do things like that a lot?"

"Mmmm," he nodded, his feet slowly digging into the sand. "He said I was the man among the women…that I needed to help scare away all their boyfriends. I got special treatment, I know I did. He expected a lot of me for it though." Derek paused to take a sip of coffee before continuing. "I was always the one he would rely on when there was work around the house, or when my mom needed help with something. I was his right hand."

"How old were you when…well…you know?" Meredith asked, unsure if Derek would answer.

"Ahhh, see, you're asking the wrong question." He said, his voice taking on lighter tone than his face reflected. "I was 13, but the question you should be asking was 'how old was _he_ when he died?'."

Meredith turned to him with a puzzled look.

"42. The same age I am now." There was a slight curling of his lip as he said the words, almost as if they were poison.

"He was 42. He was fine one day, and the next day he was gone. He had his life together by 42. He had a solid job with a pharmaceutical company, a big family, our house that he worked on during the weekends. He loved that damned house, he was always building something or fixing things. What do I have to show for my life? Some fancy degrees? A wasted decade? I just found you Meredith…I need more time."

Derek thought about his father, and then about his mother. They both spent all of their time either working or with the kids. There was no time to simply enjoy one another's company. His dad traveled so much, so when he came home it was always the same. Kiss the wife, eat dinner, sleep, and then do it all over again. He remembered that his dad would tell his mother about whisking her away on some fantastic vacation without the kids. But he never recalled them actually taking one. There was nothing mythical about their marriage, it was just who they were. They were tired, like any other working class couple, and then they ran out of time.

"We have plenty of time Derek, we're here now, and you've accomplished so much at work. He'd be so proud of you."

"Do you remember Beth and Jeremy?" Derek started, by way of explanation.

"Always," Meredith said gently, a quiet encouragement for him to continue. Without Beth, there was no telling where they would be right now. They certainly would not be sitting like this on a beach, three thousand miles from home. There would be no trial, no house…no them.

"After they had…well…when we…" Derek said with uncharacteristic shyness.

"Were their pimps?" Meredith laughed.

Derek closed his eyes and also laughed at the memory. As his patients had been making love in the room behind him, all he could imagine was touching her, making her moan. It wasn't a dirty thought, but rather a wistful one. "So to speak, yes. We were about to take Jeremy away for surgery, and he said something to Beth."

Meredith remembered Jeremy's statement very clearly, because it was like a dagger through her heart at the time.

Derek turned Meredith's small form so she could see him. Derek's expression conveyed so many different emotions all in one. Regret over not choosing Meredith. Fear of his own mortality. Doubt over the path he had taken through life. There was, however, one emotion that shone through all of them.

"Meredith…I am not done loving you," he said slowly, accentuating each word. "It took me forty years to find you, and now…I don't want to imagine a life without you, I can't."

Meredith had never expected to be loved like that. And with just a few words, he managed to render her both without words and breathless. A tear of happiness ran down her cheek, unable to hide how taken she was with what he had just told her. Derek leaned in, kissing her the way she ought to be kissed, before standing and taking her hand. Nothing else mattered right now. Being together was all that they could ask for. "Walk on the beach?"

Still stunned and overcome, Meredith smiled and took his hand, strongly squeezing it. This was all unexplored territory for each of them. Derek may have been married, but there was a reason he hadn't loved so deeply until now, something he still hadn't found a way to put into words. Meredith, on the other hand, had never felt something as all consuming as this. There were no words that she knew that could match up with the emotion that had her heart pumping so hard that she was sure Derek could hear it.

Derek had said all he was ready to share, though it was only the beginning of why he had spent a lifetime being closed off and absent. As their hands swung together, he couldn't help but wonder if his parents had once felt this way, before the family came. He wished he could have seen how much they loved each other, and if his dad had ever loved his mother like he loved Meredith. Vacations with seven people, and sometimes more, had always been chaotic. If his parents were this much in love, it must only have been expressed in stolen glances, because he had missed it entirely.

They strolled leisurely along the grainy beach, the sand coarse, and the water cold. Every now and again they would share a look of contentment. Derek took up a shell, and tried his best to skip it along the current. It fell with a 'plop', which caused Meredith to giggle that sweet sound that elicited a Pavlovian smile himself. Both laughing, Derek picked Meredith up and walked further into the water, now up to his calves.

"Derek, I swear to God," she threatened.

"Well, now I have no choice," he said, very seriously. Meredith thrashed about, but nonetheless laughing hysterically as she pounded on his back with tightened fists. Before she could wriggle away, Derek took a deep breath and plunged them both deep into the Atlantic Ocean.

"You son of a…"

Before Meredith could complete the thought, he kissed her deeply, a small wave crashing over their heads. They both wiped the saltwater out of their eyes as Meredith tilted her head and raised her eyebrows. She placed one hand on his shoulder to steady herself, and came back up with her shorts in hand.

Derek looked around, and seeing that none of the distant people were paying attention to them, followed suit. He hoisted Meredith up, her legs wrapping around him.

"Wow," he breathed in between kisses, his cock beginning to pay attention to what was going on. "This…"

"Told you I'd show you something new…" she saucily uttered, nibbling on his neck, the saltwater mixing with the taste of his body.

He groaned and brought a hand between them, guiding himself inside of her. Her pussy was warm and inviting, in sharp contrast to the cold of the water. He withdrew a bit and then thrust up, meeting her as she came down hard against his hips. She ground against him, creating friction between them, needing more. He shifted his hand around to her clit, as she arched her back in pleasure. He captured a nipple in his mouth as she thrust it forward. The candied nub was hardened with the temperature, allowing him to flick it repeatedly before switching to its twin. The sensation was too much and she fell forward against him, her forehead braced against his shoulder. His free hand was on her ass now, quickening their pace.  
She cried out as she reached her orgasm, his powerful final thrust signaling his own end. He shot up within her core, throbbing against her spasming walls. They clutched each other tightly as their bodies allowed their muscles to finally relax. Facing the shore, Derek opened his eyes. A small handful of people had stopped, one or two pointing in their direction.

"I think we may have an audience," Derek chuckled in her ear, still high from their illicit sex.

"Oh I should have told you…this simply isn't the kind of thing that is _done_ here on Martha's Vineyard," Meredith laughed in her best WASPy tone.

"It's a good thing we live in Seattle then."


	11. Chapter 11

Meredith pulled into the garage of their apartment building, noticing Derek had fallen asleep on the drive back from Hyannis. She unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned over to kiss his cheek. "We're home, sleepyhead."

"Hmm?" he said, opening his eyes.

"You must have been exhausted, you barely said a word the whole way back," Meredith said.

"Yeah?" Derek said with his usual charm, hoping to avoid an actual conversation. "Maybe you just wore me out."

"Oh really?" she said doubtfully, "Never seemed to bother you before. Maybe you're just getting too old for me."

Derek narrowed his eyes, and got out of the car, slamming the door. He grabbed their suitcase from the trunk, and shooting another look at her, started away to the elevator.

"Derek?" Meredith asked, momentarily confused. Then it hit her. She closed her eyes and brought a hand to her lips in regret. "Derek!" she shouted louder, locking up the car, trying to catch the elevator. Derek, however, let the doors close between them.

He pressed the button for the 17th floor, and sank back against the metal bar that wrapped around the elevator. The last thing he wanted right now was to say something to Meredith that he didn't mean, and so rather than snap, he was avoiding. If it were anyone else, he'd have laughed it off. With Meredith though, it wasn't as easy. She had the power now to both love him and hurt him more than any other person ever had. But now, as each floor passed, Derek felt worse and worse. He left her. She had made an offhanded joke, and he left her. The doors opened on his floor and he knew that he had to fix this before it became a bigger deal than it actually was.

Meredith was still waiting in the garage, her foot tapping impatiently, noticing that the elevator had stopped at 17 and was now returning. She had a few moments to figure out what to do. There was nowhere to run to, she had to deal with what had just occurred. She had only meant to make a light joke about their ages. Unfortunately, it was regarding the very subject that had been weighing on Derek so heavily these last few weeks. This is what she did. She had a good thing, and then screwed it up. She shook her head at herself, as she played with the watch on her wrist.

The Vineyard had been fairly close to heaven. They had made love at all hours and in various places. Derek had been insatiable, not that Meredith minded. It was the perfect 48 hours that he had promised her so long ago, but she had been able to give it to him. The downside was, now that he had opened up, neither of them could avoid the fact that there were many unresolved issues fighting to surface.

Meredith took a deep breath as the elevator signaled its arrival. She looked down at her feet as the door opened.

"I'm sorry."

Meredith's head shot up. Derek was standing in the elevator, his hands in his pockets, head tilted with that smirk of his. It was a look that was his first line of defense when he screwed up, but rarely was followed by an apology.

"You…what?"

"I'm sorry," he said as he walked towards her.

"You…heh," she laughed nervously, "You don't apologize. Ever." She was right, apologizing wasn't Derek's way. He would sooner explain that he had made an error, but wouldn't apologize for it. Here he was though, saying he was sorry.

"I'm apologizing," Derek insisted.

"You're apologizing?" Meredith repeated, still confused. She shook her head as she spoke, reminding him that he never did this.

"I shouldn't have…you were just trying to be funny, and I overreacted."

"I shouldn't have joked, it wasn't even that funny," Meredith lamented, finally breathing again, stepping into the elevator with Derek. He placed one arm around her, pulling her to his side as his other hand once again pressed the button for their floor.

"No, don't worry," he sighed. "We…it was a long day, it's fine." The last thing he wanted was for her to worry about them.

"That's my line," Meredith said, as they entered their apartment, heading towards their bedroom.

Derek was being quiet again. He was sinking back into his head, his mind going a mile a minute yet at the same time was that paralyzing lead in his step. "Hmm?" he asked.

"Fine. You said fine…and that's what I say when…oh." Meredith said, as they sat down on the bed, kicking off their shoes.

His eyes met hers in acknowledgement, and he pulled her forehead to his with a tender kiss. They each let out a sigh of exhaustion from the travel, the almost fight, all of it. She wasn't going to push though, not tonight.

They both got undressed in silence, and while Derek slipped under the sheets, Meredith went to lock up and turn out the lights. Something was bothering him, and it had come on suddenly. It wasn't even the joke, he had barely said a word to her since leaving the ferry. Maybe she was overreacting as much as he was, and just reading into it all. She walked barefoot back to bed and laid on her side towards Derek.

"Der?" she asked, but she was only met by the gentle breathing of a sleeping man. His back was towards her, and so she fit her knees behind his, her chest against his strong back, an arm wrapping protectively around him as she laid her head on the pillow. "I love you," she murmured, planting one last kiss on his neck before closing her eyes.

* * *

Derek woke up alone. He always managed to get up before Meredith, but the smell coming from the kitchen let him know that it wasn't the case today. He scratched his hands through his hair, and pulling on pajama bottoms, made his way to the kitchen where Meredith was pulling toast out of the toaster oven and pouring some coffee.

"You made breakfast," he said, amusedly, kissing Meredith on the cheek.

"I made toast," she shrugged. "I can make toast. If you want something more, you'll have to make it. We've seen how I do with eggs."

Derek grabbed the coffee, taking a tentative sip at first, but noting it wasn't half bad, grabbed a seat at the table.

"Did you sleep okay?" Meredith asked nervously. She hadn't actually slept much at all. She was too busy trying to figure out why Derek kept snapping, and what had brought all of this brooding melancholy on. She had figured that the issue with Derek's father had been what was weighing on his mind, but now that it was out, she found it hard to believe that it was the only fear on his mind.

"Yeah, I slept okay I guess," he said. "You?"

"Not really, actually."

Derek furrowed his brow in concern, "Everything okay?"

Meredith pursed her lips for a moment before losing it. "No Derek!" she shouted in exasperation, popping up and pacing the floor. "You know what? No, everything is not okay! I ask you if you're alright, and you say fine. You are fantastic all weekend and then the second we get home, you're all whiny and moody. I don't know what to do, and I'm trying here, to be the good girlfriend and be all supportive, but you're…UGH! What the hell is wrong with you that you won't talk to me?!"

Derek bit back a little smile at Meredith's outburst, because laughing at her would be a bad idea. She was worried about him, and trying to get through. She was right, he had been wallowing far too long and he had to just get everything out on the table. He wasn't even sure where to start with it all, but they had a little while before they needed to go into work, and had to try for her if not for himself.

"I'm scared to fail you again, Mer. I'm terrified, actually. I've never taken risks before, you know that. I'm pretty much as rule-based as they come," Derek started to explain.

Meredith's shoulders dropped their tension, her face softening as she sat down at the table next to him. "Do you really think that after everything we've been through, that you're really going to?"

"Hear me out Mer. My entire life, I have done what is expected of me. My parents worked so hard so that we could all go to college. I didn't just get a good job, I am a brain surgeon, so I could feel like I did my dad proud. I married up, socially at least, to someone who wanted pomp and circumstance, but little substance. I do only what I know will come easy to me. Then you came along, and it all changed. For the first time in my life, I wanted something…something I knew was out of my reach. I wanted you, and I didn't know what came next. I'm flying blind here, and I keep fucking up."

"But you're not…we're talking and we're…we're us. You haven't done anything wrong…"

"Yet. And I've done plenty wrong. I have to question every little thing I do, because I have never wanted anything in life as much as I want us to work. So I have us, and I have this trial, and it's all new, and I don't know what I'm doing. Screwing up before? It didn't matter. I'm a great clinician, and I rarely screw up at work, but this trial. It's messing with me. I…how am I supposed to figure out what to do if I don't know if I can do it?"

Meredith was stunned. She always questioned everything. While she was confident in the skills she had garnered so far as a surgeon, she knew that she had so much more to learn. Nothing about life was easy for her, so it was a bit hard for her to explain to Derek about the uncertainty that had always existed for her. There was only one area of solace she could offer. "Well…" she said, cupping her hands over his that were interlaced on the table, "we just have to figure that part out together, right? That's what couples do…"

"Remind me to put Katherine Wyatt on our Christmas card list," Derek laughed, exhaling a huge sigh of relief. He hadn't been sure how Meredith would react to what he said. He was sure that if he wasn't perfect, she'd want to leave. "That's it. That's everything, warts and all."

"I can't tell you that everything works out in the end. I'm a new optimist, remember? But I'm not going anywhere."

Derek tilted his head back a bit, the relief allowing his body to release the adrenaline that had been building up, tensing his whole system. His eyes were glassy, but he didn't cry. He just nervously laughed a little as he bit into his toast. "That was surprisingly hard to do."

"I can tell," she said softly. "Feel better though?"

"Yeah…do you still love me? I mean…I'm not some perfect guy with all the answers anymore."

"Derek…"

"Hmm?"

"I never thought you were," she said with a sympathetic smile. "I wouldn't have fallen in love with you if you were. What would the fun be in that?"

"I guess," he said. "I'm supposed to be the strong one. You've needed me to be the strong one."

"I have," she admitted. "Sometimes I have, but I don't think we're supposed to be strong all the time. I dunno, I mean…maybe I needed to learn how to be strong for you."

A smile crossed his lips, because she was totally and completely right. She had been strong for him. Ellis and Addison had been wrong. She hadn't loved him because he was a brain surgeon, or because she worshiped him. She loved him, just because she did. Meredith was strong, stronger than most people, as a matter of fact. They were both learning, though, that sometimes being strong meant leaning on someone else for support. He cocked his head back a bit, inwardly smirking and realizing that they could do this. Even if the trial failed, which it wasn't going to, he was figuring it out, how to live life on his own terms.

"You're in your head again," Meredith said, almost questioning him.

"I…you…" he shook his head, amazed at how clear things were becoming finally. "You're amazing."

Meredith didn't completely understand, she hadn't done anything except flip out on him. He was the one who was talking, letting her in. She had just listened. "What do you mean?"

"Just...everything. It's okay, this…we're okay. I've never talked like this to anyone. Anyone, Meredith. But you…you're here and I can't not tell you these things." He stood up, free of the taxing weight that had plagued him not just this month or since Addison, but since, well, forever. He raised his eyebrows, and simply uttered "Wow."

Meredith was just laughing now, she remembered the feeling of relief when she finally figured out what her mother had meant when she told her to be extraordinary. She got it, she understood. "Yeah," she said, now nodding in complete understanding. "Wow."

"Ready to head back to work, Dr. Grey?"

"Very ready, Dr. Shepherd."


	12. Chapter 12

Mark had picked up his phone countless times to call Derek over the last few weeks, but never dialed his number. It was only a few days until he and Meredith were to come back from Boston, but he hadn't spoken to Derek since the day of Richard's heart attack. He had learned over the years not to chase after Derek. He would come around when he had cooled off on his own, he always did. Nonetheless, he missed his friend. Being chief could be a lonely job, and it would have been nice to be able to share some of it with his brother.

His cell started ringing, and he couldn't help but grin as he noticed the caller.

"Sloan," Mark said, coolly.

"Hey Mark, it's me," Derek said from his office at the hospital, playing into Mark's game.

"Who?" Mark asked as if he didn't recognize the voice.

"Yeah yeah, very funny. Do we have to go through the thing?" Derek asked. Just because he could apologize to Meredith, didn't mean that he felt the need to extend the courtesy to Mark.

"Nah man, don't sweat it," Mark said. "I hear you guys are just about set to wrap up out there. Meredith said things seem to be looking good."

Meredith walked into the office to drop off a set of files as she smiled sweetly at Derek.

"Yeah, we're giving final feedback over the next few days and…wait, Mark…when did you talk to Meredith?" Derek asked in confusion. As he spoke, Meredith fiddled with her ring, her new nervous habit that she would do when she seemed to be trying to summon strength or something.

"I talked to Grey a few times. I needed updates for the board, and I didn't want to bug you, seeing as how our last call ended up with you cursing me out and hanging up on me. She gave me the scoop."

"Oh she did, did she?" Derek smirked, now realizing why Meredith's head had popped up when he had said Mark's name. She flashed a sheepish grin at Derek before scurrying back out of the room. "What else did she talk to you about?"

"Ah, that's between me and my dirty mistress," Mark chuckled.

"Right," Derek said, rolling his eyes. "Listen, I need a favor from you."

"Shoot."

"We're not that far from New York, and since we're wrapping up, I was hoping I could get an extra few days to take Meredith down to meet everyone."

"Seeing as how you haven't been home in two years, I should just give you the week off. Mom will eat you alive, not to mention all the girls."

"If you do that, I will tell them what you did that one summer with Mrs…." Derek loved his family, but they could be more than he could handle, especially for extended lengths of time. Going home was an obligation, not something he was particularly excited for.

"Say no more," Mark laughed as he retreated. "two extra days granted."

"Great, though it'll be interesting I'm sure. Anyway, how is it being chief?"

"I think Patricia is trying to get Richard back here as soon as possible," he laughed. "Otherwise, it's fine. I miss cutting though. You did the right thing by turning it down. The bullshit people come to me with, man…you'd hate it. Listen, I gotta run, but tell everyone I say hello when you're down there…if they let you get a word in."

"Thanks Mark…and thanks…for checking in with Meredith and everything." They said their goodbyes, and Derek shut his phone, gently this time.

Maybe Mark was right, scary as that was. Derek loved surgery, the high was unlike anything else. And hating paperwork the way he did, Derek considered the possibility that things were working out just how they were supposed to. He laughed to himself for all of the angst he had needlessly built up, when he was where he needed to be all along. Now he just needed to convince Meredith to come with him, which might be easier said than done.

It wasn't like Derek was particularly looking forward to seeing his family. If he had been close with them, he could never have simply picked up like he did after what happened with Mark and Addison. To some degree, Derek was serious when he told Meredith that ending his marriage to Addison was akin to ending the family that he had. His sisters were a gaggle of women who seemed to have little better to do sometimes than to bust the chops of the only son of Claudia and Joseph Shepherd. He was sick of the elitism that they often exhibited, something his father would have abhorred. They were his family though, like it or not, he couldn't ignore their existence.

About five minutes later, Meredith came into the office once again. "You paged?"

"Yeah, I just got off the phone with Mark," he said, with a raised eyebrow."

Meredith bit her bottom lip, twisting her ring again. "Sorry, it's just…he's the chief now, and he's your friend and you weren't talking to him or something so I figured I'd talk to him so he knew you were okay, but now you're laughing at me so I am guessing you're not mad and you're supposed to stop me from rambling now so feel free to just…"

"Mer," he cut her off, enjoying the rambling. "It's fine, you can talk to Mark, I don't mind."

"Oh. Okay," she said as she sat next to him on the love seat.

"I know that you don't really love doing the family thing, but I was thinking that we could swing by New York before we head back to Seattle," Meredith's body tensed at Derek's words. Derek noticed and placed a gentle hand on Meredith's thigh. "And see my mom and my sisters. Listen, before you say no,"

"I'm not saying no, Derek," she took a deep breath. "I know we have to do this sooner or later. Think they're ready for the slutty intern that broke up your marriage?"

"Well, first off, you and I both know that you didn't break up my marriage, so who cares what they think? Secondly, you won't be getting the brunt of the interrogation. That will be reserved for me. We won't go for long, I promise."

"You sound like you don't want to go…" Meredith said with concern.

"A bit. It's good that we're going, but I haven't been home in a while on purpose."

"Huh? But you love families. Actually, you're the one who convinced me to have Thatcher and Susan over because you love families so much. I just figured…"

"Ahhh, Meredith," Derek sighed, leaning back against the back of the couch. "I love them, I do, but any family has its sore spots. I happen to be that sore spot these days. Addison was a friend of Nancy's, so when we separated, it was like she got to keep my family. It was easier to leave than to explain that that Mark was just the final straw in a marriage that was for show by that point. Not to mention that the whole divorce thing was a pretty big disappointment."

"Would we stay with your mom?"

Derek shook his head and stuck out his bottom lip. "Oh no, we'll get a hotel. Mom and Henry have a condo in the city, and I think we'll both want a place of our own after everyone gives me the third degree."

"Henry?"

"Yeah, after we had all graduated from college, my mom remarried. He's a good enough guy, he's just not my dad," Derek shrugged.

Meredith took everything in, and finally nodded her assent. "Okay, we'll go. Just…promise you'll be by my side the whole time. After the thing with Nancy."

"As long as you promise to be by mine…"  


* * *

  
"A toast!" James Cassler said to the packed house at the bar. "To my esteemed coworkers, Dr. Reinhardt, the rest of the team here, thank you for the long hours, the frustrating setbacks, and your undying dedication. To our patients, we lost more than we would like, but saved more than we could have imagined. Our thoughts are with all of them tonight. And finally, to Dr. Derek Shepherd and Dr. Meredith Grey, for sharing this medical breakthrough with us. We are so lucky to have worked with you both, and are excited to know that the on-call rooms are safe for sleeping in again."

"Hear hear!" was shouted by the mass of people, while Derek and Meredith clinked glasses and kissed. They had done it. They had both come to Boston with fears, Meredith of going home and Derek of being imperfect. But here they were, with colleagues coming up to them, thanking them for allowing them to be a part of the trial. It was medical majesty, and today they were the king and queen.

Sam and Danny finally made their way past the staff, and found their friends, happy as they had seen them. "Congratulations, you two, thanks for inviting us," Danny cheered as he shook Derek's hand and kissed Meredith's cheek.

"We're buying the first round tonight, what are you two having?" Derek asked the pair.

"Um, Sam Adams for me, what do you want, hon?" Danny asked his wife.

"Hmm. Just some tea I think."

Meredith paused mid-sip of her celebratory tequila and stared at her old roommate. Danny started to chuckle as Sam avoided Meredith's narrowed eyes. "NO!" Meredith finally shouted.

"Yeah," Sam said meekly, but smiling.

"How long have you, I mean…we were drinking just over a month ago…"

"We just found out yesterday, I peed on a stick and…well, yeah," Sam said, bouncing her head side to side a bit, as Danny kissed her sweetly.

"Congratulations are in order for everyone it seems!" Derek said, handing Sam and Danny their drinks.

Derek took Danny around to meet a few people while Meredith kept shaking her head. "I can't…you…and Danny…and now you're…"

"Pregnant, I know. Me?! Can you believe it?"

"Honestly, no," Meredith smiled in disbelief.

"Have you and Derek ever talked about kids? Sorry, that's rude. I'm just…well now that I am, I want the whole world to be knocked up."

"You just want someone to have to be sober with you," Meredith snickered.

"Well, there's that too."

"We've talked about it, and we're…not preventing right now."

"Mer?"

"Yes?"

"What the hell does that mean, 'not preventing'?" Sam asked skeptically.

"You know, no condoms, not on the pill."

"Fucking like rabbits?"

"Yeah, see, you know what I mean."

"Mer, you're trying."

"No, we're not trying, we're just not using anything."

"Okay…" Sam says, closing her eyes as she makes a stop motion with her hand. "We are here tonight to celebrate your medical breakthrough, right?"

"Yeah?"

"How are you two doctors? Seriously, what are you two are doing? That's trying in my book."

"No," Meredith tried to explain. "We're not trying. It's just he's in his 40s and I'm in my mid-30s and we figured we should just work on it so that when it happens, we're ready."

"It's not like it's something you need to rack up enough points on Mer," Sam laughed.

Meredith rolled her eyes at Sam, about to sip her drink again, when it hit her. They actually were trying. Slowly Meredith lowered her hand, placing the glass on the table. "Oh my god," she said rubbing the bridge of her nose. She wasn't pregnant, she knew that for sure, but she was mentally chastising herself. _Of course you could get pregnant, you idiot! You're having sex almost every night with a man who comes from a family with more kids than an amusement park._ It wasn't a bad thing, she would be okay if she had been pregnant this month, but she needed to consider the fact that this could actually happen.

"Meredith?" Sam called, waving a hand in her face. "Helloooooo?"

"Yeah, sorry, just…I just realized."

"Yep, I figured. At least my kid'll be the older one corrupting yours for once," Sam shrugged.

They all talked and laughed for hours at the bar, until it was time to turn in. Meredith and Derek finally walked back to their apartment, for the last night they would be there. They had shipped back most of their stuff that morning, and were left with just the things that they would need for a weekend in New York.

Meredith had gotten into bed, while Derek brushed his teeth.

"Der?" Meredith called to him. "That's kinda crazy about Sam and Danny, huh?"

"Ywh. Is gway" he mumbled, as some toothpaste started to come out of his mouth, causing him to run back to the sink.

"What?" Meredith said as she heard Derek spit.

"I said, 'Yeah, it's great'."

"Oh," she said quietly to herself, and then shouting again to the other room. "'Cause you know, that could have been us tonight."

Derek made his way into bed with Meredith, and looked at her with a confused face. "I know, it's exciting, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but I mean, we could get pregnant."

"Yes…." Derek said, laughing a bit, still not understanding. "That's usually what happens with unprotected sex, Meredith."

Meredith's eyes grew wide, shifting around nervously.

"If' you're not ready, we can slow down. It's okay," Derek soothed, realizing that Meredith was getting a little spooked.

"No, I want…I want kids, with you, and us, and the house. I just didn't think that…well, when I said about not preventing, and that…I'm good, no, really, I'm good. It's just…now that Sam's pregnant, and I could get pregnant..."

"You're freaking out?"

"I'm freaking out," she exhaled loudly.

"It's okay to freak out. I mean, I was a little nervous that we'd get pregnant right away, and I'm glad we have some more time still."

"You get nervous about it?"she said with both surprise and relief.

"Sometimes, but I'm more looking forward to it than I am nervous," Derek said, matter-of-factly.

"You're looking forward? To us? To a family?" Meredith couldn't help but smile widely at Derek's assured nature when it came to the two of them. These days, it seemed he always knew the perfect thing to say to calm her down.

"I am. Plus, practice makes perfect," Derek grinned.

"Well," she said, animatedly, "It's not so much practice as it is…"

"Meredith?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up," Derek growled, before taking over her body, as they made love into the wee hours of the night.


	13. Chapter 13

"You ring, it, I'm holding the plant." Derek said.

"She's your mother, you ring the bell!" Meredith whispered urgently.

"Fine," Derek grumbled as he rang the buzzer to his mother and step-father's condo.

The door swung open, revealing a well dressed older woman and her husband, through the hallway, they could both see a well appointed space with hardwood floor and plenty of light.  
"Derek, Meredith, come right in." Claudia said, as she kissed her son on the cheek. She left a lipstick mark, and so used her thumb to wipe away at it. "Your sisters are already here, well Caryn and Mary are. Kathleen and Nancy can't make it."

Derek's brow furrowed, "Other plans? I live three thousand miles away…"

"You can't just expect them to drop things just because you decided to pop in for a visit, Derek. They're busy, you know that," Claudia said, shrugging off Derek's annoyed look. She offered a hand to Meredith, "Meredith, I'm Claudia Collins, Derek's mother. This is my husband, Henry."

"Mrs. Collins, Mr. Collins," Meredith greeted, shaking each of their hands. "Nice to meet you both. I'm glad we were able to stop over on the way back from Boston, "she replied, lying through her teeth.

"Call me Henry, all the girls do," Henry said warmly. He knew what it was like to be an outsider with the Shepherd women, and wanted Meredith to feel comfortable. "What can I get you to drink?"

"Um…just some water would be good," she replied.

"How about you, champ?" Henry asked Derek. He was a nice enough man, retired from the business world, having done well for himself. Claudia and Henry never had their own children, so he did the best he could with the Shepherds. He wasn't Derek's father though, and often overcompensated for that.

"Scotch," Derek said, slightly annoyed by Henry's nickname.

The introductions continued, with Caryn and Mary, Derek's oldest and youngest sisters, respectively, though their husbands had each stayed home. The group was cordial, a little uppity, but more an air of refinement than anything else. They moved to the dining room, for a perfectly nice meal. Meredith was starting to wonder what it was that Derek took issue with, until it began.

"Mark tells me you're finally building that house you wanted," Claudia said to Derek, eyeing him a bit.

"Yeah, Meredith and I designed it, and it should be done in a few months, actually," he said, taking a bite of his dinner.

"Oh…" she paused. "Then you're actually staying out there…in Seattle."

"I live there, mom, of course I'm staying out there."

Caryn was taken aback, "Wow. That's great, I guess. I think we all just expected you to move back east eventually."

"No, I like it out there," Derek shrugged, grabbing Meredith's hand and smiling at her. "We like it there. It suits us."

"Nancy showed us pictures of the trailer, Derek. It's not exactly your old brownstone. You're in the middle of nowhere." Mary couldn't understand what could be better than a house that was right by Central Park, with every amenity at his fingertips. That was the brother she remembered.

"Exactly," he quipped, until calm came across his face as he pictured their land. "There's fresh air, open space, I can go fishing any time I want. It's…it's really peaceful out there. It's home."

"I don't understand," Caryn said. "You loved New York. You and Addison, you had the house, the practice, the cars. You had everything. I still don't understand why you gave all of that up. Addison? Fine. But the rest of it? Why work so hard if you can't have those things?"

"I didn't have Meredith," he smiled.

"Hmmm," Claudia said with a bit of sadness, considering the implications. She had always assumed that going to Seattle was a reaction to Addison. New York was where they grew up, where the whole family was. The possibility that she would see even less of her son hit her hard.

"Mom…" Derek said gently, realizing that she was not happy with him.

"No, Derek. That's wonderful, really. You have a life out there, and we'll see you when we see you, I guess," Claudia said, removing emotion from her voice.

"You can come and visit us too, you know," Derek said, trying to play the part of the good son in the face of her frustration.

"I know, it's just hard, not having you here. Life goes on, I suppose," Claudia said, collecting herself. "Anyhow, back to this house of yours. I assume you two will be getting married soon, or were you not planning on telling me about that either?"

Derek snuck a look at Meredith. His eyes said, _See what I mean?_. "We're going to, eventually, but we needed to get started on the house first."

"Wait," Mary stopped him. "So you're building a house together, but you aren't even engaged?"

"We're just taking our time. We're together and don't want to rush an engagement." Meredith weighed in. She shifted uncomfortably, feeling like she had to defend their relationship all of a sudden.

"I think that's marvelous," Henry added, hoping to calm the frazzled nerves at the table. "I'm sure the house will be great."

They all chewed their food in awkward silence for a few minutes until Mary came up with a new topic. "I heard that Sara Jacobs is pregnant again. It's her third."

Derek leaned to Meredith and explained that Sarah was an old neighborhood friend and replied, "That's good news. I hadn't heard about that. We just found out that Meredith's old roommate is pregnant, actually."

"It must be in the air," Claudia said.

"Have you two talked about kids? I mean, I know Derek has talked about having a family ever since there were nieces and nephews to hold," Caryn added, looking at Meredith. She knew that Addison hadn't wanted kids, and wanted to make sure that Derek didn't make the same mistake again. Then again, she wasn't sure if she really knew her brother these days.

"I…um…we've talked about it," she nodded nervously.

"When the time is right, it will happen." Derek squeezed her hand, smiling while taking a bite of his food.

"When will the time be right?" Mary asked. She was starting to tire of this new Derek, this man who looked like her brother, but talked about nature and peace. Where was the hot-shot cocky go-getter? Where was the fun guy who let her take him to Barneys and dress him in the latest from Versace when her husband tired of it?

Meredith tensed up as Derek nearly choked on his food. "We…I…what kind of question is that, Mary?"

"Listen. I'm sure you are very nice, Meredith, but Derek, what's gotten into you? You don't call, you never come see us, and now…you're just different. I barely recognize you, your nieces and nephews certainly don't."

"ENOUGH!" Claudia said as she slammed her palms on the counter. "Derek, come help me with the dishes."

Derek looked at Meredith, tired of this ordeal, and kissed her on the cheek as he got up to follow his mother. "I'm sorry about all of this," he murmured low enough for her ears alone.  
Derek cleared the table, bringing things into the kitchen where his mother had started scrubbing the plates.

"Your sisters miss you, Derek," she said softly, not looking at her son.

"I miss them too, mom. But my life…my home, everything is in Seattle now. I'm not in private practice anymore. I'm the head of the department, an attending. I can't just come and go as I please." Derek was exhausted after an entire night of defending the choices he had made.

"Yes, but you have to understand. It's hard on all of us, you not being here." Claudia glanced up at her son, blinking back slight tears.

"But I'm happy mom. I'm finally doing things because I want to, not because someone expects me to. Meredith, she's…she's amazing, and for the first time since…" he drifted off, staring at his feet.

"He'd be very proud of you, doing this. As much as it pains me not to see you, and it does, he just wanted you kids to do what your heart told you. We never got the chance, so if this feels right," she said, placing a hand over Derek's heart. "that's what you need to do."

"I'm trying mom, I'm really trying to do the right thing."

"Mmmm," she agreed, in a familiar Shepherd tone.

Derek had taken a seat at the kitchen table, where he was now running his hands roughly through his hair. "I wish he were here."

Claudia stopped washing dishes and turned to look at her son. He never spoke about his father, ever. She walked over and hugged him the way only a mother can comfort her child. "I know. It's okay, I do too."

Derek had left her alone. Alone with two of his four very annoying sisters, as he had once put it. Henry had gone to the study to read a bit, wanting to let the girls have some time of their own. They were forward, that's for sure, but she kind of got where they were coming from. He left. One day he was there and then he got his ego hurt and he just…left. She understood why they got under Derek's skin, but she was going to try, because one day, they'd be her sisters too. It wasn't like she had any clue what to say though, so she took a page from Izzie's book of advice.

"Derek mentioned all the nieces and nephews he has. Which kids are yours?"

"Well, Davis and I have two girls, Vanessa and Stefanie, and two boys, Jonas and Charlie. They are," Caryn paused to think, " 22, 20, 17 and 15."

"My son, Andrew, is 10, and the twins, Kara and Anna, are 8….going on 30." Mary laughed. "They think they know everything, just like their Uncle."

"I know he's tough sometimes, but he does miss them, all of you," Meredith said, tentatively. She wasn't sure if she should be saying that, and it was true, but even Derek deserved a family – whether he liked them or not. "It's one of the first things that I learned about him, that he comes from a big family."

"What about you, Meredith. No offense, but we've only heard bits and pieces about you, and…well, mostly from Addison," Caryn admitted.

Meredith bit her bottom lip. Of course they didn't know much about her. This could take a while…

"Well, I was an only child until about a year or so ago."

Mary didn't quite follow. "Your dad have some young girlfriend or something?"

"Not exactly. My parents got divorced when I was very young, and my mom and I moved from Seattle to Boston. I never knew my dad, or his family. Turns out, I actually have two half sisters. One of them works at the hospital with Derek and me, actually."

"Wow, well, that's not incredibly awkward, is it?" Mary said, sharing a laugh with other women at the table.

"You adjust. That's for sure," Meredith half-smiled.

The sisters began to warm up to Meredith. She wasn't Addison, who they had adored. But Meredith had something else, a boldness perhaps. She wasn't hung up on what others expected of her, and seemed to just live her life. Listening to her tell stories about her and Derek gave them insight into their brother. It wasn't that he had changed. He wasn't the same man from New York, but maybe it was who he had been all along. They still didn't quite get the appeal of the life he was leading, but through Meredith's eyes, they at least accepted that it was what worked for Derek.

Claudia and Derek had gotten dessert ready in the kitchen, and made their way back to the table. It was entirely possible, he thought, that his sisters could eat Meredith alive. He hoped that she'd still be speaking to him after being alone with the 'Bitches of Eastchester,' as he often called them to Mark. What he found was surprising though: three women laughing, and upon seeing Derek, laughing even harder.

Derek surveyed the table with his eyes as he sat back down next to Meredith, kissing her cheek. "You okay?" he whispered to her.

"Oh yes," she giggled back. "I have some choice stories to ask you about sometime, mister. How about you, you survive?"

Derek rolled his eyes thinking about any of the stories his sisters could tell about him. "I survived."

Claudia called her husband back to the table as the group shared conversation before calling it a night. It wasn't perfect, and it wasn't awful. It was just family, and Derek did actually love them, as nosy and imposing as they could be at times.

Meredith and Derek started towards the door with Claudia, having kissed Mary, Caryn and Henry goodbye.

"Thanks for coming to see us Derek, you too Meredith. They may not show it, but I know your sisters appreciated seeing you."

"It was," Derek smirked, "an experience as always. It was good seeing you Mom. Come out to Seattle sometime, Mark could use some torturing too." He placed a kiss on her cheek and then pulled her in for a strong hug. He was glad to have talked with her, and even if he didn't say it, would miss them all."

"We'll see," she smiled, and kissing them each, said goodbye.

The couple made their way to their hotel and after washing up, got into bed. "What did my sisters tell you about me?" Derek said, dreading an answer.

"Oh, there may have been some mention of wanting to go to clown college," Meredith laughed.

"God…I will never _ever_ live that down. I was good with juggling things and it seemed fun," he sighed, both amused and embarrassed.

"You okay? I mean, I get it. I can see why it's hard for you, to be there. They were expecting to see someone else."

"Yeah…I lived a very different life back here."

"Do you miss it?"

"Do I miss…the life?"

"Well, any of it. Having whatever you want right outside your door, the high life."

"I miss…I miss having the family here. But I don't want the family on their terms, I want our family, the one we're building," Derek said as he laced his fingers with Meredith's. "I miss that we'd all get together and torture each other, and the life that my dad was trying to set up for all of us. But not for one second do I regret being in Seattle. It's who I am, finally."

Meredith smiled at him, snuggling into his warm body. "We have a family out there, Mark, Lexie, my friends, well, our friends now. They can be our family."

"And kids?" Derek asked again, hopeful, in spite of Meredith's freak out earlier in the week.

"And kids. Maybe not as many as your sisters have, but kids."

"Thanks for coming with me tonight, Meredith."

"I love you, Derek. Get some sleep."

"Love you too."


	14. Chapter 14

Meredith had the early shift upon coming back to Seattle. Her interns had been scattered about to other residents, and she needed to meet with them to get caught up. It made sense, therefore, to say at Meredith's house for the night. They would be able to check out the house later that night.

Derek made his way into the familiar halls of Seattle Grace, stopping first at the Chief's office, where Mark temporarily sat. He didn't even bother knocking as he flashed his cocky smile at Patricia and barged right in. He sat down in the chair across from Mark, throwing a foot over his knee, his hands behind his head.

"I'm back, can I have my office now?"

"You have an office…" Mark muttered, knowing where this was headed.

"I know I do, and _you_ are in my chair."

"You snooze, you lose, my friend," he replied, smugly shuffling some paperwork. "I see you survived New York…"

"We did," Derek nodded.

"Have you been by your _actual_ office yet? Simons was in there while you were out, so hopefully he moved his ass out of there."

"I was just headed that way, actually."

"I have to go check on the OR board, so I'll walk down there with you."

"Ahh, the joys of being Chief," Derek said, slapping Mark on the back as they walked down the hall.

"You want the job? Take it, it's yours, at least until Richard comes back next week," Mark said eagerly. The cache of Chief was great, but he was tired of the isolation that came with it.

"Ohhhh no. " Derek laughed, putting his hands up in surrender, "that privilege is all yours." When Meredith had asked him if he wanted to be chief, he honestly wasn't sure. But in these last weeks, it had become clear that what made him happy was not a title, but the action of physically saving lives. Going to Boston gave him the perspective that he had so dearly longed for.

They made their way to Derek's office and sat down, Derek in his chair, Mark on the couch. The office was slightly rearranged which caused Derek to grunt disapprovingly. "So, how's that leaf turning treating you?"

"No time to turn leaves. Though I got a few numbers at the bar when I told some women I was Chief of Surgery."

"Poor Mark, all alone," Derek mocked.

"We can't all have domestic bliss like you and Grey."

The men continued their conversation while down the hall Meredith had finally found George, who she was hoping could give her the latest scoop on her house.

"There you are! I've been looking for you all morning," Meredith said.

"Meredith! Welcome back," he said, hugging her. "How was Boston?"

"Actually, it was pretty amazing," she beamed. "We were able to replicate our findings, and better than that?"

"Yeah?"

"I survived the Shepherds…the Collins…whatever their names are."

"That's great! I mean, the work stuff and the family stuff. It's been pretty quiet here without you guys." George meant it too. Meredith was like the glue that held them all together. Without her around, not much had happened, and as dysfunctional their group was, he missed it.

"We stayed at my place, so we haven't been by the house since coming back. How is it?"

"I can't believe how fast it's coming together, Mer. Oh, that reminds me. I couldn't get a hold of you last week when the contractor had a question, so I called up Dr. Shepherd."

Meredith was puzzled, Derek hadn't mentioned anything about a problem with the house. "Oh, was everything cleared up?"

"Yeah. It wasn't a big deal, I guess that he didn't have down if you picked the mahogany or the oak flooring."

"Oh, so Derek said oak, right?"

Now it was George's turn to be confused. "No, he was very clear, he said mahogany. Because I asked him, I said, 'Dr. Shepherd, are you sure, because they are going to be putting down the floor this week' and he said Mahogany."

Meredith's brow wrinkled as a frown crossed her face. This was something she and Derek had discussed. Why would he go and choose something she had expressly said she did not like? "Thanks George, I…uh gotta…I'll catch up with you later," she stammered as she made her way to Derek's office. Checking her watch, he should just be getting in.

She opened the door without knocking, and found Derek and Mark laughing, deep in conversation. Exasperatedly she screamed, "Mahogany? What the hell Derek?"

"You enjoy that domestic bliss, buddy," Mark chuckled as he excused himself.

"Crap." Derek said, closing the door, knowing he was snagged. "We talked about it. You liked the oak, but I wanted Mahogany."

"And we decided [i]oak[/i]," Meredith said, getting agitated.

"I don't see what the big deal is. So the floors are darker…"

"And I don't want darker floors."

"I can't believe we are fighting over this."

"So that's it? Fight's over because Derek Shepherd wants dark floor in _his_ house on _his _land? Glad to see that my opinion matters." They were back in Seattle, where Derek was King of Seattle Grace. All the ladies adored him, and all of the men wanted to be like him. It was a losing battle for Meredith.

"Meredith," Derek said, unsure of where to go next.

"No…we talked about this," she said as a quiet strength came out in her voice. "This is our house, you and me. And I get it, the color of the floor doesn't really matter. Except, this matters to me. This…it's a small detail, but you ignored it. You wanted something else, so you just chose it and hoped I wouldn't notice."

"I just think that the mahogany is going to look better in the end. And well, I've done this bef…" he trailed off.

"Finish your sentence," she challenged.

"No. I'm not…I didn't mean…"

"No Derek, you never mean…" She had coddled his ego. She had soothed his weary soul. Somehow though he knew better, because he had done this before. She shook her head and softly said, "I'll see you at the trailer tonight."

She started to mumble curses in her head, a few reaching her lips as she stormed off towards the nurses' station for a patient file. She didn't even notice Lexie as she barreled into her.

"Ow!" they each yelped as they smacked heads.

"Sorry, Lex, I was just…" Meredith's hands were flittering about as one came up to brush her hair out of her eyes. "In my own world or something."

"You okay? You look not okay," Lexie said with concern for her sister.

Meredith rolled her eyes thinking about how mad she was at Derek. "Mahogany floors."

"Oh yeah, I saw them when George and I went to check on things the other day. Don't they look great?"

Meredith's stare just deadpanned at Lexie.

"Or maybe not so great?" the younger Grey asked, biting her lip nervously as she realized that perhaps Meredith was not as amazed by the floor as she had been.

"No, not so great."

"So you saw it?"

"No, I haven't seen it, but," she said, trying to calm her frazzled nerves. "I didn't want mahogany, and stupid Derek told George stupid mahogany."

"You should go see it, Mer. Maybe you'll change your mind."

"Not the point."

"Oh," Lexie sighed, not quite sure of the point. She was getting better at reading Meredith. It seemed like the closer Meredith and Derek got, the easier it was to understand her. But now, something was blocking that. Meredith was pissed off, for sure, but why?

"We talked about this thing, well lots of things. He wanted the dark floor and I thought oak would look better. I don't even really care all that much, but he is a stupid man making stupid choices without me. It's a small thing, but I…ugh. Are all men this…" she tossed her hands about, searching for the right word.

"Stupid?" Lexie offered with a smile.

"Yeah!" Meredith exclaimed. She started to laugh with Lexie, realizing how _stupid_ she had been to just storm off without talking to Derek. She didn't want to fight over this. She just wanted him to get that he should have at least told her or talked to her about it. At least it wasn't a hidden wife, or a kissed nurse. His omissions were certainly getting less severe.  
After work, Meredith drove up to the house. It really was amazing how what had been white lines on a blue paper was now a freestanding structure. She stood outside for a moment, taking in the beauty of the wraparound porch, and the small stone detailing around the foundation. She opened the front door, and her breath was taken away, it was their home. She peeked around the kitchen and the living room, and then found herself in the great room that overlooked the cliff and valley below. She sat down with crossed legs, staring at the amazing color of the sky at dusk. Lights were flickering in the city below, and a peace washed over her. She ran her delicate fingers over the sleek wood. She shook her head realizing that the color was perfect. It didn't excuse his decision, but it was not worth holding a grudge over.

Derek pulled up to the trailer a few hours later, flowers in hand. He was never a man who brought flowers, they seemed cliché after a fight. Nonetheless, it was the least he could do to smooth things over. He would pay to have the floor pulled up and redone if that's what it took, even if it caused significant delays in progress. They needed to do this right. It wasn't that he was spiteful or meant to be dismissive, he just had thought for years about this house. He had imagined every detail, always imagining himself and Meredith in their home. He was used to making command decisions, so when George had asked him about the floor, the words just came out. Perhaps that was the lesson he was learning, that sometimes being right didn't necessarily equate getting your way.

There was a lone light over the desk inside, with a note that simply said, 'meet me at home'. He smiled warmly as he picked up the note to look at the softness of her writing. It wasn't scribbled in haste, but in her best cursive. He walked out onto the trailer porch and frowned for a moment, as he realized the folding table and chairs were missing. He hoped that none of the workers had helped themselves to furniture while they had been away. Taking a deep breath, he walked up the now worn dirt path that took him to the house. As he quietly climbed the steps, his heart stopped beating as he looked at the amazing scene in the dining room. Meredith was there, setting the table from the porch. She had made a candlelight dinner for two with wine…and sandwiches.

He came up behind her, and wrapped one arm around her waist, the other bringing the flowers in front of her. The solemn look on his face let her know that he was taking this seriously, even as he kissed her neck.

"I'm sorry Meredith. I shouldn't have just changed what we talked about."

"It's not just that Derek. If this was a big deal to you, you could have told me. I mean, if you've…" she swallowed, "done this before, then I'll listen. I haven't you know…done this, so I'll listen."

Derek cocked an eyebrow in disbelief.

"I would!" she said, her giggling giving her away. They both knew that their roles in this fight could easily have been reversed. In the end, she was just as stubborn and sneaky as he was sometimes. It was her idea, after all, to do Beth's surgery and not tell the chief.

"Mmmhmmm," he murmured. "Listen, you said something today."

"I said a few things…you're going to have to be more specific," she said, thinking of all of the names she had called him in her head after she stormed out.

"You mentioned that it was my house and my land. And you were right."

"Oh, well that's great Derek. Glad we cleared that up," she spat, not meeting his glance. She began to stand up from the table, when Derek put a hand over hers to get her to stop. With his other hand, he reached into his briefcase and pulled out legal sized papers that had flagged tabs for signatures. Meredith looked confusedly over at Derek before turning her attention back to the document in front of her. As her frown turned into a grin, Derek knew she had gotten to the important part. "It's the deed to your land, Derek."

"Our land. Well, once you sign, it will be," he said, tapping the side of a pen against the line that bore her printed name underneath. "I should have done this a while ago. This is our land, Meredith. If you don't want it, then I don't want it either. This land without us is just space, with you…well….it's home." With that he tilted his head with a grin, her own smile matching his. She snatched the pen out of his hand and then held the tip to the paper, hesitating for just a moment before signing. It wouldn't be Meredith if she didn't take a moment to pause and consider what that signature meant.

Meredith placed the pen down and smiled, looking deep into Derek's eyes. She whispered, "Our land?"

"Our land." He was sure she'd sign, but every now and then, he wondered if he would do too much and push her away. He sighed in relief knowing that they were in this together, leaning in for a tender kiss. "Show me the rest of our house after dinner?"

Her eyes sparkled with delight, it was their house, on their land.

* * *

"You made dinner…" Derek noted, laying on an aerobed with Meredith the next morning. He ran a lazy hand up and down her arm as he spooned her.

"I made sandwiches," she shrugged, though hoping he had liked it. "The kitchen isn't all hooked up yet so, I didn't want to make something warm over at the trailer and then bring it over here, since I didn't know when you'd be home and there's also the fact that we worked so hard to get this house that it would be a shame if everything were connected and then I burnt the house down."

"Have you ever thought about cooking classes?" Meredith gave Derek a dismissive look. She was a surgeon, not a chef. "I mean, it isn't like at your place where you can order take out. I'd even take it with you."

"But you know how to cook."

"Think of it as me being your sous chef, or your intern," he grinned, making cooking seem almost fun to her.

"Yeah, I think I'll just stop off at the store and pick stuff up once the house is done…or stick to sandwiches."

"How did you survive growing up without some sort of nutritional disorder?" he laughed, feeling the bed jiggle a bit.

Meredith flopped over, turning to face Derek. "Hey, no judging. I'm in perfectly good health."

"I'll say," Derek saucily replied, thinking of the makeup sex they had after their non-fight last night. "I never thought sex on an aerobed would be so challenging."

"It was like having sex on a moonbounce!"

"You've had sex on a moonbounce?"

"Well, no. But I imagine it would be similar." They both laughed as Derek captured her, sending them both crashing to the hardwood floor.

"Ow."

"I'm sorry I suggested the wood floor, clearly our bedroom should have had carpeting."


	15. Chapter 15

The two gathered up all of their things and made their way back down to the trailer to get ready for work. It was so different, not having the trial any more. Derek was still technically the lead investigator, but the Chief had said before they left that the day to day work would be left to the research team at the hospital. He was far too valuable as the department head to let him devote all his time to the trial. It was an adjustment, not working side by side with Meredith each day, but they were each coping.

Derek was catching up with all of the other neurosurgeons on the cases they had on their plates. Meredith was on a rotation with Erica Hahn in cardio. He hoped that she would choose neuro as a specialty, but wouldn't be surprised if she chose to pursue general surgery, like her mother. He did get to drive in with her most days. He got to set the schedule, so aside from some overnight shifts, or when one of them needed to do errands, they worked around the same times.

"Dr. O'Malley, looks like you're on my service today," Derek said, greeting George.

George wasn't sure what happened yesterday, and was apprehensive about working in neuro because of it. "Yeah, Dr. Shepherd," he said, eyeballing him.

"You didn't do anything wrong George, it's all alright. Meredith and I are fine." He had come to appreciate the protection that Meredith's friends offered. Though he had put her through hell, he truly believed that she had never really been alone. "I'm glad you told her, I should have said something sooner."

"Oh…well…yeah, I mean…you said…and then Meredith said…so…pfff," he said, waving a hand in front of his face, "it's all good."

"'It's all good', O'Malley?" Derek said, wincing at the younger man's awkward words.

"Yeah, I'm done," George said sheepishly.

"Okay good, so we have a case coming in today that's being transferred from Mercy West. He's up in 2614. Have one of your interns run some labs, and we'll be working on the lumbar fracture later today if everything looks good."

George scribbled down notes and went off to find his interns, happy to have finally reached resident status.

"Know what the best thing about being Chief is?" Derek heard a familiar voice call.

"What?" he asked, ready for a smartass remark.

"Don't need to deal with interns," Mark proudly said.

"What are you talking about, you need to deal with the entire staff."

"Not if you make their residents deal with their whiny asses," he replied, sipping his bone dry cappuccino. "You still in the doghouse?"

"No, we talked, we're fine."

"Fine or actually fine?"

"We're good, seriously."

"Thank god," Mark sighed in relief. "I don't think any of us could deal with another one of your famous breakups."

"Don't worry, not going to be one. We just need to get the last parts of the house done and get everything moved out of Meredith's place," Derek grinned. He was like the Cheshire cat.

"What are you hiding?"

"Nothing," Derek said, trying to hide his excitement.

"Liar."

"We're trying."

"Trying?"

"For kids…"

"You and Grey?"

"No, me and Torres. Yes me and Meredith."

"You guys aren't even engaged."

"Don't think that's a requirement for pregnancy."

"I know you think that Meredith is a 180 degree turn from Addie, and she is, but don't kid yourself, she's still a chick."

"Hmmm."

"You may want to think about that."

"She seemed to be okay with it."

"It's your funeral, man." Mark said, slapping Derek's back as he made his way back up to his office. Was Meredith looking for something more and not saying it? He wasn't going to do this guessing game though, he was going to talk to the friends who knew her best. He knew he had to talk to Meredith, but he was pretty sure that she'd likely just tell him that she didn't need fancy rings or anything showy. She wore her Claddagh ring every day, except when she was in surgery. She signed the deed, and the land belonged to both of them now. They were trying to start a family. He was going to ask her directly that night, but first he wanted to get Cristina's read on the situation. At a minimum, it would cancel out Mark's commentary.

Cristina was her person, and they had been cordial with one another since he and Meredith had finally made this work. This was a new level, he was asking her for a favor, for information that he didn't have. It wasn't that he didn't want to ask Meredith, far from it. If he asked her if she was ready to be engaged, and she said no, he would be fine. They were together, there was no one else, and he wasn't letting that get to him. If she said yes, however, then that would kill some of the romance, and he loved the romance.

"Doctor Yang," Derek called as he saw Cristina filling out paperwork against a counter.

"Doctor Shepherd."

"How are you today?"

Cristina replied with a raised eyebrow. He had that look, the McDreamy look, which meant he wanted something. "Something I can help you with?"

"Actually, you can, well maybe you can. Can I buy you lunch?"

"Oh, you really must have done something bad."

"What? I can't buy you lunch? You're my girlfriend's friend. I should be able to treat Meredith's friends to a meal now and then." He was laying the charm on, and they both knew it. The question was, who would crack first?

"Yeahhuh," she snorted with a slight smile. "Fine. I'm starved anyway."

They made their way to the food cart, grabbing some sandwiches before making their way to a bench. Neither one particularly felt the need to look the other in the eye. They were each close with Meredith, sharing their deepest secrets and fears. That meant that as Meredith grew, both Derek and Cristina would be more vulnerable, and Derek and Cristina didn't do vulnerable around each other.

"Well played with the floor," Cristina acknowledged. She didn't know why Meredith had made a big deal about it in the first place. If it was her place, she wouldn't even be able to see the floor.

"Well, so long as Meredith's happy, that's all that matters," he said, beginning to lead into his question.

Cristina turned to look at Derek for a moment. "We have lines…this? Dangerously close to the line."

"You're very funny with your rules."

"You're very funny with your sucking up to me."

Derek chose to ignore Cristina's remark, and instead dove in. "Does Meredith ever talk about wanting to get engaged?"

"Right for the jugular," she said, as if she were evaluating his conversational style. "Okay. We've talked about it."

"And?"

She had him in perfect position now, if there was anyone who could manipulate a situation in her favor, it was Cristina. She turned fully sideways now, a smug smile playing across her face. "What's it worth to ya?"

"You're willing to stake Meredith's happiness on blackmail?" Derek said in amusement.

"Damn right. Whatcha got, brain man?"

"Surgery?" Derek asked, not sure if this was what she was hinting towards.

"Um, yeah," she said, as if there were no other answer possible.

"I could use an extra pair of hands on an embollectomy next week," Derek offered.

"Do I look like an intern? Come on, you can do better than that."

"I…" he paused; she really was going to blackmail him. At least she was a good surgeon, so it wasn't as if he would lose anything by having her scrub in. "I have a hemispherectomy in about 45 minutes if you want to scrub in."

"Sold," she chuckled. It was like taking candy from a baby.

"And?"

"I don't know. She didn't really say." Derek's face showed that he was less than amused with her response. She wanted to help though, since it was for Meredith. "Oh, don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm grabbing a drink with her after work. For you? I will ask." Cristina smiled at her own benevolence.

"I'm going to talk to her about it, but I just…you're her best friend. If it's something she doesn't want, I don't want to push her. I'm not avoiding asking her, I just…you know how she gets with this stuff."

Cristina's face changed to one of understanding. She saw Meredith struggle with loving Derek. Not even knowing his side of things, Cristina knew that it was a difficult road that Meredith walked to allow anyone to love her. "Yeah, I know."

"Thanks, Cristina. So you know, I'm okay with her answer either way. It's just that if she does want it, I don't want to ruin any romance by talking it to death first."

"Okay, this ego-free McDreamy stuff? Creeping me out a little…and you're welcome."

"It's been a pleasure doing business with you. See you in OR3, Dr. Yang," he shook his head as he got up and made his way back inside the hospital

"Dr. Shepherd," she nodded, leaning back against the bench, stretching her legs out in satisfaction.

* * *

  
Hours later, Cristina strolled into the bar where Meredith had just arrived.

"Joe, can we have two beers?" Cristina called as she sat down.

"You look like hell," Meredith said, with a slight smirk. She knew that Cristina had scrubbed in on one of Derek's surgeries that day, and they were painstakingly detailed and exhausting.

"You know…your boyfriend needs to find a new specialty," she moaned, as the bartender placed a pint of beer in front of each woman. "Thanks Joe." Cristina stretched her arms out above her. That was the problem with the brain, limited movements. The heart was much more active.

"Oh he does?" Meredith laughed.

"It's a pain in the ass," she said, knowing full and well that she had nothing but respect for Derek as a surgeon. It was just that cardiothoracics was so much cooler. " Speaking of asses, how was Hahn?" she asked, a bit of professional jealousy creeping into her voice.

"It was _great_." Meredith smiled an evil grin as her eyes went wide. She knew just how to get Cristina riled up. "I got to help on a thoracotomy with an intercostal muscle flap."

"Damn. I so should have been able to get in on that."

"Hahn said I showed the most promise in cardio of any resident she's worked with," Meredith said, trying to keep a straight face.

"WHAT?" Cristina yelped a bit too loud before lowering her voice. "What? No, she's delusional. You? You're good, fine. Me? I am excellent. She didn't say that."

"No, she didn't" Meredith admitted, laughing. "But it was fun to watch your face."

"You're a real bitch," Cristina said, letting out her held breath, relieved that she was still number one.

"You love me," Meredith replied, scrunching her nose.

Revenge would be sweet, Cristina thought as she tossed a peanut in the air, catching it in her mouth. "Shepherd wants me to ask you if you want to get engaged."

It was Meredith's turn to look confused. "What? When did he say that? Did he say that in surgery? Why did he ask you?"

"The two of you, I swear," Cristina said exasperatedly. "He's not asking you, not unless you want to be asked, and he said he's going to talk to you about it."

"So why do you know all of this?"

Cristina rolled her eyes. It isn't that she didn't like romantic gestures, but it wasn't in her character to be party to them. It was easier to just make a quick remark. But she wasn't Derek or Meredith, and they for some reason, loved it. "Fine. He doesn't want to spoil anything if you want to get engaged."

"So he asked you to ask me?" Now Meredith was just amused, thinking of how awkward the conversation between her two best friends must have been. "Did he pass you a note in class and ask if I wanted to go steady?"

"I should have gotten a better surgery to put up with you two," Cristina said, wishing her beer were something stronger right in that moment.

"He gave you a surgery to ask me?" Meredith was full on cackling at this point. "You blackmailed him?"

"I prefer to think of it as equitable barter. Anyway, answer the damned question, I need a new topic of conversation."

"Tell him yes. It doesn't need to be now, but it can be whenever he's ready. I…I think I'm ready."

"Thank god. You're building a house with the guy, I sure hope you're ready."

Meredith wrapped an arm around her friend and squeezed. "Thanks, Cris."

Cristina tilted her head onto Meredith's, "We agreed, no hugging."

"Shut up. You're my person."

* * *

Derek had finished work and gone back to Meredith's house. Since she would be with Cristina that night, he figured it would be easier for her to just sleep closer to work. Cristina had gone out with Meredith and would somehow slip in a conversation about getting married. He had to kill some time, and sitting alone with his thoughts wouldn't really be the best choice, under the circumstances. Mark was in surgery, so that wasn't an option. He walked into the living room and noticed Alex on the couch watching TV, and shrugged to himself, figuring he was a decent guy.

"Hey Karev."

"Oh, Dr. Shepherd, hey," Alex nodded. He had worked hard on getting back to reality after Rebecca had been committed. He was the same evil spawn Alex, but maybe a little less evil.

"One of these days, I will get all of you to call me Derek or at worst Shepherd or Shep when we're outside of the hospital." Derek was still standing, taking off his jacket, and laying it over the back of a chair. "Can I get you a beer?"

"Sure, uh, thanks," Alex said, not looking up, he was too engrossed in the show he was watching.

Derek came back with two bottles of beer and sat down on the other side of the couch. He looked at the TV and then at Alex, and incredulously asked, "Are you actually watching one of those extreme makeover shows?"

Alex, without shame, sipped his beer and explained, "Better than any sitcom on these days. You should see some of the hack jobs these guys do. I'm only a resident and I could do a better nose job than that." He pointed the neck of the bottle towards the set to emphasize his point.

Accepting his answer, Derek just laughed and drank his beer. The two men watching the show until the commercial break.

"You still going into plastics then?"

"Not sure, I may go into OB."

"Those are two pretty different specialties."

"Yeah well, I'm considering my options. How'd you decide?"

Derek thought for a second and then replied simply, "it just felt right, felt natural."

Alex pondered the advice for a moment, taking it in. He then returned with some advice of his own.

"We don't usually talk or anything, but fair warning, I was a wrestler in college."

"Okay…" Derek said, unsure of where this was going.

"I'm just saying, she's like a sister to me. You break her heart again, I'll kick your ass. I will kill you and make it look like an accident."

"A wrestling accident? Really?" Derek laughed, until he noticed just how serious Alex was. It was the same thing he would have said to the suitor of any one of his sisters. He solemnly said, "Trust me. I know how lucky I am. I'm glad she has friends that look out for her."

"I get her, you know? We have kinda similar stories is all. She's tough, but in the end, she just wants the same things that any chick wants."

"I'm finally learning that," he nodded.

"Okay, enough chick talk. I have my show on," Alex said, his bravado taking over.

"Your chick show?"

Alex just shot Derek a glare, but both men laughed and sat back, relaxing.

A few hours later, Meredith walked in, noticing that Derek and Alex were engrossed in some reality television show. She bit both lips and brought a hand to her face to keep from laughing hysterically at the sight in front of her.

Derek heard a muffled giggle and turned his head towards the beautiful sound. He raised his brows in greeting. "Hey, wanna head up to bed?"

Meredith nodded quickly, still fighting off giggles.

"Night, Karev."

"Night Shepherd, night Mer," Alex said, raising his beer, still fascinated by the program.

They made their way up to the bedroom, and began eyeballing one another. He knew that Cristina had talked to her, given the text he had gotten about an hour ago. Meredith knew that Derek had asked Cristina to ask her, so she knew he knew her answer. Still, neither one of them was talking, because talking meant acknowledging that she knew that he knew, and once that conversation started, that was it, an engagement would be coming.

Meredith flashed a grin with narrow eyes at Derek.

Derek did the same back with a nod.

Meredith snickered.

Derek pursed his lips tight, stifling a laugh.

And then it was all over. They both blew up into fits of laughter.

"She…oh…she extorted me for surgery…." Derek guffawed, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

"Oh my god…you should have seen her face…it was priceless. She just blurted out the question…you…" she coughed, trying to catch her breath "you should ask for that surgery back."

Their laughter began to subside as they made their way under the covers, a giggle from Meredith and a chuckle from Derek every few moments. Finally their breathing came into sync as Meredith rested her head on his chest.

"I was going to talk to you about it," he said, running his hand through her hair.

"She said you wanted to…"

"I didn't, I don't want to rush you."

"Thank you," she said, planting a sweet kiss on his chin.

"So you want to be engaged?"

"Do you?"

"I asked you first."

"Hmm, maybe you _were_ passing Cristina notes in class," she said, mocking his juvenile answer. "I don't want anyone else. But Derek?"

"Hmm?"

"Nothing too over the top, okay? I know how you get."

"So I should cancel the multiple horse drawn carriage that would parade around the parking lot?" he joked.

"You are impossible. Go to bed," she yawned, shaking her head.


	16. Chapter 16

Derek was out of the shower, and had pulled on khaki pants. His chest was exposed to the morning air as Meredith yawned from bed, admiring the fine piece of work in front of her. Adele and Richard had invited him over for breakfast. They hadn't specifically invited or not invited Meredith, but she had to work anyhow, and had opted to not make a fuss over it. She had mended her relationship with the Chief long ago, but she always felt a little awkward around his wife. There was something about being the child of "the other woman" that made seeing her slightly uncomfortable.

"Since you're off today, and I have to work, do you think you could make dinner?" Meredith mugged sweetly to her boyfriend.

"As opposed to all the other nights where you do the cooking?" he laughed, putting on deodorant.

"Ha ha," she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"Yes, I will make you dinner."

"Thank you," she said with a quick kiss, sending him on his way. "Go on, you're gonna be late."

It was months after they had arrived back at Seattle Grace. Meredith still wasn't pregnant and the Chief still hadn't returned to work. Mark had continued to serve as interim chief but was increasingly weary from the position's demands. He ran a hand through his hair, wondering why he had been invited over. They had socialized occasionally outside of work, and he and Meredith had gone over to visit Richard at home a few times during his convalescence. Something in his tone though let him know that this was more than a social visit.

He pulled up to the familiar white house and picket fence, admiring the amazing landscaping that the couple had done. Adele opened the door and welcomed Derek in with open arms.

"Thank you so much for coming over, Derek. Richard and I are so glad you could make it," the woman said with her melodious voice. She led him inside, walking him to their kitchen, talking to him the whole way. "How is your house coming, it should be done soon, I would think?"

"Actually yes, they are finishing up some items on the punch list and we're having the movers come next week. It's really beautiful, you and Richard should come up and see it soon."

"What am I doing?" Richard asked from the hall, standing up and walking over to greet his colleague. "Derek, thanks for coming. Quite the change for us to make you breakfast."

"Yeah," Derek said sharply, but with a joking tone. Neither men wanted to go back to their bachelor trailer lives. "How are you feeling?"

Richard looked better than he had, but the illness had still taken its toll. He moved a bit slower, making sure to breathe, a bit more deliberately. "Dr. Hahn says that I've got a great deal of function back, given the damage that was done. Considering the circumstances, I'm in pretty good shape."

"He's only in good shape because _I_ am not letting him kill himself with junk food anymore," Adele piped in, bringing over granola, fruit, and yogurt to the table.

"What, no fresh cod?" Derek laughed. "No, this is perfect Adele, thank you."

"Of course," she said.

"Sloan tells me that your house is almost done," Richard started.

"Yeah, I was telling Adele, we're almost ready to move in. We should be having a housewarming party by the end of the month."

"That's great. It would have been such a shame for you to sell that land."

Derek nodded in agreement. It would have been a shame for so many reasons. "We're really happy with how it turned out. We have everything we could ever need. It's perfect."

"I'm sure it is, dear," Adele said, proud of all his hard work. "Does Meredith like it?"

Derek knew of Meredith's concern for Adele's feelings, but in that moment, he could tell that there was no animosity felt by her. "She does," he nodded, unable to keep a large grin from spreading across his face at the mention of her name. "It will be great to finally be able to enjoy our home…together."

Both Adele and Richard's eyes were now on Derek, almost staring. He brought his spoon up to his mouth, but feeling the weight of four eyes caused him to put it back down. "Did I say something?"

"I have something I need to talk to you about Derek." Richard said, seriously.

"Okay," he replied, his eyes flicking back to Adele in hopes for a clue, but she looked as serious as he did. "Is everything alright?"

"Yes, yes. Well, it will be. I've decided not to return to my position at the hospital. I'm retiring."

"What?" Derek asked in surprise, placing his hands down as he leaned back a bit. He didn't know what he had expected the Chief to say, but it certainly had not been that.

"Now listen, I know that last time you weren't ready to accept the position, but I am asking you to reconsider. Your leadership out in Boston had everyone sit up and take notice. You did more for the prestige of this hospital than anyone else in a long time…"

"Richard…" Derek protested, shaking his head no.

"Derek, this is your chance. Now, I have time to give you before I go back to the board with your decision. Dr. Sloan is doing a fine job as interim chief for now, so there isn't a huge urgency, but they don't want him permanently. I know he's your friend Derek, but I need you to consider this for yourself and your career. Today is…" he glanced at his watch, "Friday. Now you can have until Tuesday morning, but that's it."

Derek nodded his understanding of the directive, and tried to grasp the enormity of this. Once again, being chief was in his grasp, but so much had changed. He wasn't facing a life alone, he had Meredith. And Mark, how was he going to handle the situation, knowing that Mark would not be in the running if he turned it down. As they ate breakfast, engaging in only light conversation from there out, Derek was distracted at best.

After their meal, Adele walked Derek to the door. Sensing his apprehension, she decided to speak her mind. "You'll make the right decision. Just make the right one for you…and for her," she said, her eyebrows reminding him that he was not the only one that this decision would affect. "You know I'm here, if you need _anything_ at all."

"Thank you Adele. Take good care of him," he said, kissing her cheek.

"I will. Good luck, Derek."

Derek got into his car and sat with the doors closed and the motor off for a moment. He was stunned. Richard really wasn't coming back to Seattle Grace. Of course, in his extended absence, rumors had begun to circulate, but he never was one to listen to the gossip. He sat there, mouth agape, both hands feeling the leather on his steering wheel. The softness of the material sharply contrasted the firm grip, turning his knuckles white. He turned the key and began to drive. He needed to get perspective, and then he needed to talk to Meredith.  
He stopped for a cup of coffee and then made his way to his spot in the city where he could just watch the ferries. People got on and disembarked, going about their days, living life. Everyone had decisions to make, but life carried on. He could be chief. He had dismissed the idea, but he could be, he could just say yes. He could say yes, and he could be at the pinnacle.

Then he thought about Richard and Adele. He had given his life to the hospital, almost to a point of no return. Adele had done the same by proxy. Richard had an affair, and was only now reconciled with his wife. What role had his job played in all of that? Why had they become so estranged through the years, and could anything have been done about it?  
He sipped his coffee and stared down at his feet for a moment. The wind coming off the water was whipping his hair about a bit, and he took a hand to smooth it back into place. There was also the issue of Mark. Mark was ready to step down as interim chief, but to actually be told that you wouldn't be considered for the position would be a blow to his ego. What's more, they would prefer him to step aside in favor of Derek. The guilt of that knowledge, remembering how it felt to hear that Burke had been Richard's original choice, was simply unbearable.

This was not a decision he could make on his own. The fundamental flaw with Addison, was that they had been married but allowed themselves to live separate lives. This was _their_ life now. Not Derek's, not Meredith's. It was theirs, together.

He sat a little while longer and then looked at his watch. It was close to noon. He got in his car and made his way over to the hospital. He saw Meredith in the distance, explaining something to an intern. The doctor held the chart as Meredith pointed to a few items. He watched as she patted the young man's back, smiling and nodding as he made a comment. She was great at her job, extraordinary even, though she would be the last to admit or even recognize it. As the intern walked away, she leaned over the counter to make some notes. He walked up behind her, wrapping his arms around her tiny waist.

"Hey," he whispered in her ear.

She turned around in pleasant surprise, a large smile came across her face as she saw Derek before her. "Hey! What are you doing here?"

"I was down by the ferries for a bit, and wanted to surprise you and see if you had lunch plans."

"God, is it lunchtime already?" she asked, checking her watch.

"How you don't pass out is beyond me," he said shaking his head. "Can you get away for a bit?"

"I'm on Mark's service this month, so I think he'll understand," she grinned. "Let me just finish this chart up and we can head over to Joe's."

Derek grabbed a seat and pulled out a journal to read as Meredith wrapped up her task. She scribbled quickly, chewing a bit on the end of her pen cap and tapping it across her lips before continuing. "Okay, I think I am done. You ready?"

He nodded and took her hand as they walked down the stairs together. This is what they did now, they didn't hide their affection, nor did they overtly push their relationship upon anyone. They just enjoyed one another's company and appreciated having found a lover and companion. The automatic sliding doors parted, as they exited the building, the chill of the air hitting their skin. Now outside, Derek let go of Meredith's hand, and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, her hand crossing her chest to hold his.

They finally got into the bar, with Derek taking Meredith's coat, and hanging it on the hook at the booth. The waitress came by with menus, but they knew the offerings of the Emerald City Bar like the backs of their hands.

"Um…I think a BLT for me, and a coke."

"Pastrami on rye platter," Derek requested, smiling as the waitress walked away, writing down their orders and heading to the bar to get their drinks.

"How did the Chief look?" Meredith asked, as she took the coke from the waitress, sticking her straw in the glass.

"You know, he's got a long road ahead, but Adele's watching out for him. She asked how you like the house. She does like you, you know…" Derek said, tilting his head in sympathy. He knew this was hard on her, walking the fine line of personal and work.

"Yeah," she said, bobbing the straw in her soda. "I should go see them sometime. Is that weird? That's weird, right?"

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I think they'd each love to see you."

"Well, the Chief will be back soon, right?"

"Actually," he said, taking a deep breath. "That's why they had me over for breakfast."

Meredith got nervous at Derek's tone. "Is something wrong? I thought you said he was okay…"

"He is…but he…he's not coming back to work, Meredith. He's stepping down."

"Oh my god, I…wow. I can't believe it. So what are they going to do about his job? Are they going to leave Mark there permanently? Are they opening up another search? What does this mean, Derek?"

"He offered it to me, Meredith. He offered me chief."

"_WHAT?!_" she shouted. "Derek, that's amazing. You're going to be chief! We need to celebrate, this is huge…bigger than huge!" She started to stand up to get drinks from the bartender, but he stopped her.

"I didn't accept it."

"You turned it down?" she whispered, incredulously.

"No, I have until Tuesday to let him know my decision. Either way though, it won't be Mark, and he doesn't know that yet."

"Oh…" Meredith said, her stomach turning for Mark.

"It's something we need to decide together. It's not just up to me anymore."

"It's not?"

"No…this affects you too. That's why…I don't want to decide without us talking about it. There's a lot we need to consider."

"Oh...Okay…well, where do we start?"

Derek sighed, "I was over it, I had given up the idea of being chief, I really had." He looked into her eyes and then down at his plate, shaking his head. "But now, the opportunity is in front of me again, and…I don't know."

"Well, why did you want to be chief before?"

"I don't know actually," he half smiled. "Back in New York, I ran my own practice. I was the boss, I made the rules. I decided which patients to take on, dealt with the staff. When Richard offered the job out here, Chief was his carrot. I didn't have anyone to worry about except myself at that point, so it sounded great. It would take time to build up a practice out here without having a base to pull from, and so it seemed like a logical step."

"And now it doesn't?"

"Now…It isn't just me anymore." He looked up at her with hopeful eyes. "I was living my whole life for my job. It was stupid, I was stupid. I don't…I want more out of our life."

"Our life…" she repeated.

"Don't you see? This is a decision…one day, you will be my wife. Next week, we're moving into our dream house. I want a family, I want you. My job. My job is great, and it's satisfying, and I'm good at it. I can manage my time, and know that there's enough time in the day for you. Actually, there's never enough time in the day for you…" he smiled lovingly. "But it's a balance. We're making it work. I don't know how to make it work if I'm chief."

"So you'd learn. You didn't know how to shrink tumors, but you learned, you discovered."

"That's a huge risk, Meredith."

"You can't turn down the job for me, Derek," Meredith protested gently. "It isn't fair to either of us, if that's what you want."

Derek straightened up and cupped her chin in his hand. "There is nothing…_nothing_ that matters to me more than us. If this job even remotely puts that at risk," he trailed off, unable to think about the possibility further. "I'm getting used to taking risks, good ones, with you."

Meredith twisted her ring nervously, unsure if she was the reason for his hesitation. "I…maybe I'm not the best person to help you figure this out. I mean, I'm so busy with residency and I don't know what it takes to be an attending, much less Chief of Surgery."

"I think you're the only one who can help me with this, Mer. I don't want it to be 30 years from now and I'm just moving back into our house like Richard and Adele. If this job would jeopardize that, then it isn't worth it." He leaned back against the booth, running two hands through his hair in confused frustration. "We're trying to start a life together…"

"And doctors make it work every day."

"And plenty don't," he sighed. "Your mom didn't."

"No, no she didn't. But Derek, she didn't want to. She didn't see the point. Your sisters make it work, at least the two that are doctors. How do they do it? Maybe you should ask them," she offered.

"They have nannies, and help with everything, and husbands that aren't surgeons. You and I each grew up without a parent. Hell, you grew up without two. I don't want our kids to have to experience that."

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"Just…I don't want our kids to be raised by someone else is all. I didn't really think much about it, about neither of us being around."

"There are options though, Mer. There's the nursery at the hospital, for one. We can still be good parents and both be surgeons, and we'll figure that part out. I just don't know what it would take to be a parent and chief."

"So talk to people, Derek. You know people all over the country, ask them. Ask Mark about what it's been like as chief for the last few months."

"Crap," Derek said, letting out a groan. "Mark. What do I do about Mark?"

"He's going to hear the news eventually. Don't you think that it's better if it comes from you?"

"I guess."

"You'll…we'll figure this out Derek. Talk to him though."

"Yeah," he sighed. "What time are you off tonight? I forget."

"Not until late. You could grab dinner with Mark and then we could go home together after, make it all better," she smiled with the promise of some of his favorite things. He wasn't smiling, maybe not even fully listening, which was a shame, because before this, things we just about perfect. "Derek?"

"Hmm?" he said, turning to look at her.

"We're not going to figure this out over lunch. You…" she paused to correct herself, "we have a lot of people who can help us with this decision. And we don't have to decide today, right? So…we'll keep talking through it."

"You'll still love me even if I'm not the chief?"

"I'll still love you if you're the janitor."

Meredith's pager went off. She looked at it and then frowned.

"Gotta go back?"

"Mark's paging."

"Slavedriver, I tell you. The man's let the power go to his head," he laughed, not meaning a word of it.

"Talk to him."

"I will, I promise," he said, kissing her as they stood up to leave. "Let's get you back."

"You going to be okay today?"

"Eventually. I will be later tonight," he grinned, holding her coat up for her.

"So you did hear me."

"You were talking about sex, of course I heard you."

Meredith rolled her eyes, "Come on, let's go back."


	17. Chapter 17

"Psst. Cristina," Meredith whispered into a sleeping patient's room. Without any words, she waved for her to come out of the room.

Cristina put up a finger to signal that she'd be out in just a moment, but that she had heard Meredith. Meredith leaned back on the wall of the hallway, gently banging her head backwards. Derek could be Chief. If he wanted the job, it was his for the taking. No interviews, no formalities. He had come from New York for this one promise, to be chief. Actually though, he had come to escape Addison, Mark, his old life. He had come to find himself, and he had found her, and now they were happy. There were so many questions, and no answers found yet.

"Thank god, "Cristina groaned. "Do you know I actually have to do labs today? _Labs _Meredith. My stupid interns are off working on some clinic project for Izzie, and I'm here doing child's play when I should be in the OR."

"Cristina…" Meredith started to speak.

"No no no," Cristina interrupted in rapid fire. "I get it, Bailey says they need to go, but give me someone else's interns. Give me Alex's…wait, don't give me Alex's interns, they're idiots. Yours, I'll take one of your interns. Or a nurse, just somebody. I think I'm getting hives from my lack of OR time."

Meredith couldn't help but snicker. "Hives? Really?"

"You know, I don't need your sarcasm now," Cristina sighed in exasperation. "Listen, do you have an intern for me or not?"

"Sure," Meredith said, still laughing a bit. "Take Danner, he's on SCUT anyway."

"This is why I love you," she said as she punched the intern's pager into the phone at the Nurse's Station.

"You're welcome," Meredith said, eyeballing her friend a bit.

"Why are you looking all weird or something?"

"I just had lunch with Derek."

"And so you're weird? Are you going to tell me about some weird kinky thing you did at Joe's, because I don't think I could handle that today."

"What did you think when Burke was offered Chief?"

"And the total non-sequitur award goes to…"

"Seriously, Cristina. What did you think it meant for you and Burke?"

"Wait," Cristina said as she roughly pulled Meredith into a spare office by her forearm. "What are you saying? Is the Chief not coming back? Did they ask Derek?"

Meredith bit her lip and nodded nervously, "But you can't say anything Cristina. Nobody knows, not even Mark. I need you to do the friend thing and tell me what I'm supposed to do here."

"Did he accept it?"

"He has until Tuesday, I think."

Cristina pondered that additional information for a moment and then asked, "Does he want to accept it?"

"I don't know. It used to be all he thought about…well a long time ago, but now…he says he has to think about what it means for us. What did it mean for you and Burke?"  
Cristina shrugged. "We never really got that far."

"Well, crap," Meredith lamented as she sat on the desk behind her, Cristina sitting back in a large chair. "What if it's too much?"

"Lightweight."

"I'm being serious here."

"Fine fine, sorry. Um," Cristina apologized as she mentally put on her 'person' hat. "Well, what are the benefits of the job?"

"Well, he gets the prestige of the job, and the control over the department. He'll get a lot of recognition for it. He really likes the coordination that it would take to manage the OR board, and he'd be great with all the VIPs."

"Okay, and the downsides?"

"Ummm," Meredith sat thinking. "We won't be in surgery together as much. He'd have a lot more travel. He hates research and stuff, so he'd probably miss the OR."

"What do you want?"

"I dunno…I mean, I want him to be happy. I don't want him to resent me if he turns it down, but I don't think he really wants it. He was even joking with Mark last week about how glad he was that he wasn't around when the Chief had the heart attack so that he didn't have to do all the paperwork."

"And?"

"And I'd miss him."

Cristina just looked at Meredith with a face that seemed to say, _well, there's your answer.  
_  
"You're no help," Meredith said as she gestured in frustration.

Cristina just laughed at her friend. "What are you talking about? You don't want him to take the job. It's okay that you two aren't hard core enough."

"He can't not take it because I don't want him to. Oh my god," she realized. "I don't want him to take the job."

"See?"

"Crap."

"You're welcome."

"You suck."

"Just doing my job," Cristina smirked. She noticed that Meredith was now lost in her own worries. "Listen, talk to him some more. I got left at the altar, what the hell do I know?"  
The women were interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Yeah?" Cristina barked, erasing any softness that may have come out earlier.

A sheepish intern opened the door, "You paged, Dr. Yang?"

"Yeah, um, I need you to run the labs on the patient in 1809," she casually rolled. The intern stood there waiting for further instructions, but none came. "GO!"

As the intern scurried off, Meredith chuckled at her person's annoyance. "I don't have time for their questions. We were so much better as interns, I swear. Why can't they just do as they're told?"

"Thanks, Cris."

"Yeah, whatever," she said as if it was all no big deal, but quickly softened once more. "It'll be okay, Mer. You'll figure it out."

A few hours later, Derek found himself back at the Emerald City Bar, this time, with Mark. He had spent the day calling a few of his colleagues in the Chief of Surgery position around the country. The only problem had been that these were a competitive group of doctors, all of whom had no problem boasting about how great the job was. Somehow they all mentioned the acclaim that they received in the role, with few bringing up any downsides. It was as if admitting negatives would shatter the illusions of their perfect lives. It all rang only half true, and like a scientist, he needed all of the relevant information in order to make a decision.

"Grey let you stay out with the big boys tonight, huh?"

"No, she let me stay out with you," Derek smirked.

"Touché. You know, she's not a half bad surgeon," Mark admitted.

"I told you so."

"Must be because of my expert tutelage."

"Oh yeah, I'm sure that's it," Derek said rolling his eyes.

"I'm just saying, she has great hands, very nimble and precise. I should ask her out some time."

"Mark…" Derek warned.

"It never gets old," Mark chuckled. "I'm glad you could hang out tonight, I haven't had a chance to get out until now."

"Job's not all it's cracked up to be?" Derek asked.

"It's just too much. I have this job plus I'm still running plastics in the meantime. It's not like I can trust Jackson to run it for me. That guy ever scrub in on your surgeries?"

"Wait, is he the one that hums the whole time?"

"He's, awful, right?"

"I thought it was just me. That guy's an ass," Derek agreed.

"Exactly. So anyway, I don't know the last time I saw my bed," Mark sighed.

"I thought that was your usual goal."

"Well, when there's a woman's bed involved, sure, but I have needs. I haven't had this bad a dry spell since…" Mark tried remembering. "I don't think I've ever gone this long without getting laid. No wonder Adele left Richard. Speaking of Richard, please tell me he's coming back soon." Mark planted both hands on the table, almost leaning over begging.

"Yeah," Derek stalled, "about that."

"You know something!" Mark said, sitting up with interest. "Thank God! I'm dyin' here."

"Actually, he's not coming back," Derek winced. "He and Adele had me over for breakfast this morning to let me know. He's officially retiring."

"Hell, man. That's the end of an era. That man lived for this place."

"Almost died for it too," Derek frowned.

Mark stuck out his lower lip in pensive thought, running a thumb along his jaw. "Well, I guess I'll have to open up a search for a new head of plastics. I can't in good faith let…"

"He asked me to take the job," Derek cut in, not wanting Mark to consider the job for one second longer.

"Yeah, well…of course he would," Mark stumbled in recovered bravado, slapping his pal on the arm. "Congrats man, I know you wanted this job forever."

"Yeah," Derek said, unenthusiastically. Mark was hurt, he could tell. The two men had always been competitive, but at the end of the day would always at least pretend to be happy for the winner. Right now though, there didn't seem to be anything to celebrate. They both sat in an awkward silence for minutes before Mark spoke.

"Well, when do you start?"

"I haven't accepted it yet," Derek said as he peered into his pint glass.

"What?"

"I don't know if I want to take it."

"Okay, what's your problem, man? I'm the one who got kicked out of the job for you, I'm the one that should be pissed off. You're the golden boy. You are on the cusp of everything you have ever wanted and you're sitting here in a one man pity party? You're as good as married, you move into your dream house next week, and you have the job of your life right in front of you."

Derek groaned in frustration. "I know, man. I just…it's hard. Dad said family comes first, and I finally get that, and get what he was trying to do for us."

"Well, you can kiss that goodbye with this job. It's hard being a surgeon, but at least Meredith gets that. She's just as busy as you are. Being chief is a whole other ball of wax man. You're not in the OR, you're always in meetings. At least you set your own schedule now, but you will live at this hospital if you're chief. Have you told anyone yet?"

"Yeah, I talked to Meredith a bit at lunch."

"Well, what did she have to say?"

"She was ready to buy the bar a round to celebrate," he lamented. "She doesn't want to be the reason I turn down the job."

"Is she?"

"Is she what?"

"The reason you want to turn down the job."

"If I had never met her, I don't think we'd be having this conversation."

"But now?"

"I can't even imagine a job that would take me away from her, I don't want to."

"You need to talk with her. She's a smart woman, she'll get it."

"I know. We're going to talk more tonight."

"Who are they going to get if you decide not to take it?" Mark asked nervously.

"I think they'll open up a search and…" Derek sighed, "…and probably bring in someone from the outside."

"So I'm out," Mark said, almost as a question.

"You're out," Derek nodded.

Mark peered into his bottle, and holding it back out with a farsighted grin, said, "I think that calls for another round then."

"I think it does," his friend agreed.

Hours later Derek crept into Meredith's house. Boxes were everywhere, and in the dark he tripped over one, landing flat on his face. He rubbed his cheekbone to take away the sting, and stumbled up the stairs where a sleeping Meredith laid. He slipped one shoe off, placing it on the ground, and then the other, which dropped with a thunk. Meredith snorted at the noise, but she stayed asleep. Derek, clearly drunk, held a finger up to his lips, asking his shoe to remain quiet. He stripped off shirt, struggling as he forgot the button around his wrist, popping it off. He undid his belt, and stepped out of his pants, but not fully enough as he again tripped, but falling on the bed this time.

He grimaced as he saw Meredith stretch, but his look turned to one of lust as her arms stretched up, popping a nipple above the comforter. She rolled over towards his side of the bed, still lightly sleeping as he imagined all of the delectable things he could do to her. He was a man, and therefore easily excitable, but she brought out a side of him that no other woman had unleashed. A groan came from his lips as he watched her lick her own. Derek endured hours of Mark flirting with women at Joe's to hide his pain over losing the job as chief. He knew Meredith was all alone at the house, and wanted to be with her. Finally when Mark had found a more permanent date for the night, he paid the tab and high tailed it home.  
With ungainly movements he made his way into bed, not a stitch of clothes between them. Derek considered letting his sleeping angel get rest, but the temptation was too great, even in her slumbering state. He needed to taste her, to remind himself of how amazing life was with her in it. He gently began to stroke her naked flesh, warm from being under the covers. His lips honed in on her delicate neck, bare and gorgeous, her hair falling far behind her. He kissed her gently, finally rousing her from her sleep.

"You _reek_ of alcohol," she giggled groggily.

"Just being a good friend," he simply stated between moist kisses along her throat.

"And you're _DRUNK_!" she said with great surprise.

"Maybe a little," he said as his hand moved to palm her luscious breast.

"Definitely. A lot. How did you even get home?" Her voice was still gravely, not fully awake yet.

"Cab," came the muffled voice, his lips otherwise occupied. He had straddled one of her legs, rubbing his body on hers.

Meredith wrinkled her brow, when she noticed something was missing, something big…something hard. He was 42, and drunk, and this wasn't something exactly surprising, but not something she wanted to call his attention to, if he hadn't noticed yet. She just needed to help him out a bit. Throwing the covers off, she easily flipped his loose body over, so that she straddled him. He smiled that gorgeous grin as he looked up at her, and she bent over him, capturing his soft lips with her own.

"Mmm," he moaned, getting lost in the bliss of her warm caresses. Her fingers made their way to his groin, gently toying with him.

"You like that?" she purred. His eyes closed and all he could do was nod, hoping she would continue. She scraped her nails along the inside of his thighs, beginning to stir his arousal. "Hmmm…you do like that…"

"Keep going," he managed to utter, begging for her to attend to his body. "Please don't stop."

She maneuvered herself until she was resting in between his spread legs, his body splayed out before her. Now that he had woken her up with the promise of intimacy, she had to make sure that he was at full attention. She began to nibble along his knee, working her way up his leg and then down the other, passing by his most starved place. After what seemed like ages, she brought the tip of her tongue to play with his testicles, one and then the other. Finally she felt them begin to tighten under her expert motions. She slowly dragged the flat of her tongue over each fold and wrinkle, taking one ball fully into her mouth, soaking it as he writhed in exquisite agony.

Meredith peered up, noticing that his penis now stood fully erect, blocking her direct line of sight to his smoky blue eyes. She grinned, pleased with herself for fighting nature's sedative. It was nothing compared to her feminine wiles when it came to Derek's need for her. The benefit now would be his endurance. As a student of human physiology, she knew that it would take him a while, which was all the better for her. She began to moisten at the thought of riding him hard in just a few moments' time.

Deftly, she took his head between her lips, caressing it with her mouth, warming him in anticipation of what was to come. She worked his cock into her mouth fully, feeling his body sigh in grateful praise for her love. He hit the back of her throat, as his hands stroked her hair in encouragement. To his dismay, she allowed him to fall gently from her lips, a trail of saliva hanging between them. His fret was short-lived however as she straddled his waiting form, rubbing herself over him, letting him know how much she needed to feel him within her.

He was in no mood for her toying, however, and brought her back underneath him. Swiftly he began to return the favor that she had only begun for him.

"I have been waiting all night for just a taste of you," he growled as he parted her folds with his tongue. Her clit was swollen, her body flushed as he licked her from bottom to top. His teeth nipped at her delicate flowering form pulling her in all the right places. She couldn't help but watch as he feasted on her, as if she were a banquet laid out for only him. It was heaven, feeling his passion come through as her body began to twitch. He held her tight as her orgasm began to build. The more she moved, the more he moved with her, not wanting to miss her body for even a moment. Her hands flew back, grasping the edge of the pillow that she rested upon as she reached her summit. As her body released, he continued to suckle her, gently, tenderly, as if placing her slowly back on earth.

He turned her over, so her rump was now before him. Derek needed to be deep within her, and this was how. His hands traced her ribs, gripping her waist slightly as they found their final resting spot on her hips. He slowly began to thrust between her legs, toying with her bundle of nerves. He didn't enter, not yet, causing Meredith to angle her body further, showing him what she needed from him.

Her pink center was too much to deny and he thrust into her in one forceful motion, each of them crying in delight. He withdrew slowly and then slammed back once again. Nothing else mattered now, not their friends, not their families, and certainly not their jobs. Over and over, he speared her small body, relishing how tight she was around him. There were no words to describe how amazing they felt when they were connected. The shine from the moon peeked through the window, casting a glow over her porcelain skin. He could never be with another, and in this moment, there was nothing else.

The placement of his cock perfectly tantalized her essence, and soon she could no longer hold back. She began to back up against him, needing him more, needing him fast. He bent over her, needing to press his body as close to her as their skin would allow. She shrieked as her body flooded his, still rapidly firing within her. Finally he poured his heart and soul into her, as they began to rock together, slowing their pace until they stilled.

He slowly withdrew as they collapsed from exhaustion. He spooned her small body as he continued to gently kiss her neck, even as his eyes fought the siren song of sleep.

"Mmmm," Meredith cooed in approval. "I should send you out for boy's night more often."

"Not nearly as fun as when it's coed," he said as he snuggled closer to her.

Meredith took a deep breath, feeling open and safe. "I spoke with Cristina today. I don't think you should take the job, not unless you want it. I love us, how we are. We've finally got it right, and I know it's selfish to ask you to turn it down for me, but there it is. If you want to take it, I'll support you, but you wanted to know what I think…so that's…that's what I think."

Nervously, Meredith waited for a response, but was only met with silence.

"Derek?" she asked, and then she smiled when the only sound she heard was a well earned snore.


	18. Chapter 18

"Ohhh goddddd" Derek groaned the next morning, shading his eyes from the harsh morning light.

Meredith sat on the edge of her bed watching him move as she placed a cup of coffee on the nightstand for him. It was lovely. Alex and Izzie knew that this was Meredith's last weekend at the house as her home, and had found other places to stay. Thank goodness for little things, because if they were crashing about right then, Derek's head may have actually exploded.

"What the hell did he do to me last night?"

"Mark?" Meredith asked in her usual voice. If he hadn't been in so much pain, he would be adorable.

"SHHHHHHH" he hissed, his head pounding.

"Mark?" she repeated in a whisper, giggling under her breath. It wasn't often that Derek had a hangover. That was usually her problem. This? This was pure amusement.

"This is not funny," he grumbled, rubbing his temples.

"No," she tittered, shaking her head. "Definitely not funny."

"What time did I get home?"

"Umm," she thought. "2 am?"

"I drank for six hours?" he asked, his voice scratchy from screaming over the crowd, and then over Meredith.

Meredith shrugged, even though Derek couldn't see her, his face buried in a pillow. She took his clenched fist and opened it, placing two aspirin in his palm. She closed her hand over his, helping him sit up to take the pills.

"I'll go get you a banana bag if you want, I hear it helps with the hangover."

"No," he managed to laugh. "This is a good reminder of why I never want to be Mark, though at least he probably got laid."

"Heh," Meredith laughed sarcastically. "You're joking, right?" The look that he returned to her said that in fact, he was not joking.

Derek looked back and forth, searching his mind. He couldn't remember a damned thing from the night before. He tried to retrace his steps. He had gone to Joe's with Mark, and they had a beer, and talked, and another beer. Somewhere in there, they did shots to celebrate neither of them being chief. After that though? He was drawing a blank. His brow was furrowed. He was naked, somehow he had gotten undressed. But did they have sex? He looked up at Meredith in embarrassment.

Meredith just shook her head, and muttered, "lightweight" as she moved to the bathroom to brush her teeth. "I don't care how drunk I get. I always remember headboard banging sex." She gestured with her hands, her toothbrush twirling in a circle.  
_  
'Headboard. Banging. Sex.'_. The words echoed in his head, providing temporary relief from the pain of acting half his age. Finally, Derek smirked as he remembered the carnal pleasure they had both enjoyed. He followed her, still naked, into the bathroom. He wrapped his arms around her waist, and softly apologized to her.

"No no," she mocked, dramatically. "I can't please you the way I used to. The magic is over."

"I am not cut out for a night of drinking," he said, his head hanging down.

"What tipped you off?" she laughed, as brushed her teeth, watching him in the mirror. "The hangover? Or was it the blackout that almost wiped out your memory of dirty hot sex with your girlfriend?"

"I am too old for this," he said, sitting on the closed toilet, the room still spinning a bit.

Meredith spit out the remaining toothpaste and turned to Derek with a sweet smile. "You're perfect." She wrapped her hands around his neck and gently kissed him. "Here," she said, as she turned on a hot shower. "Why don't you wash off? The steam will feel good."

He grudgingly stepped in, the warm water soothing his aching body. He braced his body forwards against the cool tile, as steam began to fill the chamber. He rolled his neck around, thankful that his girlfriend knew exactly how to relieve a hangover. Derek grunted as he moved, gliding soap over his body.

"I think I have a burn victim that we're doing some grafts on today," Meredith said, wetting her face and rubbing on cleanser."

"Have you done those before?" he asked as he soaped his raven locks.

"Observed, but not taking the lead as much as Mark wants me to. It's so hard seeing someone in that much pain. You just want to reach out and hold them and tell them it will be okay, but their skin…you just can't."

"He said you're a good surgeon," Derek said. Mark didn't compliment other doctors often, and certainly not residents or interns. "And yes, it was before he got drunk."

"Oh…" Meredith said, still unable to take a compliment. "Well, that was nice of him."

"You are you know," he gently said, water rinsing away the suds. "What time do you have to go in today?"

Meredith finished washing her face as she hung a towel on the rack to dry. "I was planning on leaving in about an hour. Are you on call?"

"Yeah, I guess I'll go in with you, catch up on some files."

"Sounds good," she said as she quietly left to get dressed, not wanting to do anything to make the day harder than it already would be for him.

Derek thought more and more about the conversation that he had with Mark the previous night. He couldn't in good conscience take the Chief of Surgery job. It wasn't where his passion laid, not anymore. His passion was on the other side of the sliding glass door, making sure he recovered from a rough night out. She didn't judge that he had gone, didn't get mad for drinking, she trusted him. After all this time, she trusted him. He had to trust that if he told her his fears about the job, that she would listen.

"Meredith, I hope you won't get mad at me for saying this, but I just have to say it. I don't think I want to be chief. I know you were ready to buy a round for the bar, and I know it's all I talked about last year, but my priorities have changed. It's not about me choosing you or us over the job. It's the type of job, and the requirements. It's not what I love. I'll take it if you really think I should, but I don't think it's right for me…for us."

He turned off the shower, not having heard a response from Meredith. Sliding the glass from the shower open, he brought a towel to rub his eyes dry. "Mer? Meredith?" he asked into an empty room.

He stepped fully out, and wrapped a towel around his waist. The clanging coming from downstairs let him know that she had long since gone into the kitchen. He shook his head at his declaration to no one, apparently. Of course, he immediately regretted the motion, wincing at the remainder of his headache.

Finally dressed, Derek made his way down the stairs, where Meredith had thankfully already brewed some coffee.

"You are a lifesaver."

Meredith raised her eyebrows knowingly, "just dealt with more than my share of hangovers is all."

She sat at the table and looked at the room wistfully. She studied the walls, the furniture, the cabinets. She took mental pictures of all of it. It was where she, Ellis and Thatcher had eaten breakfast. It was where her mother had attempted suicide. It was where Derek finally, finally had said he loved her. He had been in love with her for...ever. In a few days' time, it wouldn't belong to her anymore. It would still be in the family, in a manner of speaking, with Izzie buying the house, but it wouldn't belong to a Grey anymore.

It was bittersweet, really. So many memories were held here, but she was moving into her dream home with her…well, her Derek. She laughed inwardly at the concept. She hadn't ever pondered a dreamhouse until Derek brought her the plans that awful day. It was so like him, to get her to believe in something right before he ripped the rug out from under her. She hadn't taken anyone on faith before, and she did, and then Addison came. She hadn't dreamed of happily ever after, but she did, and then there was Rose. She wasn't angry about it anymore, they had talked through all of it enough times by now. It was just amazing, sitting there in the moment.

Meredith watched as Derek closed his eyes and gently sipped at his morning cup. How had she gotten this far? She took his hand and couldn't fight the smile that crossed her face, which, of course, caused him to smile in return. She had it all, finally. He was showing up, and she was showing up. It was cheesy and humiliating but wonderful and amazing. She cringed as the chorus of dumb love songs flooded her head.

"You do know you're having a conversation with yourself," Derek smirked, watching the expressions on her face ebb and flow.

"Wha?"

"Your face, you're making faces like you're talking to yourself…but only in your head."

"Oh, it's noth…" she started, waving a hand in front of her face. Except it wasn't, nothing. "I don't know why she kept it. The house. She kept it for decades and she never lived in it after Boston. She didn't sell it." She shook her head, not really understanding the logic of keeping a house that was clearly full of ghosts.

Derek just kept their hands interlocked as Meredith continued. "Maybe she knew. Well not knew knew, but on some level, maybe, that she'd need it, or I'd need it. Maybe she hoped she'd be able to come back one day, do it over. I think…never mind. Nothing."

"What?" Derek asked, curious as to where her head was. It was hard, watching her work through so much, things that she didn't experience with anyone else. He had his sisters, his four very annoying sisters. They had been there when things happened, living proof to validate that events had occurred. She had no one, and he could only listen. Whatever it was that was going through her mind right now was closing her throat, as he saw her eyes water a bit. He wanted nothing more than to be able to take that pain, all of her pain away.

"I think…I think I would have become her." Meredith's brow tensed and she gripped his hand tighter at the possibility. "If I hadn't…if we…I would be her Derek."

"Meredith…" he gently disagreed.

"No, I was alone and my job was it. I would have done the thing with the boys, and the bars. There'd be no dream house, no this, none of it. I'd have the job, the game. I'd be her."

"You're not her. You could never be her. She was cold and harsh and you're…you're you. Do you know how rare you are?"

Meredith looked away, still so unaware of her beauty in his eyes. "I'm just me, Derek. I lucked out."

"You worked very hard to get this far. I've never seen someone fight as hard as you have."

"Yeah?" she asked, almost child-like.

"Yeah."

"We're moving in together," she smiled.

"Shut up, you know what I mean. This is really happening."

"It is," he affirmed with a nod.

"You're sure? Because I'm sure. This…I didn't know I wanted this until I wanted this. But usually when that happens, something bad follows, so if you have something bad to tell me, or you want to back out, you have to tell me now. I can't have someone else come in and take my happily ever after part, with you saying things and me loving it. I trust you, I do, but I just need you to…"

Derek rubbed the bridge of his nose, squinting a bit still from his headache. "I am still hungover, you do realize that, right? It's way too early for me to translate girl flip out into normal conversation."

"I just need to know you're not going to leave me. Ever." Meredith looked down, ashamed to even be considering the possibility that she could be alone again after all of this.

He stopped what he was doing and softened his face, moving to kneel next to her, holding her tiny face in his hands. "Meredith, I have never been more certain of anything, ever. This is…you…" he stammered, unable to put into words how deeply he was committed to them. He looked up, searching for the right thing to say, and refocusing again on her sweet eyes. "You're not the only one whose life was irrevocably changed that day. I didn't know how profoundly but yeah. I fucked up. A lot. That's over, that's done. We fixed that, we…we fixed each other. I wasn't kidding when I said that you saved me. I'm in this, and I don't know any other way to tell you, except…I love you. I want to tell you that every day, in our home."

She looked up with wet eyes, and they both spoke at the same time. "I don't want you to be Chief." and "I don't want to be Chief".

In unison, they each spoke again, this time in surprise. "Really?" They each smiled and laughed at their own blurted admissions. Both opened their mouths to start, but Derek held out his hand to say 'you first'.

"I tried to tell you last night, after," she rolled her eyes in embarrassment. "I…well I guess you don't want it anyway, but I wanted to say that if you wanted to, I'd do whatever makes you happy. But we just figured this out, and it just…we're doing so many things – moving, kids, engagement…I don't want to share you."

"I don't want to be shared," he said greedily, honestly.

"You're not mad? I mean, if you want, it's okay if you want it. I can share if I have to."

Derek stuck out his bottom lip and slowly shook his head no. He rested a hand on her thigh, "This is what I want. Jobs come and go. It isn't the right time. I only get this chance with you."

"Okay."

"Okay," he smiled.


	19. Chapter 19

Ellis' old house was abuzz with people that morning. It was moving day, and all hands were on deck. The moving company was in charge of boxing items up, but Izzie, Meredith, Derek, and Alex were all on hand to make sure everything that needed to get on the truck went, but that everyone else's items stayed. Since Meredith and Derek had picked out new furniture, most of the big pieces were staying put, save a few pieces Meredith wanted to keep for sentimental reasons.

"My first house," Izzie squealed with delight. "Aren't you so excited Meredith? This is so exciting."

"Yeah, Iz, exciting. You get to stay put, I'm the one who has boxes of crap to…wait, not that box, that one stays," she interrupted, giving direction to one of the workers. Meredith was overwhelmed to say the least. The last time she had moved, she was coming from Boston, and this was so final. It was all good, but it still was change, and change was not Meredith's favorite state of being. "Anyway, I'm the one who has boxes of crap to unpack."

Derek walked up behind her, resting his crossed arms on the back of Meredith's shoulders. "We have boxes to unpack. Don't forget I have them picking up everything from my storage unit too. We'll get through it."

Meredith let out a deep breath as she watched the movers wrap, tape box and shift everything with surgical precision. Her eyes watched everything, and she felt as if she was a family member watching from the gallery in the OR. She had to bite her tongue as they whirled vases in protective paper like she made incisions. They placed picture frames in boxes as they did when they repacked portions of the body exposed during a procedure. They were the experts, and nothing was going to get damaged, but the nervous pit in her stomach remained as the movement continued nonstop.

"I know we will. It's just so…" _final_, she thought, "something. Ignore me, really. It's fine."

The three looked at Meredith questioningly.

"Seriously, I'm fine. I'll be fine. I'm gonna go," she said throwing a thumb over her shoulder, "uh…see what they're doing upstairs. I'm fine. Really." Meredith scurried away, leaving her confused friends and boyfriend in her wake.

"What's with her?" Alex frowned.

"She's just never lived here and not lived here, in this house," Derek shrugged knowing how hard it must be for Meredith.

Alex nodded. He'd moved around enough as a kid that he longed for that kind of consistency. He couldn't imagine how torn Meredith would be leaving this place. He wrapped a protective arm around Izzie who rested her head on his shoulder. She perked it up quickly, full of ideas. "We should do something for her."

"I don't know Iz," Derek said. "She's pretty private about this stuff, she doesn't want anyone to know she's upset."

"I know, but she's excited about your house. Any time I bring it up she gets all googly eyed."

"She does?" Derek asked, a grin spreading across her face. He knew she loved the house, and he knew exactly what face Izzie was referring to. It was the same face when she got to take part in a new surgery, or figured out a new skill that she didn't know she had. Wondrous amazement. He could almost see the gears moving in her head, picturing their daily routine five years from now. It always felt good to know others saw it too, though.

"She totally does, dude," Alex agreed.

"What did you have in mind then?"

"Well, she's really nervous that no one will come out to visit her. You guys kinda live in the sticks," Izzie began to explain.

"We don't live in the sticks…" Derek protested.

"You kinda do," she frowned. "But that's okay, it's really pretty out there, especially with winter coming soon. I bet it's really pretty in fall with all the foliage. Ooh, spring too. Do you have lots of birds? I bet you have lots of birds."

"Just follow along and nod, man," Alex whispered to Derek. "She gets to her point eventually."

"Anyhow," she glared, having heard Alex. "What if we threw you guys a housewarming party? She's so disorganized, which I'm sure you know. Not near as bad as Cristina, but we could do it. When's her next long on-call shift?"

"This weekend actually. We were only able to get two days off in a row for the move, but we were trying to get Christmas off, so she's on for 36 hours, then 12 off, and then another 12 on."

"That's _perfect_!" she proclaimed. "We can come up there and unpack things. I mean, all of this stuff is labeled, and really, she's leaving a lot of things here. Oh my god, this is gonna be so fun."

"Izzie, I really appreciate the offer, but we can't ask you to…"

"No no no," she interrupted excitedly. "This will be great. Alex can help me move the big stuff, right Alex?"

"I guess.." he said unconvincingly.

"Great, and Lexie's good at decorating, or at least that's what George said."

"What am I good at?" she said, walking into the living room.

"Hey Lexie, thanks for coming," Derek greeted, kissing her on the cheek.

"Where's Meredith?" she asked, looking around.

"Oh, she's um…she went upstairs. She's a little spooked about the move."

"And we're going to throw her a surprise housewarming party," Izzie added. "Do you want to help us decorate?"

"Um…sure. Yeah, I can do that."

"While you guys plan, I'm gonna go check on Meredith. Whatever you guys want to do is fine. All of the new pieces are in, so it's just a matter of getting our stuff put away. Just let me know what I owe you."

"Derek, we're her friends, we don't need your…" Izzie began to refuse.

"Nonsense. It's our house, and she'll just be flattered that you're doing this for her."

"Take the cash, Iz," Alex elbowed her, as Lexie giggled.

"Fine," she acquiesced. "But I'm making the food."

Derek shook his head and laughed as he climbed the stairs. He found Meredith lying back on her mattress, the room bare of any personal items, staring at the ceiling.

"You okay?" he said as he sat down next to her, propping himself up on his side to face her. He took his hand and swept a stray lock of hair out of her eyes.

"I don't know. I just…I don't know." She was frustrated. She had been so calm lately, and now she was knotted up with so many different emotions. "I thought this would be easier."

She turned her head to look at Derek, hoping he wouldn't take offense to her freak out.

"Moving's scary," he replied, without any hint of fear or condescension in his voice.

"You're not scared though."

"No, not now I'm not. I was though."

"When were you scared?" she asked, taking solace in his admission.

"When I was thinking of selling my land."

"But you didn't have to, just because we weren't…"

"I know I didn't. But I was trying to move forward, and I would have, I would have let it go, even though I loved it."

"So why were you scared?"

"It brought up a lot of emotions. Hope, regret, nervousness, fear. It was just another failure for me. I knew I was doing the wrong thing, but I didn't know how to do the right thing, so it was just me running again instead of fighting. I was scared that I was giving up on my dream, but I was more scared that I would never feel settled."

"I'm scared that I'm leaving it all behind," she softly breathed. "I was such a different person, even just a few months ago. Depression and anxiety are comfortable when it's all you know."

"So is loneliness," he agreed.

"Yeah."

"We don't have to do that anymore," he soothed. "We're taking that hundredth step…together."

"I still can't believe it. We've been at this for what, 10 months, and I'm good, I'm happy."

"But?"

"I think moving is just bringing up all these old doubts and stuff."

"I'm not going anywhere, Mer. I told you."

"I know you're not. It's…I'm finally getting rid of it, all of the dark and twisty. It's stupid, but it's like saying goodbye to an old friend that you just don't have anything in common with anymore. It's hard."

"I know. Tonight though, we'll sleep in our own bed in our house on our land. It's going to be okay, I promise." He planted a kiss on her lips, lingering for a moment before pulling away.  
She couldn't help herself after that, her mood finally breaking. "I think I'm ready to get up."

He gave her his McDreamy smile, proud of her strength as always. "Lexie came by…she's downstairs."

"Oh good. I was hoping she could take some of the boxes of her dad…Thatch…his stuff," she said, still uncomfortable with calling him their father.

Derek stood and pulled Meredith up with him, rubbing her shoulders a bit before they headed back down to the living room. Derek caught Izzie's glance briefly, to signal that Meredith was doing better.

"Hey Mer, thanks for inviting me over. I figured I was gonna be packing or something, but I guess you got movers. Of course you got movers, I mean, Derek's the head of the department, so you guys don't have to move yourselves. I mean, I'm not saying you're lazy or anything, or rich or whatever, just, oh god…" Lexie moaned, catching her own ramble.

"It's fine, Lex. I just had some boxes that I though you could bring over to…" she swallowed, "Dad. I mean. If you want to. I'm not sure if you see him a lot or anything, but I never really see him at all. So, you don't have to take the stuff…" Meredith's hands were gesticulating wildly, until she and Lexie noticed that Alex, Izzie and Derek were all fighting back laughing.

"What?!" the two Greys said in unison.

Alex could only shake his head, not volunteering to speak. His face was almost purple watching the two sisters.

"It's just you two are _clearly_ related."

"What do you mean?" Meredith said, almost a little too annoyed for Lexie's taste.

"It's just," Derek offered slowly, "you both ramble. A lot. It's sweet really. I've never seen a ramble answered with another ramble." He took her in his arms, laughing into her forehead as he kissed her. "Lexie, just go through the boxes. If there's anything you don't want, Mer's already gone through them, so you can trash whatever you don't need."

"Oh…um…okay," she said, nervously, suddenly feeling a bit of an outsider.

"Sorry, Lex," Meredith sighed. "I'm kinda having a day."

"Yeah, I have a lot of those," she sympathized. "I'm really excited for you though. My mom always thought you two needed your own place. Something about bad juju or something."

"Your mom believed in juju?" Derek asked, shocked but amused.

"You've heard of juju?"

"I know all about juju," he laughed.

"His ex-wife juju'ed me with cocoa once," Meredith added.

"Yeah, you guys definitely need your own place. Juju free," Lexie smiled, happy to find a link between her sister and her mother.

"Well, let's let them finish up here," Derek said. He wanted to give Izzie a chance to figure out this party she had her mind set on. "We can go up to the house and wait for the first truck to come up, let Alex and Izzie start moving their stuff around."

"Is that okay with you guys? I don't want to stick you with too much stuff, or whatever."

"You two go," Izzie replied eagerly, picking up on Derek's motive. "We've got this place covered. See you at work on Friday?"

"Yeah, see you guys then."

Derek led Meredith out the front door one last time. She looked back from the street, mentally letting her past go, and then smiling at Derek, began taking that 100th step.


	20. Chapter 20

Meredith would have called herself exhausted, except exhausted didn't begin to cover how she felt. Spent. Washed up. Obliterated. Those sentiments may have scratched the surface about 12 hours ago, but now at the end of her 36 hour shift, and 48 hours after the movers left their house, she was far past all of those combined.

The move had gone smoothly, for the most part. The stream of people coming in and out never seemed to end. Meredith wasn't even doing any heavy lifting, and by the time it was just her and Derek, she could think of nothing else except passing out in their bed. No christening, no fanfare, just sleep. There had been some minor dings on the walls, and of course, they noticed more items for the electrician to fix, but nothing that a weekend of work couldn't fix. Meredith had at least wanted to unpack her clothes, but Derek had somehow convinced her that sleep would be best for both of them. It was unlike him, usually he wanted to dig right into a project, but people acted differently when they moved. Perhaps unpacking wasn't one of his favorite tasks. She shrugged it off, just thankful to be able to collapse on their new plush mattress.

Morning had come too soon the next day, and though she had mocked him for the suggestion at the time, she was so thankful to have packed her change of clothes separately. Derek had been so busy with the movers, directing them as he would the staff in his OR. He looked so peaceful, laying in their bed, and so she simply brushed his hair aside as she kissed him goodbye.

When she arrived at the hospital, she was instantly greeted with trauma after trauma. She hated her rotations in the ER. There were so many gruesome injuries that she didn't get to see through to the end. She got practice that she needed with repetition, but most of the interesting cases were simply stabilized and sent up to the ORs for follow up procedure. Sometimes she just wanted to declare a specialty, any specialty, to avoid the ER.

Finally there was a case that required more intricate follow up, and the ER attending asked Meredith and her interns to follow the case. It was a young girl who had been hit on her way home from school, suffering multiple fractures and a major concussion. She was about 10 years old, and had been a victim of a hit and run. She had no id on her, and would later die alone. There was nothing that could be done, but it didn't make the sting any easier to take. Of course, the interns took it harder than Meredith even had, they always did. One of them couldn't stomach it and had literally quit the program in the middle of the shift.

This was supposed to be the start of happily ever after. She was supposed to go into work well rested, after a morning cup of coffee with her equally well rested boyfriend. Work would be smooth, as she was advancing rapidly through her residency, and she would shower off quickly and come home to a well cooked meal. None of that had happened though. It was shit piled on shit, piled on shit. The only difference was that she had slept on new sheets the night before. At least tonight she would come home to Derek. It was the only thought that had kept her on her feet these last twelve hours. As she rinsed off the days from her weary body, she imagined the house. It would be just the two of them and another 24 hours before either of them needed to be back at the hospital. She smiled, imagining all the ways they could make their house a home in that time, at least a bit as they unpacked.

She made the long drive home and stopped at the bottom of the driveway in shock. There were cars. Many, many cars. Why were there so many cars at her house when all she wanted to do was lapse into a coma? She sat in her jeep, not driving up. It was dark, save for the lights illuminating the figures that crossed in front of a window every so often. There was a party. There was a party and all she wanted was to sleep. She opened up her cell phone and dialed Derek's number.

"Hey, are you on your way home?" Derek asked almost giddy. She swore she could hear people shushing in the background. Granted, that could have been the whoosh of blood past her ears as she turned a deep shade of crimson.

"Yes, Derek," she said tersely. "Actually, I am home. What I'd like to know is why the entire hospital is also at our home."

_Shit,_ he muttered to himself as he walked to a more private room. Everything had gone great with the party. Izzie had managed to find a place for everything, and it was as if they had been living there for months. There was nothing for Meredith to worry about, except now she was exhausted, he could hear it in her voice. "Mer, I can ask everyone to go home. Just say the word, and they're gone. Izzie wanted to do something nice for you, and I didn't even think about your shift."

Derek sat quiet as he listened to Meredith's breathing on the other end of the line. He had the best of intentions, but like the brainless brain surgeon he often was, the execution was just a bit off. She had people that loved her, and who wanted her to feel loved, and now he wasn't quite sure that she would be able to see that. He remembered those shifts from his early residency. Hell, he sat through them himself during particularly complex surgeries. He heard her sniffle on the other end, her emotions getting the best of her, and all he wanted to do was run to the car and hold her. After 24 hours, he would be crying for his bed, and after 36, he was just crying for mercy. It was like flying in a thick fog, where he couldn't figure out his bearings. He could be flying straight or straight into the ground, he barely knew at that point. Now Meredith was sitting at the bottom of their driveway, feeling the same.

"Meredith, I can ask them to go home," he repeated.

"Who's in there?" she asked, almost as if she would break, but with a certain strength peeking through.

"Um…" Derek said looking out to the main room beyond the door, "Izzie, Alex, Cristina, George, Lexie, Joe and Walter, that male nurse that always flirts with you…"

"Stewart? You invited Stewart?" she began to laugh.

"I had nothing to do with it, it's all Izzie. Mark's here, and Richard and Adele stopped by for at least a little while. There are a few other folks roaming around as well. Trust me, you are not easy to keep a secret from."

"You seem to manage just fine when you feel like it," she barked a bit in her worn out haze. "Sorry, that was rude," she sighed. "I'm…I'm just exhausted Derek."

"Well, I promise, it's worth it. You'll see when you come inside."

Meredith pondered this for a moment, unsure if she was up for anymore surprises. She was already dreading cleaning up after everyone went home. It was bad enough that Derek had let everyone in before she could set up the house. Granted, if it were up to her, it would probably take them months to unpack.

"Fine, but promise me we don't have to let people stay long. All I can think about is getting into bed with you," she said, almost in tears from fatigue.

"Usually you sound much happier when you think about getting into bed with me," he said in a sultry voice.

"Hopeless. Utterly hopeless. ," she smiled. "That does sound good though. I think I do have a bit of energy reserved for you."

"Let's not waste any more of it. Come home Meredith, I miss you."

With that Meredith closed her phone, this time with a smile rather than a frown. She drove up the remainder of their driveway, into their garage. She laughed to herself as she heard whispers about her being home. She was loved. There were people who loved her enough to throw her a party. And Derek, he loved her enough to kick them all the hell out, if she had wanted it. But she didn't. She wanted to celebrate with her loved ones, the ones who were her chosen family. She practiced her surprised face once as she held onto the brass doorknob, and then with a final push entered her house.

"SURPRISE!" the room yelled, all except Derek who just smirked and flashed that sexy wink at her. Somehow, she wasn't tired anymore.

Meredith held a hand to her heart in feigned shock, which melted as it turned to real shock. She walked into her house, and noticed her pictures already hung. Come to think of it, there were no boxes anywhere. Izzie beamed as Meredith's realization sank in, they had unpacked her house. While she was moaning in her head about her crappy shift, her friends, her chosen family, had put her house together.

Derek braced her upper arms as he leaned into her ear, "Told you it was a good surprise." Their cheeks were touching and he swore her grin was bleeding into his, it was so huge.

"Do you like it?" Izzie asked. All of her friends crowded around, alight with glee over a job well done. Plates of finger food were scattered throughout the large great room where the majority of people congregated. In her periphery, she saw a few people walking around, walking up the stairs, commenting on how much they loved the house. They had really done it. She and Derek had built a house, and this was all so very real.

"Izzie, you did all this?"

"Well, I organized, and Alex moved the big stuff with Derek. Lexie helped with decorating, and George put stuff away." She motioned to each person as she told the story of how she coordinated it all, wanting to show how it had been a true team effort. As Izzie spoke, Meredith's heart melted a little more. She leaned back into Derek's strong chest as she shook her head in disbelief.

Cristina, holding a beer in her hand remarked, "I kept you busy at work. You can thank me later."

"Oh, so you're saying my intern didn't actually quit on me?"

"Oh no, she did. I can't control the fact that your interns are crybabies. That was just an extra bonus," her person said casually.

"My interns are brilliant."

"When they aren't quitting on you, sure," Cristina smirked.

"Thank you guys, all of you," Meredith said sincerely. "Today kinda sucked, but now…it doesn't suck so bad."

Alex piped up amongst the comments that all her friends were saying in response, "We thought it'd just be cool, you know? You always let us stay at your place, throw parties, whatever."

"Yeah, well it's all Izzie's now, which reminds me Iz. I have a list of people that my I use for repairs and stuff. All really good people who my mom met through surgeries. Just remind me later, okay?"

"Thanks, Mer. For all of it," Izzie said, pulling her friend into a hug while Cristina rolled her eyes. Meredith giggled over Izzie's shoulder as she saw the clear dismay over the display of affection. All Cristina could do was mouth the words _NO HUGGING_ in response.

The crowd started to split off into small cliques of conversation as Derek walked Meredith around the house. He pointed out the small things that Izzie had taken great pains to do. She had wanted everything to be perfect for the happy couple. Meredith felt like she was living someone else's life, someone happy, except it was her life. She was happy. It was weird, and a little spooky actually.

Mark sauntered up to them, glass tumbler in hand with his scotch. He was impressed, if not a little jealous of Derek's home. That didn't preclude him from getting some good jabs in.  
"Damn, Derek. I knew you were cheap, but making Grey's friends do all the work? That's a new low for you."

"They insisted. It's a housewarming gift for Meredith from all of them."

"Can't wait to see what you two give me when I get a house."

"Soundproof walls?" Derek smirked.

"From what I hear, I think you two are the ones that need that," Mark countered, causing Meredith to blush. They had a great sex life, but that didn't mean she wanted everyone knowing about it. "Oh come on Grey, you two are just a picket fence, dog and 2.5 kids away from a Norman Rockwell painting."

Derek shot Mark a look. Meredith hadn't been considering the amount of time that had gone by, but Derek was painfully aware. He was married to a world-renowned OB/GYN for 11 years, he probably could diagnose and treat problems better than most women's' doctors. He knew that it had been almost a year of just seeing what happened, with no results, not even a scare. With each passing period, he mentally ran through the tests that he would run, if she asked. She hadn't asked though, she hadn't even seemed bothered. Most likely she was so busy with the move and residency that she hadn't even pondered not being pregnant. Derek noticed. He wasn't going to push her even though he would have had a kid ages ago, but the scientist in him couldn't not notice.

"What? You're living the American dream, well except for the part where you're both ridiculously overpaid and live in a small mansion."

"_We're_ overpaid?" Derek raised his eyebrows.

"I am paid appropriately given my exceedingly rare talent," Mark boasted. "You two, you're overpaid. Well, at least he is. You're a resident, Grey, so you're paid about the right amount." Mark tilted his head and shrugged as he evaluated Meredith's worth as he always did when giving a thought his consideration.

"I see how it is," Meredith joked back. She loved that Derek and Mark were finally Derek and Mark, best friends and brothers again. Though Derek would never admit it, he had missed Mark before he moved to Seattle, or at least the idea of Mark. The two of them were like little kids when they were together, and it made Meredith smile to see them bicker and mock each other, giving her a glimpse of his younger days. "You two have fun, I'm going to go say hello to the Chief." She patted Derek's chest gently, pushing off of him as she went to mingle.

The two men followed her with their eyes, and when she was out of earshot, Mark shoved Derek's shoulder.

Taken aback, Derek said, "What the hell was that for?"

Mark tipped his head up and back quickly, referring to the look a few moments before. "That shot you gave me when I mentioned kids. I thought you and Grey were all lovey-dovey and making babies."

"We are…sort of. I think something's wrong."

"How so? Can't get it up? I can write you a prescription, you know."

"Shut up," Derek sneered. He lowered his voice, feeling a bit awkward about the situation. No man wanted to admit that he was having a problem getting his partner knocked up. Derek certainly didn't ever want to seem weak to Mark, who had no problem displaying his prowess. Mark wore his manhood like the medal of honor. Nonetheless, Mark was his best friend, and if he couldn't talk to Mark about it, he'd go crazy. "Not like that. I mean…" he let out a sigh, "we've been at this for months, and nothing."

Derek looked at Mark for a split second, waiting to see if he would have something witty or otherwise insensitive to say. But Mark just stood there listening. They each had a scotch in hand, and to the others in the room, it looked like any other casual conversation. Mark knew when Derek needed him to be a friend though, and this was one of those times.

"Well," Mark considered, "have you talked to her about it?"

"No," Derek said a bit ashamed. "I will, but I don't want to push, not on this one. She'll take them whenever they come, but I…" He straightened up a bit to gather and explain his thoughts. "You know me. I want to be a father. I want Meredith more than that though. If something's wrong…what if there's something wrong? I've heard enough stories from Addison about why couples couldn't have a kid."

"You should talk to her."

"Talk to who?"

"Addison," Mark said, matter-of-factly. "No one knows better than her. You know that."

"So you're suggesting I talk to my ex-wife about sex with my future wife," Derek scoffed a bit.

"I'm just saying she's the expert. And I hear she's found some guy down in LA, she's moved on. Stop being a baby and talk to her."

"I guess."

"Listen, you're not an idiot. You're both healthy adults, but you're older, she's younger than you but she's not young. Maybe once you two get engaged or married or something you talk to a specialist. I'm sure it's no big deal."

"You're right. I've got some plans moving on that, by the way."

"What, a specialist?"

"No, proposing."

"Please tell me I don't have to be involved in this one," Mark groaned.

"No, no. I have new minions doing my dirty work this time," Derek said proudly. He had made a few calls and it wouldn't be long before he could finally stop calling Meredith his girlfriend. He had plans, nothing big, but they would be big to Meredith, and that's all that mattered.

"You got the ring already?"

"Cristina is helping me pick one out next week. She volunteered, something about making sure I didn't fuck anything else up," he chuckled, recalling that Cristina hadn't really given him much option not to.

"Yang? How's she more qualified than me?"

"Well, she's a girl, for one. And two, she's Meredith's best friend."

"I helped you pick out Addison's," Mark countered.

"That's your comeback?"

"Yeah…" Mark said, a bit unsure of what Derek was expecting.

"Needs work. Anyway, you're out. Didn't end up so well when you helped last time."

Mark couldn't argue with that, as the two men shared a smile and continued their conversation. It was a good day, and Derek couldn't wait to be alone with Meredith. Even if they weren't pregnant yet, it sure was fun trying.

Later on, the crowd had dispersed, leaving Meredith and Derek alone at last on their couch. The window overlooked the cliff and valley below and Meredith had snuggled into Derek's chest, curled up next to him, while he looked out in awe. He stroked her hair softly as she struggled to stay awake. They were home. They had come so far, and now it was just the two of them. He couldn't stop smiling if he tried as he admired the beauty before him, and the view as well.

"You awake?"

"Barely," Meredith groaned. "My entire body aches. I think my feet are actually going on strike."

"We can't have that, now can we?" Derek grinned as he motioned for Meredith to change positions as he began to rub her feet. She groaned again, but this time it was for much better reasons.

"Sooooo. How was your day honey?" Derek said in a most clichéd voice.

Meredith propped herself up on her elbows, deadpanning a glare at him and then flopping back and laughing. "Less talking, more rubbing."

Derek bit his cheek to keep from laughing as he resumed his duties. He loved bossy Meredith. The only thing better was hot, turned on, drunk Meredith. He'd have to pass on drunk, because he figured the slightest bit of alcohol would have her snoring in no time. He figured he could get the other two though, and began to work his way up her legs, massaging her calves.

"Mmm, that feels so good," she managed to croak out. Her eyes were closed, and he was so thankful that she was wearing a wide leg pant so he could touch her soft skin. Meredith flinched a bit and then said, "Sorry."

"Why?" he laughed, seeing as she was clearly enjoying his attention.

"Stubble legs. I've been working for 36 hours and I couldn't find my razor before that, so yeah…stubble."

"Maybe I should compare your stubble with mine," he murmured as he slipped her pants off and rested his chin against her knee. He rubbed back and forth until Meredith couldn't keep herself from laughing. She was gorgeous, he thought. A total mess with her hair splayed everywhere, and her tiny amount of makeup slightly smudged from wear, but she was his, and this place was theirs.

"Should we?" she asked, motioning to the bedroom upstairs with her head.

"Hmmm," he considered, bringing a strong palm to her abdomen. He squinted a bit, sizing her up. "No, I think right here is good. We have years to make our way around the house. Plus, it's been a few days. I don't want to wait any more than I have to."

He unbuckled his belt, and slipped his pants and boxers past his feet which had long since shed his shoes. She let out a sigh of satisfaction, feeling his warm body against hers. Her body was weary, but he was better than any remedy she could imagine.

She began to shift a bit to the side, but he gently held her shoulder back, not wanting her to work for this. He wanted to thank her for making this day possible and make sure every ounce of her was loved properly. She loved him when he certainly didn't love himself, and brought him back from near crippling anxiety. He had made his dream of the home on a cliff a reality. He had a renewed and flourishing career from the trial publication, he had the love of his life, and soon, she would be his fiancée. There would be no doubt that he owed her everything, for making him whole. That night, Derek made love to Meredith, praising her body, making them each shudder and release the many emotions that their hearts held.

Afterwards they laid together, spent, on the couch, the lights off, only the stars above and the valley below casting light on their naked forms. They were wrapped in each other's arms, neither wanting the night to end.

"I told you this was a good idea," Meredith murmured.

"What was?"

"The chaise couch"

"Mmm," he agreed, holding her close, running his nose through her hair.

"I still can't believe you got everyone to come and do this. How much did you have to pay everyone?" Meredith still couldn't believe that so many people had rallied together to do something so big for her. They didn't have a ton of stuff between the two of them, but the house was large enough for it to have been a pain. These were residents, and they didn't exactly have the luxury of free time. Unpacking their friend's house on their day off? Unlikely.

"I swear, it was all them. I was figuring we'd get to things bit by bit, but Izzie insisted that everyone pitch in on this. Frankly, I think they were just glad to get me out of their house, but that's just me," he said, making light of the situation.

Meredith smacked his chest playfully, "they love you. You know that. They probably were just happy to sleep without hearing me snore, which I still insist is not that bad."

"That's because you don't have to listen to it all night," he laughed as she feigned hurt.

They relaxed back into comfort, their breathing slowing as they fought to stay awake.

"Is this what it's like?" Meredith asked.

"What?"

"Being happy?"

"I think so," he said, happiness apparent in his own voice.

"A girl could get used to this," she smiled into his chest.

She was happy, content. She and Derek had built their home, and it wasn't a concept. It wasn't a drawing on a piece of paper. It wasn't a shell that she could see when she took a long walk in the morning. It was a home, and it was extraordinary. For a moment, Meredith stiffened as a thought crossed her mind. Feeling Derek shift a bit in response, she relaxed back into him, but the thought remained. Yup, there it was. A cramp. _Figures_, she thought to herself. She had the most horrible 48 hours, and then a respite for the party and amazing sex, and now, as if reminding her that having it all wasn't something Meredith Grey was allowed, she was getting her period.

She dreaded this. Ever since Boston, about10 months ago, she hated this time of month. She hated it anyway, but it used to just be a personal inconvenience. Now she saw his face. He was biting his tongue for her, and she appreciated it, but she knew that his heart broke a little each month. At first it had been a slight relief. With all that was going on and changing for them, throwing a kid into the mix would have been a lot. But now, now they were settled. As her residency progressed, her hours were still demanding, but more conducive to a family. He had turned down chief, and had family time all carved out. She knew. She was a doctor, and it could take a year, and they weren't quite there yet, but they were close.

Meredith pressed a kiss to Derek's lips. "We should go to bed," she said as she rose up slowly.

"You okay?" he asked with concern.

"Just a long day," she half smiled. "But I'm happy we're getting into our bed together."

"Me too," he agreed, pulling her close as they made their way up their stairs.

_**A/N - I hate when Shonda & Co. make the impossible timeline, but I have to apologize. When I originally wrote this, I didn't really make it clear that we're almost a year past them going to Boston. Forgive me, it's only my second story, and I should have done a better job with it.**_


	21. Chapter 21

Derek knocked on Cristina's door and promptly put his hands in his jacket pockets. It was the big day, well, a big day at least. They were going to pick out Meredith's engagement ring. He shifted back on his heels and forward as he heard Cristina shuffling to the door. The last time he had been at this apartment, it was still Preston's, and as Cristina opened the door, his jaw dropped a bit.

"Oh yeah," she said non-chalantly. "It's a little…"

"Messy?" he inserted, almost in shock. Meredith had mentioned that Cristina wasn't the tidiest of people, but he had never believed it could be that bad. She was pristine in the OR, and had seen the place when she was living with Burke. This was fairly close to being a war zone. He stepped over what he hoped was not something that was alive at some point, grimacing as he went to lean on the counter in the kitchen. "How do you live like this?"

She surveyed the room and simply shrugged in response. "So where are we going?"

"I was thinking we'd go to Tiffany's."

Cristina snorted. "You drove here in a bimmer. You can do better than that."

"Last I checked, you ladies loved the blue box," Derek said, sure of himself.

"Blue box, blue balls. Step up your game. Van Cleef and Arpels is where it's at." She grabbed her purse, flinging it over her leather jacket-clad shoulder, and led the way downstairs.

"Did you figure out…"

"Her ring size, yeah. It was easy," she smoothly said.

"Easy? I've been trying to figure it out for weeks."

"Ah, but you did not have this," she said as she whipped out her old engagement ring. Derek furrowed his brow in confusion, as Cristina's bravado fell a bit away. "I told her to try it on, that maybe it would look better on her than it did on me."

He gave her a sad grin as they walked, "Thanks. I didn't mean to…"

"No, no big deal. Glad it's of some use to someone, fit her like a glove. So, you're not gonna do something stupid and modern, right?"

"I hadn't really seen what I've liked so far."

"Stick with simple, no weird shapes or anything."

"Got it," Derek nodded, always fascinated by how well Cristina knew Meredith. They had an instant bond, and while it took her time, Cristina eventually had become quite fond of Derek. He had finally proved himself at least occasionally worthy of his moniker and he made Meredith happy. She could respect that, and so these days, she could respect him.

He studied her as she walked into the store, his eyes watching as she focused on the task at hand.

"Welcome to Van Cleef and Arpels," the attendant asked. "Can we assist you with something today?"

"Yeah, I uh, I'm looking to get my girlfriend an engagement ring," Derek stuttered, suddenly a bit nervous. He didn't worry about proposing, or about forever, he just wanted it all to be right.

The woman turned to Cristina. "Congratulations, have you two talked about a date?"

Derek and Cristina slowly turned to one another, their eyes growing wide. Cristina looked spooked while Derek sucked in a breath to keep from laughing. "Oh, no, she's not my…she's my girlfriend's," he started.

"I'm her person. I'm here to make sure he doesn't screw it up," Cristina said quickly, no nonsense in her voice.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Come right this way."

The woman led the pair towards the engagement rings and began to bring out the various trays of rings, one more beautiful than the next.

"Did you have a price range in mind?"

"Hmm, do you Derek?" Cristina goaded, pushing him to spend as much as possible. "Do you have a price range in mind?"

Derek furrowed his brow at Cristina before answering, "Not particularly. I just want the right ring. She works with her hands, so it can't get in the way.

The woman picked up one of the smaller rings, thinking Derek had intended to look for something less expensive.

"That's, uh…nice," he started.

"I didn't realize I went shopping with George O'Malley. That diamond is as small as Callie's was."

"Torres had a diamond in that ring?" Derek said, raising an eyebrow.

"Exactly," she said to Derek. She turned back to the woman, "He's a brain surgeon. And he's screwed my friend over a few times in the past, so he needs something [i]really good[/i]." Cristina stood up straight, clearly proud of herself.

"Oh I see. Well, let's look at some of these," the woman said, bringing out a new plate of jewels.

Derek and Cristina scrutinized each setting that came their way. They finally found a ring that was big enough to be special, but not so big as to draw unwanted attention. It was classic, with a bit of glimmer, much like the recipient. It was a 1.5 carat flawless diamond set in a platinum band with channel set bead diamonds along the band. Simple, but beautiful. The second Derek saw it, he knew immediately, and had turned to Cristina who stuck out her bottom lip and nodded in approval. It was the one.

After he had paid, they walked back to Cristina's, still laughing about being mistaken for a couple. Cristina stopped abruptly, placing a hand across Derek's midsection to halt him from moving further. She turned to face him and narrowed her eyes.

"You're not going to do something stupid like propose in a surgery or something, right?"

"No, nothing like that."

"But you know what you're going to do?"

"I do."

"You know she's excited about this, right? She's asked me five times this week if I knew anything."

"She did?" he asked, a smile permeating his face.

"Ugh, just get it over with. You two are too cute for your own good. It's making the rest of us sick. So get a move on already."

"I promise, it won't be long. I just need something else to get here. Thanks Cristina," he said, kissing her cheek as he got to her door. "I've got this one covered."

"Fine, whatever, just hurry it up."

Meredith had been on edge. Derek hadn't proposed and she wasn't pregnant. Maybe Derek wasn't proposing _because_ she wasn't pregnant. _He wouldn't do that, though, would he? _she thought to herself, immediately shaking the thought off. They were good. They had weathered the storm and come through it stronger than most couples she knew.

She had tried a few weeks of mentioning wedding topics over dinner, but not even a clue from Derek as to whether or not a proposal was imminent. She thought about their conversation over breakfast that very morning.

_"So…" she started. "I hear that the peds fellow is engaged."_

He ate his cereal, looking over some notes he had laid on the table, as he replied. "That's nice."

Meredith wrinkled her brow, her lips in a pout. "I hear he proposed at a Sonics game."

"Hmm?" he mumbled, still not looking up.

Why hadn't he proposed yet? It had been months since she had told Cristina that she was ready to be engaged, but there was no clue that Derek's proposal was anywhere on the horizon.  
"I think that's tacky. I mean, who does that, seriously? You're in front of tens of thousands of people, talk about pressure. What if she didn't want all those people looking at her? I bet she isn't even a hockey fan…"

As Meredith rambled away, Derek picked up his bowl, and rinsed it before putting it in the dishwasher. He chuckled as he grabbed her chin and kissed her lips. "Patience." He simply grinned and walked back upstairs to take a shower.

"Stupid brain man," she mumbled under her breath as she smacked right into Alex.

"Whoa, where's the fire?"

"Sorry, just preoccupied. I wish I still had that sparkle pager, I have nothing going on today."

"I'm working on a case for Dr. Kelley in OB if you want to help. It's a pretty interesting one."

Meredith shrugged, figuring any case was better than sitting alone with her thoughts right then, and followed Alex into the room attached to where the patient was getting an MRI.  
"So what are we looking at?" Meredith asked.

Alex was sprawled on the backwards chair in front of the monitor. He held onto the back of the chair, as he leaned in with a pen to point out a mass on the patient's left ovary. "See that?"

"Yeah?"

"It's her one functioning ovary. She lost the other to an ectopic a few years ago. Kelley wants to go in and remove the growth while maintaining viability," he said, tapping at the screen.

"So you'll have to work with the vessels in the area and try to get as much as possible, without actually hindering the development of the follicles," Meredith ascertained as Alex nodded in agreement. "How old is she?"

"35."

"Any kids?"

Alex looked at Meredith with confusion, as it didn't seem relevant to the case. "I don't think so."

"Had they been trying?"

"They had gone to a specialist, who ran a Hysterosalpingogram that showed the mass. Put a dent in that though, chick barely has a chance."

"Oh."

"Yeah, sucks."

"I can't get pregnant."

"Come again?"

"If I tell you this, you can't tell anyone, especially not Izzie."

"She'd be surprisingly sympathetic, you know," he started.

"No. Izzie."

"Okay," he said, his brow tightening in concentration and concern. "Shoot."

"Well, we started out not preventing about a year ago."

"Not preventing, what the hell is that supposed to mean?" he laughed, quickly turning serious again as he saw Meredith's glare. "Oh. Um, sorry."

"Anyway, we have sex. A lot of sex. I've tried the all the old wives' tales, the propping my hips up, relaxation tapes, nothing. _Nothing_, Alex." Meredith sighed in frustration. It wasn't supposed to be this hard, was it? Women got pregnant all the time, much older women with much older men. With her one night stands, she always used protection, but still would worry that she would get pregnant or get some disease. She rolled her eyes at her folly, thinking how dumb all that worry seemed now. Why was it that she never wanted kids, and so she worried about having them, but now that she wasn't having them, it was all she wanted?

"I dunno. I mean, I spend most of my time trying_ not _ to knock a girl up," Alex shrugged. "Listen, I'll be straight with you. I've declared this my specialty a while ago, so I've seen a lot. There are any number of reasons why you're having trouble. It could be you, it could be him, it could be timing..."

"Timing? Us, seriously?" she scoffed with a cocked eyebrow.

"Okay, maybe not timing. But get some tests run, I can draw some blood, check your hormone levels. I'm sure it's nothing, but I can look at some of the basics." He had always been honest with Meredith, and knew when she needed a friend.

"Thank you, Alex," Meredith said sincerely.

"Come on," he said, let's finish up with the patient, and we'll get you settled.

A few hours later, Meredith's labs were back, but there was nothing helpful that stood out. Alex scratched the back of his head, reading over the results as Meredith waited nervously, biting at her cuticles.

"I never thought I'd know this much about your cycle, but here goes," he said as he raised his brows and took a breath. "For where you are this month…FSH, LH, E2 are all normal. Nothing I can see here, but these are only basic labs. Sorry, Meredith."

"It's weird feeling bad about nothing being wrong, right?"

"I don't know. I mean, nothing wrong means nothing you can treat," he sympathized. "Something wrong means you can pop a pill and make it better."

"Yeah," she sighed.

"Hey, you have something to start with. Go to a specialist, both of you and see if they can't come up with something." He stood in front of Meredith, unsure of what else he could say. He wasn't going to lie and tell her that it would be okay, he couldn't promise her that. After an awkward pause, a pager went off as they each checked their hips.

"Crap, that's me…Alex?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks again," she said as she ran off to the trauma bay, just as in the dark as when she woke up.


	22. Chapter 22

Derek sat on the edge of the bed, Meredith's ring in his hand. He twirled it in between his fingers, watching as it caught the light, causing a cascade of sparkles hit the wall next to him. Forever. Forever had begun the second he had come back to that house of candles, but this was it. Tomorrow he would propose, and she would say yes. So why couldn't he just be happy? He flipped open his phone and scrolled a few contacts down. His thumb hovered over the green send button, but instead he clapped the phone shut as he had done three times already that evening. He focused again on the precious stone, willing it to tell him what to do.

How could he make this call? It was awkward and embarrassing not just for him, but for the person on the other end of the transmission. But she was the best, and he wanted the best for himself and Meredith. This was too important to let his ego get in the way. It was tempting, but this wasn't the type of issue that would just go away. He remembered all the questions that he and Addison would get when people learned how long they had been married.

_"So when are you two going to have kids?"_

"You know, my friend adopted and then she got pregnant, if you two are having trouble, you could try that. Then you'd have two kids!"

"Just go on a vacation, everyone I know gets pregnant on vacation when you just relax!"

How a couple's procreation or lack thereof was anyone's business but that couple was really beyond him. Addison hadn't wanted children with him, at least not until it was too late for their marriage. It always bothered him that people would just make assumptions about their private plans and inject crummy advice that only worked on television shows or movies. He wanted kids, she didn't. How could he say that in response to well meaning, but nosy people? He let out a sigh and finally hit send.

"Derek?"

"Hey Addie, how are you doing?" he said solemnly, but with warmth. Addison had been his lover and friend for ages, and despite it all, he still had a trust and respect for her. That friendship didn't go away just because their marriage had collapsed. They had simply gotten too comfortable, and that bred the seeds for infidelity on each of their parts.

"Good, I haven't heard from you in a few months."

"Sorry about that, it's been hectic at work lately."

"Ugh, I don't miss the hospital hours at all. Hey, is the house done yet? Kathleen sent me some pictures you emailed her."

"Yeah, we moved in a little while ago, it's great. Perfect view, it's…it's home."

"Well finally, that's really great Derek. Really."

"Yeah, we like it," he said, dancing around the topic of Meredith. "Mark says you're seeing someone?"

"Oh…um…I am. He's a guy I met down here. Not a doctor, "she pointed out. "We've been dating for a few months. He's a nice guy, Derek. I think…he's a nice guy."

"Well, you'll have to bring him to New York sometime. Have my mom size him up for you," he laughed. "You know she has an opinion on everything."

"That she does," she said, as they both shared a laugh.

"How's the practice treating you?"

"Did you really call me to make small talk, Derek?" Addison said, pulling no punches.

Derek paused for a moment to summon his courage. "This is hard for me Addison."

"What is?"

"I have a medical question to talk to you about."

"Oh, a consult?"

"No, not exactly."

"Is everything…are you okay, your sisters, are they okay? Because I just talked to Kath yesterday and she didn't mention…"

"It's Meredith…I mean, it's me and Meredith…or maybe me, I don't know," he interrupted, already frustrated with his own handling of the call so far.

"Derek? I'm gonna need you to give me a little more information here." She knew this tone of his voice. He would get like this when he was totally in his head, so upset that he couldn't get his words to keep up with his thoughts.

Derek breathed loudly into the phone, dropping his head back and closing his eyes before speaking. "We've been trying to start a family, for a while, and we're not…she's not…" He tried to speak, but the words just weren't coming easily. Yet again, he found himself admitting to not being the expert, and the possibility of being a failure. This was far more serious, however, making failures at work a walk in the park.

"Okay…oh…OH," Addison said as she realized what Derek was talking about. "Are you sure you want to talk about this? I mean, I can, if you want, talk about this."

"I'm sorry Addison, Mark suggested you and I know this is close to your field. I could call Naomi if you'd rather…"

Addison was, in this moment, so thankful to be on the phone with her ex-husband and not in person. She looked up holding the phone to her chest for a moment as she collected herself. He was trying to have a family, with Meredith Grey. They hadn't made a family, and she hadn't wanted one with him, not until Mark had gotten her pregnant. She could do this, she thought to herself. It couldn't have been easy for him to make the call, so she had to be an adult about this. Part of her was jealous, knowing that she had run out of time, but her heart went out to him. He had wanted this from day one, and part of her felt a little guilty that they had wasted so much time trying to fix what was long broken.

"No, it's fine. Tell me what you know," she assured him.

"Are you sure, because …"

"Derek, it's fine," she said sternly.

He quickly sighed and then explained, without too much detail how they had been trying. Meredith's cycle had been like clockwork, so that wasn't the issue. He did his best to keep the discussion clinical, as if this were a patient, to keep this awkward conversation from devolving.

"Well, she is small Derek. Sometimes underweight people have a hard time getting pregnant."

"I can't exactly force her to gain weight, it's not like she isn't eating. I don't think that's it though."

"Have you talked to a Reproductive Endocrinologist? If we were in New York, I'd send you to Cornell, they're the best. But out there? I can make some calls and get you a referral if you want."

"I think a few names would be good, I'd like to keep this out of the hospital if we can. If we get some tests done, could you show them to Naomi, just to have another pair of eyes on things?"

"Of course, yeah," she nodded, though he couldn't see her, "absolutely Derek. You know the drill. They'll run labs on each of you, and possibly some follow up procedures based off of what they find. In many cases, they can narrow down the likely causes. But be prepared for a lot of guesswork."

"Yeah, I remember, E2, P4, HSG, andrology workup, the whole gamut."

"So you did pay attention when I told you about my day…" she lightly jabbed.

"Very funny."

"If it's any consolation, I think I could do a hemispherectomy by now."

"Not on my patients, you won't," he laughed back before bringing the conversation in again. "This isn't going to be easy for her, I'm the one that convinced her to try."

"I'm sure that's not true. She's an adult, she could say no if she didn't want them. And it's okay for this to be hard on you too, you know."

"I know, but I've put her through enough crap."

"At some point, Derek, you will actually have to forgive yourself and just let that go."

Derek remained silent on the other side of the line, unable to refute his ex-wife's statement, but also unable to agree.

"You have options, you know the statistics. Most infertility is treatable. It may take you two a little longer, "she said, almost scolding Derek out of his self-indulgent mood. "But if you love her, you'll figure this out. If she loves you, she'll want to."

"I know, but I didn't expect this. I thought it would be easier."

"It never is. Let me make a few calls for you, and I'll send you a list of names, okay?"

"Thanks Addison, I…thanks," he said as they exchanged goodbyes for now.

He pursed his lips and blew out a quiet breath, trying to calm himself down. This wasn't the end of the world; it was just something they would have to work harder for. Derek and Meredith were no strangers to having to push a little more for what they needed out of life. In the end, it was all worth it.


	23. Chapter 23

Derek checked his watch for the hundredth time that day. It was 5:00 and they had spent the whole day lounging around the house. There was a time element to the proposal, so they couldn't go out until 6pm. The early part of the day had been easy. She wasn't an early riser, and he simply hadn't encouraged her to get up. He had stalled on taking a shower until late in the day as an excuse for not going out. Now Meredith was intent on not going anywhere, which was just his luck. He needed her to get showered, because in an hour, she'd kill him if she hadn't.

"Meredith, please, just get in the shower."

"Why?" she asked lazily from the couch, flipping through a magazine. "I don't think I want to go out anymore. We can go out tomorrow."

"What about that Italian place we loved?"

Meredith just scrunched up here face and shook her head no.

"Okay, steak? I could really go for a steak tonight."

She sat up and stared at him, narrowing her eyes a bit as she decided. "Fine," she said as she walked up the stairs. She yelled to him, "but I'm not getting all dressed up."  
Derek ran his hand through his hair, rustling himself. Usually she couldn't stand laying around the house all day, and the one time he needed to get her motivated to leave…  
He picked up his phone and dialed a familiar number. "Hey," he said as the person on the other line greeted him. "Did you find everything alright?"

"Oh yeah, she's not going to have any idea."

"Good. I'm going to turn off my ringer now, so just text me if you run into any problems."

"Can do…" the voice replied as Derek paced.

"See you in a bit," he said as he closed his phone. He needed something to do, anything to keep busy. He decided to sit down at the couch and throw on a cooking show, something mindless.

A few minutes later, Meredith bounded down the stairs, full of energy as she planted a quick peck on Derek's lips. "Oh, god, that felt so good. I'm so glad I took a shower."

Derek smiled, she hadn't done anything. Her hair was wet, and she didn't have on a stitch of makeup. Just jeans, a sweater, and her smile.

"So, you ready to go now?" Meredith asked.

Derek looked at his watch. 5:50. It wasn't time yet. "Uh…no. I'm watching this show, and I want to see how they make this roulade."

Meredith's eyes flicked to the screen and back to Derek. "Derek, it's a cooking show."

"Yeah, and maybe I want to make this sometime," he stalled. He couldn't let her go to the door.

"Derek," she flatly said, starting to get annoyed.

"Hmm?"

"We have TiVo, watch it later."

"Oh, um…" he hesitated. He hadn't thought of that. "I didn't record from the beginning. It' won't be the same."

"You know what Derek? This is stupid. You let me lounge around all day, which you know makes me cranky, and then when I finally agree to go out, you're not ready."

"It's not that, it's just…" he looked at his watch. 5:55. "It's almost over, just hang on."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "Whatever. I'm going to go sit in the car. You come out when you're ready."  
_  
Crap._ "Meredith, don't…" he started, but just then there was a knock at the door.

Meredith looked confused, thinking to herself that no one could randomly just stop by, given where they lived. "Don't worry, you watch your show. I'll get it." _Ass._

She opened the door, and there sat a vase of flowers, with a handwritten note on them. It was all her favorite flowers, and the writing said, "I love you". She recognized that handwriting, and instead of doing what Derek had anticipated, she looked up to see where the 'ring and run' perpetrator had gone. "Meredith," he called out, but it was too late. Like a bolt, she took off outside, running a few steps down the path until she realized that her friend Samantha was nowhere to be found.

Why was Samantha there, she wondered as she slowly walked back to the house. She hadn't said she was coming. And of all things why would she…and then she stopped as she got back to the front door. Derek was on bended knee, with a ring in his hand.

"Derek?"

"That was not how that was supposed to work," he mumbled, sweating and shaking a bit. "You were supposed to just turn around."

"Derek?" she asked again.

"Meredith Grey," he said, catching his breath. "Will you marry me?"

Meredith stood there in shock as she finally put the pieces of the day together, and especially what she had done. She started to laugh, but then cry as she became conscious of the fact that she had screwed up her own proposal. She watched as Derek's eyes began to get wide, and realized she hadn't actually answered him.

"Yes, Derek, of course, yes" she gushed as she went to sit on his knee, and he brought her in for a passionate embrace. She pulled back a bit, and bit her lip. "Now can we go get steak?"

"Yes, now we can all go get steak," he said as he pulled out his phone to let Samantha and Danny know it was safe to come inside.

* * *

"Were you totally surprised?" Samantha asked her friend as they sat at the restaurant.

"I can honestly say, I had no idea about any of it," Meredith admitted as she leaned into Derek.

They were engaged, and it was one more piece of the puzzle falling into place. She couldn't believe that Derek had actually,_ finally _proposed, and brought her good friends out here as well. She looked at Derek as he told the tale of ring shopping with Cristina, and couldn't believe this was all real. She wasn't running, he wasn't running, and they were here. It was actually a good thing that Cristina wasn't around, because at this moment, her permagrin was almost too big for words. Her mind wandered to dreamy thoughts of weddings and happily ever after until Derek squeezed her hand to get her attention.

"Sorry, I was just thinking," she said as she blushed.

"We could tell," Danny laughed as he took a sip of wine.

Derek kissed her bright crimson cheek gently, laughing a bit at her embarrassment. "I was just asking if you had thoughts about the wedding, but I think I know the answer to that."  
"Oh um…yeah," she said, nervously laughing. "What do you want? I mean, nothing huge, something small. And no chokers that your mom has, even if they are family heirlooms. Oh, and definitely keeping my own eyebrows," she rambled as the rest of the table stared at her. "What?"

"Nothing, it's just funny to see you so flustered." Sammy laughed.

"I don't like you very much," Meredith mumbled.

"You love me."

"Fine. I do," Meredith said as rolled her eyes and laughed. "It's just…is this really happening? Because if I wake up and Addison is still working at the hospital or you're with some nurse again, I'm gonna be really upset," she said turning to Derek.

"I think it's safe to say that this is really happening," he nodded.

"I can't believe it Meredith. I don't think I ever thought I see the day when you and I were both married," Samantha said taking a bite of her dinner. "I figured we'd just end up in a house together with lots and lots of cats, and a trail of broken hearts that we left in our wake."

"Our son would be very disappointed to hear that," Danny added.

"Well, our son wouldn't be here, so he wouldn't be able to be disappointed.

"That's right, your son! I almost forgot. Did you leave him back with your folks?" Meredith asked in between bites.

"No, actually, I left him with your friend…what was her name?" Sammy asked, looking at Derek for help.

"Izzie Stevens. She's at Izzie's house right now."

"Izzie knew about this too?" Meredith said, stunned. "Is there anyone in Seattle who didn't know you were proposing tonight?"

"And Boston," Sammy added with amusement as Meredith got more frustrated.

"Why are you so upset?" Derek asked with a laugh.

"I'm not upset, I'm fine."

"You're fine? The most dashing man in Seattle just proposed to you and took you out for a steak dinner with friends from 3000 miles away and you're pouting, but you're fine?"  
Meredith's frown cracked a bit, as she said, "You're not that dashing. You didn't even get the proposal right…"

"Because you ran off!" Derek defended.

"Not my fault you had a poorly laid out plan."

"My plan was perfect."

As they playfully bantered, neither of them noticed that Sammy had picked up her phone and now had a tense look on her face. First Danny put a hand on his wife's knee, but then Meredith's face fell as she looked at her friend.

"What is it, Sam?" she asked.

"It's Izzie," she said, shaking her head. "She said Kevin is running a fever. I'm sorry guys. We're going to have to cut tonight short."

"So much for date night," Danny said as he grabbed his wife's coat.

"Thanks again for coming out tonight, I'm glad you could stop by and help with this," Derek said as he stood up to shake the other man's hand.

"Well, Sammy's been begging to go on an Alaskan cruise for ages, and we figured it was a good time of year to see everything. Just happened that one leaves from here, so when you asked for our help, I figured, why not."

The couples said their farewells, and Meredith and Derek finished their dinner before heading back home.

"You're pretty great, you know?" Meredith said softly as she let out a yawn.

"You're worth it," he shrugged. "It's a shame Sam and Danny couldn't stay longer, I'm sure you'd loved to have seen Kevin."

"Probably better off that we didn't."

"What do you mean?" Derek asked as he tried to understand why her smile was rapidly fading.

"I don't want anything to burst my bubble right now," she sighed, resting her head on the cool glass of the car.

"Not to be mean or anything, but most women are a little happier when the love of their life proposes to them."

"What? Oh, sorry. I'm just a little distracted," she said, grabbing his hand. "I'm happy, I really am."

"Not so convincing."

"It's nothing, really."

They drove the rest of the ride home in silence. Derek couldn't tell what was wrong, but he was damned if he'd start the first night of their engagement like this. Meredith sulked up the stairs to their bedroom, kicking off her shoes before going to wash her face. When she came out, Derek was waiting for her, sitting on the side of the bed.

"Are we going to talk about this, or are you just going to pout all night?"

"I said it's nothing, Derek. Can we just drop it?"

"Forgive me for not wanting to go to bed thinking that my fiancée isn't all that excited to be my fiancée. I need to know if I screwed up here."

"If you…what? No," Meredith said, shaking her head to dismiss concern. "You didn't do anything wrong. The proposal was perfect. Well, it wasn't perfect, but it was exactly what I was hoping you'd do. Something quiet and simple."

"Then why are you shutting me out?"

Meredith got under the covers and turned out the light on her side of the bed, facing Derek as he followed suit. She didn't know how to have this conversation. She didn't know if Derek was as frustrated as she was about not getting pregnant yet. He never seemed to bring it up, and he was a guy, maybe it was just different for him. Men were better at compartmentalizing things, keeping distressing problems out of sight and out of mind. They had built this house with the intent of starting a family, though. This wasn't right, and she knew it. Seeing her friend's baby was the last thing she wanted to do on one of the happiest days of her life, or at least it was until her brain started going.

Moonlight cascaded into their room as they laid together. Meredith's eyes had become glassy while Derek's flickered with fear, looking for any sign of comfort.

"What if we can't have a baby?"

Meredith's words cut like daggers through Derek's heart. She _did_ think about it, and it was upsetting her. All this time he was trying to spare her his own fear, when they could have been dealing with things together.

"You…you're worried about it too?"

Meredith sat up, leaning against the headboard. "Of course I'm worried about it. I'm not stupid, Derek. I know how this is supposed to work. What, did you just think I didn't notice that I haven't gotten pregnant?"

Derek sheepishly looked down as he sat up next to her. He should have been open about this from the start. "No…I…I don't know."

"How narcissistic do you think I am? Do you think that I don't see the disappointment in your face when I break out the Midol?" Meredith said fretfully.

"If you knew, why didn't you say something?" he asked, an almost pleading tone in his voice.

Meredith looked in his eyes and her lip started to tremble. "Because what if I can't give you what you want?"

"You think I'd leave you over this?" he sighed.

She shook her head no, but also rolled her eyes away so she didn't have to meet his intense stare as her eyes pooled up. He closed his eyes and took in a breath before bringing her in close. "I'm glad you told me, now."

"What if there's something really wrong?" she managed to choke out as she sat back up.

"Then we get checked out and treat whatever they find. We'll figure it out," he soothed.

"So you think there's something wrong too?"

"I…I don't know," he stuttered, resting his face between loose fists. "My sisters never mentioned any problems, and I have tons of nieces and nephews. I think two of them had miscarriages at some point, which is more common than you'd think. None of them needed help though."

"You know," Meredith said as she stared into space. "There was about an hour during my intern year that I thought I could have been pregnant with your…our…you know."

"The appendicitis?" he asked, smiling at the memory. "I remember. Addison called it an adulterous lovechild."

"Oh my god, Derek," Meredith groaned, throwing herself against the headboard. "She did_ not_ say that, did she? I feel horrible."

"Don't," he shook his head and laughed lightly. "Something about the word lovechild though. It was a nice hour, even if no one let me within 10 feet of you until just before your surgery. Just the thought of a family with you."

"Yeah…" Meredith agreed to the unspoken sentiment.

"It wasn't the first time I thought about it, though."

"It wasn't?" she asked in surprised.

"The day Mark showed up the first time," he said as he let out a sarcastic laugh. "You asked me if things would have been different if Addison and I'd had children. You asked, and all I could think about was having kids with you. Stupid, I know, but…"

"No, not stupid. It's sweet, in a kind of screwed up Meredith and Derek way," Meredith said as she finally relaxed into Derek's shoulder. "Sorry I got all upset. I should have said something sooner."

"Me too, sooner."

"You still want to marry me even if we might not be able to have kids?"

"I'd want to marry you even if you didn't want kids."

"Really?"

"Really. So why don't we just focus on that tonight?"

"We're really getting married."

"Still true. You can keep saying it though, sounds good," he whispered in her ear.

"It does, doesn't it?" she affirmed with a smile.

"Mmm," he murmured as he kissed her neck. "So how stuck are you on that name of yours?"

"I hated it as a kid, but I'm rather fond of Meredith now, actually," she joked, as Derek just deadpanned at her, his jaw slightly ajar. "I don't know. For a while I just wanted to not be known for my mom, to get out under her shadow, but leaving it behind…"

"Mer, I'd be lying if I said I'd be disappointed if you didn't want to be a Shepherd, but I'll support you either way. It's your name."

"Let me finish," she said with wide eyes as she gently patted his stubbled cheek. "I never considered taking a man's name. Hell, I never thought I'd get married. But you, you're my family. It makes more sense for me to have your name than Thatcher's."

"Meredith Shepherd," he said, testing it out.

"Yeah," she said, biting her lip.

"I think we need to celebrate this…" he said as he raised an eyebrow.

Without hesitating, Meredith pounced on her fiancé, going to bed the right way.

**A/N – believe it or not, the first part of the chapter is actually what happened when my husband proposed to me. As far as I'm concerned, it was the best proposal ever. Even if I did screw it up!**


	24. Chapter 24

It was the week of awkward calls for Derek. First Addison, and now his family. It wasn't that he was hiding Meredith. He'd take out a banner in Times Square to announce it if he could, but Meredith would probably kill him for that. It was just that they still were his exceedingly annoying family, who he knew would make this a weird conversation.

"Derek!" his mother greeted as she picked up the phone, "how are you?"

"Good mom, how's everyone?"

"Well, Henry's out picking up dinner, and all the girls are here."

_Crap. Well at least I only have to do this once._ "Everyone's there? That's great," he gritted. He sat in his office, hunched over his desk from his chair. One hand was on his phone, and the other on his forehead, propping him up.

"When are you coming back home Derek, we all miss you and your friend."

Derek hated when his family called Meredith his 'friend'. He hoped that this call at least put an end to that. It was as if they didn't want to give her a title, even if they had a house together. "Fiancée mom, Meredith's my fiancée now."

"Derek…when did this happen?"

"Yesterday mom, I proposed yesterday."

"Is she pregnant?"

"No mother," he groaned, wiping hand down his face. She had no idea that those words carried more meaning than her intended implication. "It was just time. I love her, she loves me. We want a family, but no, that's not why we're getting married."

"Have you made any plans yet? You should really think about getting married out here, the whole family would have to travel…"

"We haven't decided on anything yet, but something small and intimate."

"I know the most wonderful country club on Long Island Sound, in Rye. You'll love it."

"Mom, we're not getting married back east."

"I thought she was from Boston though," Claudia protested.

"She grew up there, but she's from here. Our life is here," he said.

"I see," she said, still disappointed. "Well, as long as you're happy Derek."

"I am mom, truly. I've never been happier." He said as he heard someone in the background, muffled as his mother covered the mouthpiece.

_"Is that Derek on the phone? I want to talk to him,"_ one of his sisters said.

_"Yes, and he's marrying that Meredith girl."_

"He proposed?!" the voice said as it got louder, taking the phone away from Claudia.

"Derek. Christopher. Shepherd."

"Nancy, how are you?"

"Marrying the slutty intern, mom says?"

"Seriously, Nance? What are you, twelve?"

"Fine. Congratulations. Should I assume this one will stick, or should we keep Mark away from her too?"

"Not funny," he dully said.

"Oh calm down. I'm happy for you. She's not pregnant is she?"

"Jesus Christ, Nancy. Just put someone else on the phone."

Nancy handed of the phone to Mary, then to Caryn, and finally to Kathleen.

"Derek? You're getting married?"

"Kath? Hey, yeah, finally got my act together and proposed."

"That's great Derek. Don't let mom convince you to go to that place on the shore. From what you've told me about Meredith, she'd probably hate it."

"Don't worry, I wasn't planning on it."

"And don't do something at your house. It's cliché."

"Not that you have opinions on this or anything," he grinned. Everyone had an opinion in his family, but the only one he cared about was Meredith's.

"I know we're all pains in the ass Derek, but just do what is right for the two of you. You listened to everyone else last time. You didn't listen to yourself and what you needed."

"Am I going to get a bill for this session, Doctor?" he laughed.

"Do you need a full session?" she smartly asked. She wasn't paid $400/hour just for her good looks and charm. She knew when her brother was holding back, and right now, there was more on his mind than just getting married.

"I'm surprised actually."

"Why?"

"You're the only one who hasn't asked me if Meredith's pregnant."

"It's not my business," she said matter-of-factly. "Plus, Caryn mentioned that as she handed me the phone"

"And there it is," he chuckled as he shook his head. "Kath, can I ask you something personal?"

"Of course, Derek. What's going on?"

"It's something…I mean. I don't want Mom or the others getting involved, but I need to know."

"What is it?"

"Did you or…did any of you ever have problems getting pregnant?" he said, almost whispering the last word. It wasn't as if there was anyone around to hear him, but it wasn't the kind of topic he usually brought up with his family.

"Are you…Derek, are you two having problems?"

"Maybe, it's been a while and we're going to go to a specialist. Addison put a few calls in for me."

"You asked Addison? You're a brave man."

"Brave or stupid, not sure which," he nervously laughed.

"I think perhaps a little of each. To answer your question though, no, I mean…" she paused for a moment. "Caryn and I each had a miscarriage, but no, we're all a little too fertile, I think."

"Okay," he nodded solemnly, his bottom lip tucked in.

"It'll be fine Derek. Just be there for her, this will be harder for her than for you."

"I know, I will. Thanks Kathleen, and if you don't mind…"

"Not a word, my lips are sealed."

After getting off the phone, Derek ran a hand through his hair. At least that conversation was over with, for now. It was fine, slightly aggravating, but he was glad he had made the call. A lot of it was Meredith's influence. He communicated now, usually at least. Keeping secrets was a thing of his past. Now he just needed to contend with their future.  


* * *

  
"Come on Mer, just let me try it on one more time?" Izzie begged as Meredith pulled her ring from her finger, handing it to the blonde.

The gang had congregated at Joe's to celebrate Derek and Meredith's engagement. At first, Meredith had considered letting the gossip mill take care of announcing it for her. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed as she realized that after all her friends had done for her, she owed it to everyone to do this right. Nothing fancy, just all of the friends together over some drinks.

Some stools had been pulled together around the bar, and as Meredith sat, Derek stood behind her. She had her full weight leaning back against his chest, as he ran his hands up and down her arms. Every now and then, he'd lean in, just to catch a whiff of her. She laughed from deep in her chest, sending the reverberations throughout his body. He was scared for their future plans, but not tonight. Tonight he was content to be around their chosen family.

He laughed to himself as he looked out at their small crowd. There was Lexie and Mark, Meredith's never-known sister and his like a brother. There were Izzie and Alex. Izzie, who wanted so much for everyone to be happy and Alex who had his utmost respect for the support he always seemed to have for Meredith. George, still a bit awkward, never quite knew what to call Derek, and Cristina who loved to simply give him a hard time for sport.

This mix of ages and backgrounds left him shaking his head. He never would have enjoyed this life five years ago. He was perfectly content living his buttoned up life in Manhattan. They had friends who loved wine bars and vacationing in the Hamptons. He loved wine bars and vacationing in the Hamptons. Loved. Past tense. At one time, he really had considered Addison to be the love of his life. They ate Chinese food and studied for exams. He was speaking with the voice of comfort though. They were friends who led a comfortable life together, and then Mark happened. John Lennon was right when he said that life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

He had never planned on loving Meredith. She was a way to hide his pain in a lonely city. Then she was the unavailable intern. He wasn't told no often, and the fact that she seemed to have more sense than he did was exhilarating. She taught him that it was okay to be who you were, even if you didn't like that person sometimes. She was so accepting of the flaws in others, but so harsh regarding her own.

That made it all the more poignant when she called him on his behavior, critiques that he had refused to hear at the time. She didn't condemn people for the little things; that just made someone human. Meredith simply disapproved of people hurting others, or using people for their own gain. When it came down to it, her biggest flaw was being self-centered, but certainly not selfish. Meredith Grey was selfless, putting everyone's needs before her own. For someone who had been so wronged, she certainly believed in the goodness of people. She only doubted that she was worthy of love and attention. Doubted. Past tense. Because now, she let him love her and he had finally learned to do the same.

From time to time, Meredith looked up at him, smiling that cheeky grin of hers. He would kiss her, or laugh along with the story being told. He rather enjoyed observing tonight. He stood, soaking in the glow of the celebration. For the first time in years, he had a partner.

Mark broke through his deep contemplation. "Shep, when are you making an honest woman out of Grey here?"

Cristina, like others at the high table was a bit tipsy and added, "Last I checked, it was Shepherd who had the honesty problem." She said her comment with a smirk, letting Derek know it was all in jest. He had expected nothing less tonight; it was almost like a roast.

"I didn't so much lie, as I did erroneously withhold the truth," he playfully admitted. Meredith mocked him with a dropped jaw. He looked at her with that McDreamy smile of his and then back at the group. "To answer your question, though, we haven't picked a date. We're not in any hurry." He squeezed her shoulders, remembering the conversations they had about wedding plans over the days since he proposed.

"Well, have you thought about the kind of wedding you want, or where you want to have it?" Lexie asked.

"I bet your mom wants you to come to Connecticut. She probably has the place all scoped out," Mark grinned.

"Rye, actually," Derek smirked knowingly. "But no, definitely not going east."

Meredith sighed, slightly overwhelmed by all the attention. "We should just elope. Then I don't have to pick anything."

"I'm gonna go ahead and veto that one," George piped in, with uproarious laughter following. "I'm just saying."

"Yeah, and uh, if we're on what not to do? No big church thing," Cristina added.

"Ooh!" Izzie cooed. "What about a destination wedding? Somewhere tropical!"

Meredith looked at Derek, making a face of distaste for the idea.

Mark perked up, surprised at his own inspiration. "What about wine country?" As he said the phrase, he gave a wink to Derek.

"Wine country?" Meredith asked, intrigued at a minimum. She looked first at Mark and then twisted back to look at Derek to see what the wink was for.

"Yeah, Sonoma or Napa. A lot of the wineries have banquet rooms for functions," Derek nodded, getting more invested in the idea by the second.

"Cuts down on the freeloaders," Alex agreed.

"I don't know, I mean…I've never been there. I was almost there…once," she said, elbowing Derek who grimaced slightly.

"At least there'd be tons of booze around," Cristina said, approving of the concept.

"And gorgeous views," Lexie added.

"What do you think?" Derek murmured softly to his fiancée. "We can talk about it at home if you want."

"No, I mean, yes. That sounds nice," Meredith smiled. This was all still so bizarre to her. Meredith Grey, getting married. No matter how she tried to picture it, she couldn't quite figure out the details. All she wanted was Derek.

"Nice? I want you to have better than nice," Derek said, trying to balance between his own excitement for giving her everything and her fear of getting anything.

"It's good, it's just…a lot. I like the idea, I do…but it reminded me of," she nodded quickly, not wanting to seem disinterested.

"Not so good things?" Derek asked quietly as the rest of the group continued to rattle off suggestions.

"Yeah," she sighed. He got it, he did, and she relaxed a little bit. They weren't that couple anymore. He wasn't the married attending chasing after the screwed up intern. He wasn't the divorcee putting unreasonable demands on the girl with abandonment issues. He was her Derek, her love, and he understood. "I like small though, but not too small. I think I want people to be there. I mean, there's your family and well…"

"You have family too, you know. It's up to you though," Derek said, the two still in their own private conversation.

"If I invite Lexie, then I really should invite Molly. And if I invite Molly and Lexie, then it's a little weird if I don't invite…you know…" she rambled, her voice picking up the pace and getting more breathless.

"Thatcher?"

"Yeah."

"You don't have to decide now," he said. "We're not doing this tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed, color finally returning to her cheeks.

Somehow the conversation had moved to debating the merits of a daytime wedding or an evening one. The odd part was the participants.

"I'm just saying, if it's a Saturday evening, you can get a shuttle and just drive the drunk wagon back to the hotel," Alex argued.

"And I'm saying that if you do that, it's only going to…" George started, and then both men paused, as they became keenly aware that everyone was watching the two men debating wedding details.

"Bachelor party," Alex covered, tilting his beer.

"Oh yeah," George said, in a far deeper voice than his own, "big party, definitely um..Saturday night."

Mark shook his head at Derek, who in turn laughed. He was getting married. Not now, but eventually…soonish.


	25. Chapter 25

"You ready?" Meredith asked Derek that Friday morning as they sat in the car outside of the doctor's office.

"Not really, but we should head in anyway," he said raising his eyebrows and tilting his head.

Derek clasped Meredith's hand in his as they made their way to Dr. Eckert's office. They waited nervously in the waiting room, sharing a glance every few minutes. There were pamphlets on mail-order drugs, and month old magazines on the coffee tables. It was the middle of the day, so most of the patients who were in a treatment cycle had already been seen early in the morning. Some inoffensive pop music softly played in the background, as Derek let go of Meredith's hand to wipe his sweat-laden one on his pant leg.

"Derek and Meredith?" an older man asked as he poked his head into the waiting room. "Why don't you come on back to my office?"

Derek stuck his hands in his pockets as he nervously walked the narrow hallway with Meredith by his side. It was one thing when he was soothing her nerves, but now it was painstakingly obvious. This was real. There was a problem and they needed help. For a man with an ego the size of his, this was the ultimate emasculation. His fiancée wasn't pregnant after a year of trying, and on no level was that acceptable to him. He flashed Meredith a half-hearted smile as they took their seats in the plush chairs of the office.

"So, let's get started. I reviewed the patient profiles that you each submitted, and want to just talk you through how all of this works. I'll have some questions for each of you along the way, so feel free to stop me as well if you have questions."

"Okay," Derek and Meredith said in unison.

"Your file says here that you've been trying to achieve a pregnancy for about a year now?"

Meredith looked at Derek, unsure of who should answer. When no words came from his lips, she confirmed for them both. "Yes, that's right."

"And have you been using any advanced methods of tracking, such as ovulation monitoring either by urine samples or basal temperature tracking?"

"No," Derek started to say, but Meredith paused him with her hand, and continued. "Yes, I've been monitoring."

Derek looked at her, confused, as she looked back at him and nodded that she had, indeed, been monitoring her cycles. She continued to speak. "I haven't taken my temperature. I'm a resident at Seattle Grace, and so my schedule isn't really conducive to that. We're pretty on top of um…you know…at the right time."

"Having intercourse?" the doctor asked.

"Um…yes," Meredith said, uncharacteristically shy about her sex life all of a sudden. It was one thing talking with Cristina or Izzie, but it felt odd having it scrutinized.

"Well, you could also be having sex too often. You're how old, Derek? "

"I'm uh…43," he stumbled.

"Well, at your age, even in the best of health, that could be a concern. We'll make sure to check your sperm count, motility, and morphology."

Derek swallowed, unable to clear the lump in his throat. There it was, the cold hard fact that he should have a teen by now, not an infant. He was old, and right now, he felt every year of his age if not more.

"And Meredith, you say that your cycles are regular?"

"Like clockwork."

"No other pregnancies or miscarriages?"

"Not a one."

Dr. Eckhart scribbled some notes and then continued. "Let's go to family history. Meredith, any inheritable diseases on your mother's side?"

"Well, she had early-onset Alzheimer's as well as heart disease."

"And on your father's side?"

Meredith bit her lip as she grabbed for one of Derek's hands. Unfortunately, she found no such comfort, as they were currently knotted in his own lap. "I…I'm not sure really."

"Not a big concern," he said, sensing Meredith's tension. "I just like to get as complete a picture as possible before doing a workup. He continued again with the same questions for Derek. After about 45 minutes of talking, Dr. Eckhart explained the process.

"You're both doctors, so as you can imagine, there are many processes involved with successful conception and a healthy pregnancy. I'll be doing a number of tests on each of you, and doing an exam on you, Meredith. From there, we'll see what we're dealing with and lay out a plan of action. If it's a problem with sperm just reaching their target, we'll start you out with intrauterine insemination with stimulation, or an IUI. If there is a problem with the ovarian production or a problem with the sperm penetrating the egg, we'll most likely do in-vitro fertilization."

"IVF," Meredith said.

"Exactly," the doctor replied. "That's a more complicated and involved process, so I won't recommend that as a first step unless we need to. There is a higher success rate with IVF over IUI though, so we'll look at everything before making a decision."

"And what if that doesn't work?" Derek asked nervously.

"Well, there could be a problem with the egg or the sperm genetically, in which case we'll look at donor options, but that's a long way off."

"Right," he said quietly, not looking either the doctor or Meredith in the eye.

"So let's get you both checked out, and we'll run some labs. Those should just take a few weeks to come back, and we'll get you both started, how does that sound?" he said, too cheerful for Derek's taste.

"Great, thank you Dr. Eckhart," Meredith said, curiously eyeing Derek.

After having blood drawn, Meredith was led into a private room for her exam while Derek was handed a plastic cup for his contribution to the process. When she was finished, Meredith went to the waiting room to look for Derek.

"You done?" he asked gently.

"Yeah, he said everything looked normal. You?"

"They'll let me know tomorrow. Can we go?" Derek asked, turning to the receptionist who nodded.

They walked out to the car, Derek clearly bothered, Meredith walking behind him. He grabbed his keys from his pocket and unlocked Meredith's door before moving to the driver's side. He rested his hands on the top of the BMW taking a moment before getting into the car. This was going to be harder than he thought, but at least he had Meredith.

* * *

"You're certainly all sunshine and light today," Mark said to Derek as the two men ate lunch.

Derek looked at Mark with a glare that seemed to say, 'Don't start with me'. Derek and Meredith had come straight to work from their appointment, and he was in no mood for stupidity. Everything else seemed trivial after the doctor had so clinically broken down what was something that should be natural. Procreate. That's what humans did. They mated, and assured the continued existence of the species. On one hand, the very scientific approach that the doctor took to the discussion was a welcome tone, allowing him to think like a man of medicine. But this was him and Meredith. This was their family, and something about the words left Derek feeling cold.

"I'm not in the mood." Derek sighed.

"That's okay, sweetheart, I have a headache anyhow," Mark grinned as he bit into his sandwich.

"I…" he started to speak, and then sunk back into his head. "Never mind."

"What?" Mark asked.

"We…Meredith and I went to the specialist today."

"Oh," he replied. "How was that?"

Derek rubbed at his forehead, trying to force words down into his mouth. "Could have been better. I could have been better."

"Is Meredith okay?"

"She seemed so, we talked a little bit about it on the ride to work," he said, at least able to smile upon hearing her name.

"But you're not okay?" Mark asked, but more as a statement than a question.

Derek stuck out his bottom lip and shook his head. "I should be used to this stuff, knowing how procedures work, and waiting on tests, but…" he sighed. "It's different; it's different when you're the patient. We won't hear results for a little while, and even then we may not have all the answers."

"Makes you wonder why you go through it all?"

"It's not just that. She's come so far, Meredith. We both have, and now I'm failing her again."

"You don't know that it's you."

"I don't know that it's not. I don't get it. I don't get how I'm at this point. I mean, neither of us has ever gotten a girl pregnant," Derek said in frustration.

"That's not exactly true," Mark said as he looked away.

Somehow, this piqued Derek's interest. Mark slipping one past the goalie was entirely amusing to him. "You're kidding me! _You got a girl pregnant?_" he whispered loudly, even though they were alone in Mark's office. He was almost laughing as he said, "You dog!"

"Yeahhhh," Mark groaned, running two hands over his face. "About that…"

"Was it in college? That girl who just stopped being your lab partner all of a sudden? No wait…not one of the nurses here, was it? No wonder they were all boycotting your surgeries. You've gotta tell me, no…no…I want to guess…no, just tell me."

"Will you shut the fuck up for a second?" Mark blurted. "It was Addison, you asshole."

The room fell so silent, that they could hear the conversations at the nurses' station down the hall.

"Whhha…whhha…" Derek breathed, almost choking on the word. His face turned a shade of red that bordered on purple. "You…she…DAMMIT!" he shouted as he stormed out of Mark's office towards his own. Mark cursed to himself and got up to chase after Derek, who had slammed his door in Mark's face.

Mark knocked on the door, hoping to be let in, rather than use his key. "Derek, come on. Open up."

"Go to hell," he yelled through the door.

"I'm not going anywhere until we talk about this, man. So let me in before I start talking to you about this through the door."

After some rustling, Mark felt the lock jiggle and the knob turn on the door, allowing him entry. Derek was at his desk, facing away from the couch that Mark reclined back onto. He wasn't sure how to say anything, but in this moment, he was regretting not having brought this up sooner.

"You're with Meredith. You two are having problems with this, I feel for you. But Addison, she didn't want a family with me, she wanted it with you," he started. Derek still hadn't turned around, but hadn't kicked him out either, so he continued. "And I know you don't want to hear this, but I loved her. I know you loved her, but I loved her too. And that wasn't enough for her, I wasn't enough for her. I fucked up enough times, so I could never have been enough for her. But you don't get to be mad at me for this."

"I don't get to be mad about you keeping knocking my wife up a secret?" Derek snarled sarcastically, remaining fixated on the wall in front of him.

"Fine, you can be mad at me for that. But that's not why you're mad at me," he replied. "You're pissed because I did something that you, so far, can't. I succeeded somewhere you haven't. I would have been a shitty father, and you'll be a great one, and you're pissed because I already had a shot."

"Get out."

"You're pissed because you know you fucked up with Meredith, but you don't get to be mad at me for that," he said in a soft voice but with a firm tone, referring to the ages Derek spent not committing to Meredith. "You don't get to be mad, because you finally have it all except one thing. But I had that, and I wasn't even given the choices that you have now. You don't see me with a bassinet do you? So spare me the self-pity and the righteous indignation."

Mark wanted to be the sympathetic friend, he did, but he had enough of Derek's attitude when life had somehow wronged him. The golden boy wasn't so golden, and it was too tempting for Mark to not take out his anger in the heat of the moment.

"You're mad because you want what I had," Mark said, standing up, almost furious. "And screw you if you think that's something to envy."

Mark walked out, shutting the door strongly as he walked out, passing Meredith walking by.

"Mark, what's wrong? Is everything okay?"

Mark almost pushed past her, but instead stopped in his tracks. He and Derek each had hot tempers, and this had gone far worse than either of them could ever have imagined. "He needs you, go talk to him." It was the only gift that Mark felt like giving Derek in the moment.

As he walked away, Meredith stood watching him, thoroughly confused. She glanced to the closed door and back at Mark as she bit her bottom lip, unsure of what she would be faced with when she went to Derek.

Meanwhile on the other side of the door, Derek sat, fighting his damnedest to not break down. His eyes were closed as he sunk into himself, wishing everything in this moment could disappear.

"Derek?" Meredith called as she knocked on the door. "Can I come in?" She quietly tuned the knob, noticing that it was unlocked, and then twisted it further, quietly stepping into his office, shutting the door behind her.

Derek hadn't moved from his seat at his desk. A few minutes ago, he didn't turn around because he was angry with Mark. Now he couldn't turn around because he knew that parts of what his friend said were true. His shoulders were hunched over, and his head drooped. He wanted to be alone, but he was relieved that he wasn't.

Meredith sat down on the couch, her knees together and her arms crossed protectively. Her small frame seemed even more compact when measured against the cloud that seemed to be hovering over Derek.

"He got her pregnant."

"Who, Mark? Who did he get pregnant?" Meredith asked, wondering who could be causing Derek this much angst.

"Addison," he whispered, turning around in his chair as he moved to repeat his stance beside Meredith.

"Wait…now? It thought you said she was with…" she started, looking at him.

"No, back in New York," he interrupted, still barely able to speak above a whisper.

"Oh," Meredith said, a bit hurt that this could bother him so deeply. She didn't mean to be, and deep down, she knew it didn't change anything about them. Still, Derek was jealous of Mark over Addison, and she winced at the part of her heart that ached. "So they decided to…"

"Sounds like it," he said, assuming that Addison had terminated the pregnancy.

"And you didn't know?" she asked as a follow up, trying to ascertain just how deep his emotions would be running.

He couldn't speak anymore, and instead shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Derek," Meredith said as she placed one hand on his shoulder, and the other on his forearm. "I'm so sorry."

"No," he said with closed eyes, thankful for her warming touch. The hospital was always kept on the cooler side, and the simple motion was felt throughout his body. "It's no one's fault, and everyone's fault, but not yours. Please don't apologize."

Even if sorry was just a saying, he couldn't handle Meredith bearing any of the guilt that three friends had brought upon one another. Yet again, she was here as the strong one. Time and time again, she managed to pick up pieces of her own life and then of his. He sank into her a bit, calming himself by listening to her breath. She was struggling too, he could tell. Her breathing flowed easier than his, but there was an almost imperceptible level of tension from her chest.

For the first time in ages, Meredith wanted to run. She wanted to hit him with the throw pillow, scream, and run out the door. He hadn't acted inappropriately, not to her at least, but his wounded soul spoke volumes to her. Maybe he would rather be with Addison. Maybe she could give him a family, even as late as it was for them. As thoughts raced through her head at breakneck speed, the underlying theme that she once again couldn't measure up to Derek's fantasies.

She brought the hand that crossed her body to his to hold a finger between her lip and chin. Meredith really was considering jus t standing up, finding Cristina, and dragging her to Joe's. Today had been too stressful. She remained calm at the doctor's visit, but as the afternoon crept on, the enormity of it had sunken in. This was beyond not being cut out for bright and shiny, maybe just it was God's way of telling her to turn around and run like hell.

With a single muscle twitch, Derek grabbed for her wrist. "Don't. Please don't go," he begged.

Derek couldn't stop playing his life over and over in his mind. When he learned that Mark and Addison had been living together, Mark had hit the nail on the head. Derek was upset because he and Meredith could have really taken their shot at being happy without ever looking back. This was beyond that. Mark and Addison had not only lived together, but had gotten her pregnant. The pain was now twofold. It compounded his guilt, but now included the ferry boat, Rose, every single time he had failed her. He had admitted as much to her in the past, but it seemed to keep creeping back in new and insidious ways. He had made Meredith doubt him, and given her every reason to.

Mark and Addison had never actually lied to him, but had committed the sin of omission. He realized that this was just like he had done to Meredith with Addison, with Rose, and over his thoughts about becoming chief. Right now, he couldn't verbalize how deeply sorry he was for the pain he had caused. He wanted to, but the pain he felt was so deep, there were no words. He felt her try to move. It was this micro-movement, and he reached out to her, begging her to stay.

She didn't want to stay, but his simple utterance had convinced her to do so. She sat next to him, convinced that he was looking for something that she couldn't provide. "Okay," she agreed, retaining her spot on the couch.

Derek let out a breath of relief, and sighed out a simple "Thank you."

After sitting quietly for a few moment, Meredith whispered, "I really am sorry…"

Derek sat up a bit, so confused by everything he had heard, especially this. "Meredith, I told you, you have nothing to apologize for. Everyone should be apologizing to you."

"I don't understand," she replied with a furrowed brow. "Anyway, I…maybe you could have had kids…with her, and I'm sorry I got in the way of that."

"You what?" he softly asked. "Mer, is that why you wanted to run a moment ago? Because you think I want kids with Addison? Please don't think that."

Meredith tried to play it off, wanting to give Derek every chance to have the escape that she wanted right now. "I'd understand. I mean, Mark stole that from you and I can't seem to give you that, so I'd understand. It's okay if you want to back out of all of this…"

The guilt crashed over Derek like a wave of bricks. She thought he didn't love her. She thought he was angry and hurt because he lamented losing the life he had all those years ago. A remorseful sob wracked his body, as he fought to regain his composure. "You think I want any of that with Addison? There is only one woman that I can see myself having a family with, and that's you."

"But you..." she choked. "Mark was so mad when I saw him just now, and you're so upset. Maybe there's some part of you that thinks I'm not good enough."

"Meredith, I…I am so sorry that you even thought that for a split second. I'm not upset because I wanted that life with Addison." He paused for a moment to wipe away a tear on her face, and batted at his own with the back of his hand. "Every time I learn something new about their affair, is another reminder of the innocence I took away from you and me. It's another layer of guilt that I will have to live with every day, because I chose wrong. Over and over I failed you, and I continue to fail you. If…if I knew then what I know now about their relationship, I would never have tried. I would have been single when I met you. I would have…we wouldn't have had to deal with everything we went through, and you wouldn't have cause to doubt me. And knowing that Mark could have had a family when we could have been happy…" he trailed off, disgusted with himself.

"You don't want to leave me?"

"You think I'd ever be able to? Meredith…" he sighed with a sad tilt of his head. "Please, don't apologize for this. You're the one who…I don't know if I'd still be standing without you. I just wish I hadn't pulled you through hell to get here, and now with everything today…What if we could have been a family by now? What if I chose wrong and now can't give you a family?"

"Derek…you…we…we can't live like that. And we wouldn't have made it then either," she protested.

"How can you say that, Meredith? We were happy. We were happy and I fucked it up."

"Do you think we would have made it? Derek, you weren't the only one who made me doubt my life. Part of your allure was being safe, because you were unavailable. You were a one night stand. Then you were my boss. Then you were married. We wouldn't have been happy. I would have pulled away if Addison hadn't shown up."

"You begged me to pick you."

"And I knew. I knew you'd choose her. So can you please stop believing we had a fairy tale back then, because, if you hadn't screwed it up, I sure would have. Every time you beat yourself up over that, it messes with my head. You're not the only one with guilt, so please…please stop it. Today has been too hard already without taking it out on each other, so please…" she looked up at the ceiling, trying to force tears back into her eyes. "We're past this Derek. Please tell me we're past this."

"Okay…I promise. I'll try," he said, stroking her hair as she leaned into his chest.

"I'm scared…" Meredith whispered.

"Me too."

"We're okay though?"

"Yeah, we're…we're okay. And hey, you didn't run."

"And you talked to me."

"I did," he nodded, both of them finally calm. "Can I just say this one more thing?"

"You can say anything to me."

He kept Meredith curled against him as he kissed the top of her head before speaking. "When Mark told me. I knew they had lived together, and I had come to terms with it, with the remorse of trying with her. They stole that time from us, by keeping the secret. But I had kept her a secret from you, and if I caused you even a fraction of that pain…but today, with the doctor and then hearing that there was another layer concealed…I'm just so sorry Meredith, and I will always regret that I did that to you."

"We're here now though. We're together, and we're…it'll be okay, right?"

"I think so," he smiled into her hair.

"So we'll deal with whatever the doctor tells us?"

"We will."

"I love you Derek, don't scare me like that again."

Derek laughed, trying to lighten the mood, "Maybe we should get Mark drunk and make sure all the secrets are out."

"How about instead of tumors, we try to make a truth serum for our next clinical trial."

"That, Dr. Grey, is the best idea I have heard all day…"


	26. Chapter 26

"Buy you a beer?" Derek said as he sat next to Mark at the bar.

Mark ignored Derek, opting to watch the game on the TV nearby.

"Ahh," Derek laughed. "Silent treatment. That's fine. I can sit here and talk to myself. Joe – can I get two beers?"

"Sure thing, Doc."

As Derek ordered, Mark glanced at his friend from the corner of his eye. Derek looked tired and sullen as he picked at the label on his beer. Mark knew that he couldn't have caused all of it, but the revelation certainly couldn't have helped matters.

"For what it's worth, you wouldn't be a shitty dad," he said, his bottle moving with his hand movements.

_That_ caught Mark's attention, as he cocked a disbelieving eyebrow at Derek, grabbed his beer and went back to watching TV.

"You would have figured it out," Derek said, a timbre of remorse in his tone.

"She did the right thing. She wasn't ready. I wasn't ready, I'm _not_ ready. You…you've always been the one…"

"Yeah."

"I asked Meredith to talk to you."

"She said," Derek nodded.

"So you told her?"

"I did."

Mark sipped his beer, taking in the information without judgment. "She okay?"

Derek scratched at the back of his head, sighing loudly. "She thought I was upset because Addison could have given me what she can't seem to."

"No guilt there," Mark said sarcastically, beginning to come out of his stupor. "Who'dve thought that Grey would be the one worrying about that."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Derek asked, his temper beginning to flare.

"Settle down. I just mean that I never saw her as the mommy type, not until around two years ago."

"What was two years ago?" Derek asked sternly, but willing to listen.

"Nothing really. We had this case. A kid had all the internal structures for his ears, but none of the external shape."

"Wait, the kid of the son of that woman from the cafeteria…the one I played a prank on you with?"

"Yeah, that one. Anyway…you know, I thought she was just like me. Totally out for herself, screwing you over. I knew all about Ellis, but Meredith…do you know she basically pulled the resources for a pro-bono surgery in less than 6 hours?"

"I heard a little about it. We weren't talking much then."

"It was pretty amazing, actually. She said she and the kid were trick or treating for ears because her mom never took her trick or treating. I told her that the apple fell pretty far from the tree. Saw her totally differently from that point on," Mark admitted, shaking his head at the recollection.

"She really had a terrible childhood. I want to be able to make it up to her," Derek grimaced.

"But you think you can't…" Mark said more as a statement than as a question.

"I'll know more tomorrow. Just about me, not all of it, but some."

"Count, morphology, all that stuff?"

"Well, at least there was more than one way you were paying attention to Addison, then," Derek half glared, but held back some. The sarcasm came easy, it hid the betrayal that he truly felt beneath a thin veil of contempt. But Derek didn't have contempt for Mark. He wanted it all out on the table so he could get past it. Mark hadn't been happy to break the news to him. Hell, Mark had seemed downright distraught over it. And what had he done? He had stormed off, lost in his own agony. Mark's timing may have been for shit, but it didn't excuse the fact that Derek was being a jackass as a best friend. "Sorry, that wasn't fair," he admitted after a pause.

"No, I deserved it. It's true, so I deserved it."

"So you and Addison then…" Derek said, opening the door for Mark to talk.

"Me and Addison…" he nodded.

"Did you know she was going to…"

"No. Just one day she was pregnant, and then she told me it was over. She left a few weeks later to find you."

"Wow," Derek said, taken aback.

"Right?" asked Mark, clearly as stunned as the day it happened.

"I don't know what to say."

"I mean, on one hand, I'm a good uncle, I love your sister's kids. And the possibility, I didn't hate it at the time. I wasn't thinking clearly though. It never would have worked, and the kid would have wound up without a dad, like his old man."

"And his old man's best friend."

"And his fiancée," Mark added.

"True. All true. I want Meredith to know that a father can be around, that it does actually work out. It can right? I mean, am I pushing her and biting off more than we can chew?" Derek asked his friend who had no more clue than he did.

"I don't know man. I got nothing for you on how it works, but you two…you're going to figure this out together. I don't know how your story will go, but at least you have her to help you. I've got no one."

"You have me," Derek smiled.

"I told you earlier sweetheart, I have a headache," Mark smirked as he flagged Joe down for another beer.

Derek rolled his eyes and gave a sarcastic laugh but then said, "Seriously though, man, you'll find someone when you're ready for it. And we're both here for you whenever you need, me and Meredith. You're our family."

"We're a pathetic pair. I knock up the one woman I shouldn't, and you can't knock up the one you should."

"Tell me about it," Derek again laughed sadly. "Talk about feeling lame. Try screwing your fiancée all the time for a year and see how you feel."

"Personally, I'd celebrate. But yeah, I know what you mean. Well, I don't but…you know."

"Yeah, I know."

"Tomorrow then?" Mark asked.

"Tomorrow. Meredith and I agreed to just do dinner at home in case the news wasn't great. I don't think I'd be much company for anyone if it isn't good. Not sure how she's put up with me lately."

"Brainwashed."

"Nice."

"Come on, man, lighten up. She loves you."

"I know. I know she does."

"Did you talk to your Mom at all?"

"Would you talk to her about this?" Derek laughed.

"Good point," Mark said.

"I asked Kathleen though. Did you know she had a miscarriage a while ago?"

"Really? No, I had no idea," Mark said in shock.

"Caryn too, apparently."

"That…that just sucks. But they each have lots of kids, so…"

"Exactly. No problems getting pregnant," Derek said as he shook his head. "It could be nothing. I know it just takes some couples longer, that's why we've been trying."

"But you don't think it's nothing," Mark assessed.

"No. I don't think it's nothing," Derek said as he finished off his bottle.

"When's your better half done with her shift?"

"She had to stay late with a patient. She should be done soon though, if she's not already."

"Good, then I don't have to take your drunk ass home."

"A) I am not that drunk and B) how is your drunk ass getting home?"

Mark shrugged as he surveyed the room, patting Derek's back as he stood up. "Who says I need to go home?"

"Good night, Mark."

"See you tomorrow. Thanks for not decking me."

Derek smirked at his friend as Mark sauntered up to a woman nearby, Meredith on her way to take him home.

A few minutes later, a weary Meredith walked into the Emerald City Bar. Derek hadn't noticed her, and she crept up behind him. She raked her fingers through his hair, from his ears down his neck, and then planted a kiss on the side of his face. It had been a long day for both of them. They had been patients, doctors, friends, a couple, individuals…it was all exhausting. If a camera had been around, the moment would have captured a beautiful couple in love, eyes closed as the woman placed her lips on her lover's cheek. The scene below the film was far more deep, more complex. Meredith's hands had been resting on Derek's shoulders, and just when she was about to pull away to take the seat beside him, he brought his hands over hers. They paused, just for a moment, her head tilting into his neck as they took in the breath of one another. Finally they broke apart as Derek led Meredith to a booth so that they could order dinner. Cooking was likely the last thing on either of their minds.

"How's your patient doing?" Derek asked. The fatigue was evident in his voice, but so was the appreciation that the only thing he needed in life, Meredith, was with him.

"We'll see. It's going to be a rough night. I shouldn't get paged though; I have one of my interns on it."

"That's good, maybe we can get some rest tonight…" he smiled as he rubbed a thumb over her hand.

"Rest, huh?" Meredith said as she raised a brow.

"Or however you'd like to relax. I'm here to help, you know."

"I'm sure you are," she laughed at his not-so-subtle innuendo.

"In the meantime, want to get some food?"

"I'm starved," she nodded with wide eyes, as they placed their orders. Meredith scanned the room, noticing a familiar face in a corner. "I guess Mark isn't too mad anymore, looks like he's doing just fine with that woman from billing."

"We talked. I still can't believe he could have been a father," he shook his head. "It's all very odd. But we're okay. We're guys, we figure it out."

"You're lucky to have each other," Meredith said with a certain wistfulness in her voice. "You've always had that person you could talk to about anything. It's really great."

Derek wasn't quite sure what she was getting at as his brow creased in thought. "Sometimes. Sometimes he's a pain in the ass. And you have Cristina, and you've been talking with Lexie more."

"I know, but it's different. They all know the me I've been since I came back to Seattle."

"That's you though, isn't it? I have a thing for that you," he grinned.

She couldn't help but smile back at his cheeky way, but remained serious. "Well, I mean…you've known each other almost your whole lives, and not just known each other, but you've been best friends. I didn't have that relationship with anyone. Even now, I have Cristina and Iz and even Lexie. But I can't talk to them about this…about our stuff. They'd be supportive in their own way, but they don't get it. Not like Mark gets you."

"You can talk to me," Derek offered.

"I know, and I will, I do…it's just…it's girl stuff. It's stuff you'd talk to your mom about or your sister, except I don't have a mom, and my sisters aren't the same as sisters people grow up with."

"You can have one of my sisters. Yeah, take Nancy!" he joked, resulting in a glare that showed Meredith knew he was joking.

"You know what I mean."

"I do. I wish I could talk to my dad about this. It seems like one of those things that a father could give good advice on."

"What do you think he'd say?" she asked, leaning into him.

"Keep practicing!" he laughed out, doing an impression of his father and then shook his head. "I don't know. It's what he said about school stuff."

"My mom would tell me not to have kids," she said glumly.

"Probably. But do you think she really didn't want kids?"

"No, I don't know…maybe."

"Hmmm," Derek said, seeming to consider things.

"Sometimes I like to think she would have wanted a brother or a sister for me, if she had been happy."

Derek smiled as Meredith got caught in a daydream. She always did this from time to time. She'd get an idea in her head, and it would seem so real, so vivid. He could see every emotion through her face.

"I wonder sometimes, and it's sad, I know, it's pathetic…"

"What is?"

"If Richard had left Adele for my mom, if they would have had kids," she shrugged. "That's creepy right? Fantasizing about a fake family with the guy my mom had an affair with?"

"A little," he laughed. "But it's nothing that you did wrong…I think about what my life would have been like if my dad had lived."

"I just think maybe we would have been a real family. Just…ordinary," she half smiled like her mother had to Richard on that one lucid day. Her voice got soft and quiet. "I don't want our kids to grow up without family, Derek."

"I think we can handle that," he assured her.

"I want to do holidays and birthdays and I want you to be around," she whispered, almost pleading with him.

"Me too. I don't want either of us to miss any of it." Derek laced her fingers in his, as they took in the moment. Tomorrow could change things. They would begin to find out what they were up against.


	27. Chapter 27

Derek looked at his phone as left the O.R., just to make sure there were no voicemails waiting for him. He had just finished an emergency surgery, and knew he would be getting a call any moment. There was no icon indicating a waiting message, but called his phone just the same, to be sure. Unsurprisingly, the pleasant voice reminded him that no news awaited him. He walked back to his office to do paperwork, sitting down and scratching his hair almost violently, getting out the megawatts of nervous energy that coursed through his veins.

The phone finally rang and Derek picked up almost immediately. "Dr. Shepherd," he announced in a strong voice.

"Dr. Shepherd, hello. This is Dr. Eckhart, is this a good time to talk?" the gentleman said on the other side of the phone.

"Sure, just let me close my office door," he said as he nervously moved to ensure some privacy. He swallowed as he made the motion, hoping that other doors weren't being closed at the same time. "Okay, yes. Go ahead."

"I have your results here, and for the most part, things look good," the doctor said as Derek let out a sigh of relief through pursed lips. "Your count is fine, as is the motility of the sperm, so no need to curtail any sexual activity."

"That's good news. So everything's alright?" he asked eagerly. Derek leaned back in his chair, tilting back a bit more relaxed now. He couldn't wait to go home, make dinner, and tell Meredith...with fanfare.

"Well, not entirely. I didn't like the morphology. You see, there is a very high abnormal shape count to your sperm, which would make it extremely difficult to penetrate the egg."

"What's a normal count?"

"We like to see around 15% normal sperm morphology, that's what a standard percentage would be. I'd even be comfortable around 7 or 8% normal," the doctor explained.

"And mine is…?" Derek asked, apprehensively. He felt his stomach drop through the floor as Dr. Eckhart replied.

"About 3%."

"Three. Percent." Derek repeated slowly, almost choking.

"Well, it's not that atypical for a man your age, but it's lower than we'd want to produce an unassisted pregnancy."

"What does this mean?" he asked, knowing full well what this diagnosis meant.

"I want to wait until the rest of your and Meredith's labs are back, but most likely, an IUI won't be useful for you both. In that case, we'd simply be allowing a follicle or two to produce an egg. We'd wash your sperm and insert that into her uterus via a catheter, hoping that they'll meet up with the egg at the right time in the right place. However, if the sperm can't penetrate the egg, that isn't a practical procedure."

"So we're going to have to do IVF…" he said, resting his head in his free hand.

"That's what I'm expecting. Depending on her labs, we'd have a protocol outlined for her. But basically, we'll need to harvest quite a few eggs, hopefully around 10-15. We'll then take the best sperm and insert one into each egg, and hope for fertilization. We'll then transfer one of the resulting embryos into her uterus, freezing any extras for the future. Then we sit back and wait, hoping one or both to implant, resulting in a pregnancy. But again, we're going to want to see what the rest of the labs say."

"Right," he said with a defeated voice.

"I'll give you both a call when everything is in, and we can go from there. You know how this works, Derek."

"I do," he said, walling off his emotions as they said goodbye. "Thanks for the update."

Derek cupped his hands over his mouth, his elbows resting on his knees. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to make wild love to Meredith, and they'd have a child. It wasn't supposed to involve pills and Petri dishes. It wasn't supposed to be this ordeal where Meredith would have to inject God knows what into her flesh while he could only sit and watch. A look of disgust crossed his face as he thought about his role in comparison; his only job was to jerk off into a cup. He would be subjecting Meredith to emotionally and physically draining treatment. What was worse was the realization of his greatest fear. She'd have to endure the hormones, the worry, the invasion of her body…all because he wasn't good enough.

His day was done, and Meredith was off picking up groceries for their night at home together. He got in his car, and rolled down his windows. Mist swept across his face as he sped towards the only place he could think of to get some perspective. He parked his car at the house, noting that Meredith hadn't come back yet. He changed into his boots and began a slow hike into the woods.

Placing one steady foot in front of the other, his hands picked up rocks along the path, chucking them into the trees and brush. It was a path that he had walked endlessly with Doc and with Meredith, but it gave him the most peace when he walked it alone. There was no noise of the machines in the hospital, no flashing lights from the city below. It was just a chance to listen to nature, and his soul. He loved the woods, ever since his father had taken him camping. They didn't get to go often, but the few times that they did had aged like fine wine in his memory. It was just the two of them. Derek's dad would show him how to fish, how to set up a tent, and as the fire crackled after dusk, he'd tell him stories that Derek "would understand when you're older". He was older now, and would love to have some of that advice.

He had walked for about thirty minutes when he came to a small break in the trees. It wasn't much, but there was a large boulder that he could lay on and stare at the stars on a clear night. Of course, in Seattle, those nights were few and far between, and tonight was no exception. Every few moments, though, there would be a slight break where a brief twinkle would pierce through the clouds. He laid there, his hands behind his head staring at the sky between the majestic evergreens. It was then that he decided that there was only one person he wanted to talk to about this besides Meredith. He had never done this before, and probably would have thought himself crazy any other time. Right now though, it was exactly what he needed.

"Dad...I don't know what to do. I need you, and you're not here. Maybe you're up there, or you're just roaming the earth, or maybe I'm just talking to air. But if you're here…" he sighed. "I don't know how much you see or know about my life these days. I was married for a long time, but that didn't work out. Now I'm with this amazing force of nature. Meredith. Her name is Meredith, and she and I…we're going to make it. We have to, because I don't think I can breathe without her."

"Did you ever feel that way about mom? Like nothing in the world matter except keeping her safe?" Derek paused for a moment. He knew that he wouldn't get an answer, but it seemed appropriate to take a breath. "I'm about to put her through all this crap, and she never wanted any of this. She does now, I know she does." He allowed his eyes to close as he spoke, almost in prayer. The foliage absorbed the sound of his voice, leaving no echo in the air around him.

"We're trying to start a family, our family. I miss having a family, I miss you, Dad. And Meredith, she never really even got the chance to have one...a family, a father. She's really something. How she does it…how she's become who she is?" He shook his head in disbelief. "I hope we get the chance to have kids, Dad. Because she deserves to know that her laugh lights up a room. And our kids? They'd have her laugh. I've pictured it so many times. Before it was even a possibility, I thought about it. And now? Now it may not be possible. I keep screwing up. I make her these grandiose promises and then I crush her. That's what I do. I break her…over and over again." He brought a hand from behind his head to wipe off the tear that was pooling in his eye, and then it returned back again.

"Why can't I just get this one thing right for her? I just want her to know that love…real love is unconditional. It doesn't matter if she's dark and twisty or the prom queen. She is flawed and skittish and stubborn…and perfect. If she didn't have those things, she wouldn't be the woman I love. I'll always love her, and…" he stopped abruptly as a thought caught up with him. A smile crossed his face as he felt a calm understanding wash through his body.

He wasn't a religious man, nor was he terribly spiritual. Derek Shepherd was a man of science. But in these woods, talking to the night air, something finally clicked. Maybe it was the act of asking for help, or perhaps it was a coincidence of timing, but he knew where he needed to be. He dusted off his pants as he came to standing, walking back down the trail he had ascended nearly an hour before.

_Meredith._

His pace began to quicken as the image of her smile passed through his mind.

_Meredith._

He broke into a jog, not wanting to waste another moment on pity or fear.

_Meredith._

Her name became a mantra as he finally could see the lights of the front porch of their home. Their home, that had been built from their tears, sweat, and love.  
He took a moment to catch his breath before stepping inside, because finally, it had all become so clear. There was only one thing that mattered; the rest of it would just work itself out.

_Meredith._

A half hour later, Derek walked in through the garage, leaving his muddy boots behind. He was soaked from the light rain that had begun to fall, but barely felt a thing. As he made his way to the open kitchen, he saw the perfect sight. Meredith was standing up against the island, cutting tomatoes for the salad, water beginning to boil behind her for the pasta that they were planning on making together. She had come a long way. She still wouldn't cook a full meal unsupervised, but when Derek was by her side, she managed to be a great sous chef. He watched her dice the onions that would go in the sauce. Her bottom lip was between her teeth, and her brow was furrowed in concentration. Her hair was a bit frizzy from the humidity, and he didn't think she had any idea that her left sneaker was untied. She was gorgeous.

He let out a slight cough, which got her attention.

"There you are! I was worried you got caught up in surgery," she said as she came over to kiss him quick on the cheek. "What happened? You're all wet and…ick."

He shook his head, his bottom lip stuck out as he let a smile creep across his face. "I love you. I don't know if I tell you that enough, Meredith, but I do. I…" he said, taking in a deep breath, as if a weight had been lifted. "I love you."

Meredith stood facing him, but her eyes flitted around, as if she was looking for something she had missed. He was smiling, so whatever it was couldn't be bad. "I love you too," she assured him. "Are you okay?"

_I love you too._ That was all he needed to hear, why he had been able to leave the forest and come home. She wouldn't care what the news was that he had in store, she loved him. She loved him for the good and the bad. She loved them despite their past and because of their history. She loved him when his hair was all over the place and his morning breath was enough to knock over the dead. She loved him unconditionally, and he finally got it.

"Right now, in this moment? Everything is perfect."

"Okayyyyy," she said, not quite sure where this mood was coming from. "Um…are you still in the mood to make sauce and pasta?"

He walked up behind her, placing his hands over hers as they began to slice up the remaining ingredients for their dinner. She laughed lightly as he moved his arms with hers, a sound that reverberated in his chest, filling him with hope. He closed his eyes, as he let her hands guide them. The feeling of being against her was the best remedy for what ailed him tonight.  
"If you don't watch yourself, I'm going to end up slicing one of your fingers, you know," she laughed.

Derek did some quick math in his head and shrugged, popping a slice of tomato into his mouth. "200,000 less a year. Your salary should cover that eventually."

Meredith put the knife carefully away from them as she turned in his arms and feigned insult. "You're horrible."

"I'm your boss," he said in a low voice, his eyes bright and playful.

Meredith swooped out from between his arms and moved over to the fridge to get the ready-to-boil ravioli out. "Not in this house, you're not…" she countered definitively. "I want dinner."

"Yeah?" he said as he moved towards her, the two playing a cat and mouse game around the room. "Well, I want sex." With that he swiftly moved toward her now hysterically laughing form, lassoing his arm around her waist to catch her as she tried to run past him. He carried her into the great room, where a soft carpet would be able to cushion them. Despite his playful exuberance, he didn't want something loud and raucous. He just wanted to be able to express his love and devotion after his revelation in the woods.

After making love, they laid in each other's arms, perfectly content. Derek was staring up at the ceiling, running his fingers along Meredith's long hair and then down her back. The motion was slow and innate, as if his finger were a train, running along the track of her spine. Meredith smiled into his chest, eyes closed with her arms wrapped around his torso.  
"I talked to Dr. Eckhart today," Derek murmured quietly in a soothing tone.

Meredith rolled a bit so she could peer up at him, still coming off of her high. "Mmmhmm? What did he say?"

"Some good news, some not so good news," he confided, taking in slow breaths. "And we still have another week to go until the rest of the workup is back."

"Do I want the good news or the bad news first?" Meredith asked, a bit of nerves creeping into her voice.

Derek let out a sigh, mentally steadying himself. Even with all of the distance they had traveled together, it was still difficult for him to admit to any shortcoming. "Some of my labs came back low, and they're recommending IVF. I'm so sorry, Mer." As he apologized, he couldn't help but bring her closer to him, their warmth a contrast to the cool air in the room. "I know this isn't the way we hoped it would work, and I'll understand if it's too much for you."

"I don't know…that's…are you okay?"

"Not entirely," he smiled. "Not exactly the news I was hoping for, but I can live with it. I resigned myself to not having kids a long time ago, and it's…I can live with that. But I can't live with you going through something you don't want to, so I need you to do something for me."

"Um…okay."

"I need you to think about this, I don't want an answer tonight. And we can talk. I'll talk about this as much as you want. I know enough about how this works from Addison, and I want you to really consider everything. The good, the bad…and we have other options. We can adopt, we can just be ourselves and not have kids."

"But you want kids…you want kids that came from us."

"I just want you."

"Derek."

"Seriously, Meredith." Derek sat up, leaning against the sofa, pulling Meredith with him. His attempt to hide behind humor had evaporated, and he wanted to make sure that Meredith heard him clearly. "Yes, I do. It would be great if you and I could just have kids, no help, just us. I wish we could just make this easier. I…I don't want…see…we've had our share of complicated. I don't want to put you through more of that…but if we do this... it won't be easy. I can't have you…if you're only doing this for me, I can't…please just think about it."  
Meredith nodded as she listened to Derek speak. This was a big decision, and she was so thankful that he wasn't asking her to choose tonight. Since their meeting with the doctor, she had played on the internet and done her research as any doctor would. These were life altering choices she was making. In the medical arena, she made those choices for patients every day. Rarely did she make such choices for herself. She needed time, and was glad that Derek was not only giving it to her, but insisting on it.

"Okay…yeah, I can think about it," she managed to muster. "Wait, you said there was good news too…"

Derek let an evil grin play across his features as he said, "My total count was fine…we can have all the sex we want." He leaned back over her, and growled into her neck, as she slapped at his back, both of them finding laughter again.

"FOOD DEREK!" Meredith yelped, begging for mercy.

"Fine," he chuckled, easing up on her. "But put some clothes on…naked cooking of sauce is not something I recommend."

"So you speak from experience?" she teased.

"Very bad idea for hot things to splatter on skin. I'll just leave it at that."

"Okay," she snickered as she pulled on her shirt, relieved that they could talk about serious issues and still just be themselves. "Maybe just naked dessert then."

_**A/N:**_** There may be a lot of technical and medical jargon that I throw out there over updates moving forward. Feel free to ask, because no questions are stupid, and I'm happy to explain how it all works.  
**


	28. Chapter 28

Meredith had been seeing Dr. Wyatt for what seemed like ages. Over the course of the prior year, she had been so impressed by Meredith's progress that she had been able to reduce her sessions down to every other week. Today…today Meredith had something to talk about. She didn't have a mother. Izzie would be too cutesy, Cristina would be too harsh. She needed someone to help her hash through all the jumble of thoughts racing through her mind. She chewed a bit on her thumb as she debated how to start the conversation. Dr. Wyatt knew that she and Derek had been trying to start a family, and had been surprisingly encouraging. Meredith fiddled with her ring, sneaking glances at the perpetually bright fish tank. It was sometimes easier to look away from the therapist when she wanted to get something out. Looking her in the eye was still intimidating to some degree. Dr. Wyatt knew her inside and out, which was both terrifying and liberating at the same time.

"I'm stuck," she opened.

"What are you stuck on?"

"Something Derek asked me to think about."

Dr. Wyatt sat calmly in her chair, knowing that if she sat long enough, Meredith usually came around to speaking.

"We got some of the lab work back for him, and…and now I have a choice to make."

"What choice is that?"

"If it's important to me to have kids or not. And Derek…he's fine, I mean, it's his labs that aren't, but I mean supportive…he's being supportive. But if we want to have biological kids, we're going to have to do IVF, and that's assuming all of my stuff is fine. Of course how could my stuff be fine? My stuff is never fine. Look at me, I'm here…clearly, my stuff is not fine."

"Here meaning therapy?" Dr. Wyatt clarified. When Meredith didn't correct her, she continued. "Meredith, do you know how far you've come in here? Do you think you could even be considering your options a year ago?"

Meredith simply shrugged off her accomplishments, which was far easier than accepting that she was not as dark and twisty as she once was.

"Tell me, what is there to think about? What are you considering?"

Meredith sighed, trying to catch the words that were scattered about. There was too much to think about. "We still don't have my labs back, so it could all be a moot point, but…we could do IVF. We could adopt. We could go without kids. And I don't know. I don't [i]know what I want[/i]," she explained as she gestured with her hands.

"You don't?" the therapist challenged.

"Are you saying I do?"

"I'm saying you and Derek have a lot of knowledge and opinions between you both, and I bet you feel more strongly than you think you do."

Meredith considered the possibility, and eyed Dr. Wyatt cautiously.

"Meredith, you've been seeing me for a while now. We've talked about all of this. The wedding, the kids. What do you want to do?"

"I want Derek to be able to be a father."

"So you don't want to be childless?" she asked, leaving little room for argument.

"No…I don't think so. You should see him with patients' kids," Meredith smiled, thinking about the picture in her mind. "He's a natural. I don't think I ever see him happier than when he's playing with kids."

"Then one of your options isn't really an option, is it?"

"No, but…"

"But what Meredith?"

"I don't know…this is just much harder than I expected. I didn't think I'd have to think about it. Do you know how much money we've wasted on condoms?" she spat in exasperation.

Dr. Wyatt nodded, allowing Meredith to continue.

"His hair, and his eyes."

"Who?"

"Derek. Our kids. Did I tell you that I was just sitting in the kids' room the other day, and I just sat there? It must have been an hour at least. I imagined they were there…our kids. And they had his hair and smiled at me with his eyes. I want him to be able to see that too."

"Why wouldn't he be able to?"

"If I can't…if we can't…if I…" Meredith choked.

"What Meredith…what are you so scared about?"

"What if I'm not strong enough to do this?"

"Do what?" Wyatt probed.

"Treatment or adoption or any of it? What if I can't be a good mother? I don't exactly have the best examples in that area you know."

"You're getting too far ahead of yourself, Meredith. Do you know why you shouldn't worry about whether or not you will be a good parent?"

Meredith looked blankly at her therapist.

"Because you're already worried about whether or not you'll be a good parent!" she pointed out. "You're considering whether or not you'll be able to care for them, and you're doing it because you already care so much."

"Oh…" Meredith pondered.

"So it's not coming easy for you both. When has anything [i]ever[/i] come easy to you and Derek? Has that stopped you before?"

"No."

"Then why is it stopping you now?"

Meredith sat on the couch, glancing again to her side, watching the aquarium. She had no answer for that.

"You're a doctor, and you know that fertility treatments are an exhausting process. So is adoption. So is being a parent. You want Derek to be a parent, I understand that, and I hear you, but what do [i]you[/i] want?"

Meredith opened her mouth to start a battle, but closed it again, knowing that she hadn't actually answered that question yet. "I want to be a parent with Derek. I don't want to give up," she finally admitted.

"Then don't. Don't give up Meredith."

Meredith tapped her fingernail on her teeth as she allowed the realization to sink in. She wanted to at least give it a try. It wouldn't be easy, but Dr. Wyatt was right…when had they ever settled for easy before?

"Meredith? What are you doing here?" Derek smiled in surprise, as Meredith bolted into his office. "I thought you had an appointment with Dr. Wyatt."

"I do, I did…I mean, I finished," she said as she stood in the doorway, nervous and fidgeting, but determined. "Yes."

"I wasn't aware I asked anything," he laughed, spinning towards her in his chair, "but do go on. I like when you say yes around me." He gave her a playful grin as he wiggled his eyebrows.

Meredith rolled her eyes at Derek as she closed the door behind her and planted her feet in front of him. She had been preparing what she wanted to say for the last hour, going so far as to practice in front of the mirror in the ladies' room. This wasn't something she needed a speech for. She and Derek had been published together, had moved in together, and had decided to start a family. Why, then, did she feel this overwhelming need to give a lengthy oration?

"I want to do this. I mean, I don't…I don't know anyone who actually [i]wants[/i] to go through all of this, but I think, I mean, I know…dammit! This sounded so much better in my head," she groaned in frustration.

Derek had no idea where this was coming from, nor did he have a sure idea where she was going with her ramble. Even though he knew it would certainly get him in trouble, Derek couldn't help but find Meredith completely adorable. The more distressed she got, the wider his grin got. At one point, he grabbed one elbow with one hand, while the other muffled a laugh at her expense.

"Great, now you're laughing at me," she sighed as she slapped her hands against her thighs. "[i]I'm the one[/i] who is gonna have to stick needles on her ass. And you're laughing at me."

As Derek began to process the implications of her words, he managed to stifle his laughs, inviting her to join him over on his couch. Slightly bewildered and drained, Meredith followed. Derek had his right arm laying across the back of the couch towards Meredith, who slouched and stuck her feet out into the room.

"Are you sure?" he asked, as his lofted hand moved slightly to stroke her hair.

"I'm sure," she nodded softly.

"Because there's a lot that you're going to need to…"

"I am actually a doctor too, Derek. I think I have an idea of how this works."

"I know, I just…I want you to be sure."

"I am…and we have our appointment in a few days, so we can figure it out from there."

"Okay," he said, allowing a small grin in spite of the hard road ahead.

"One condition."

"I think you've earned a few conditions," he laughed.

"Good. Then I want to do this."

"I think we already covered that we were doing this."

"No," she shook her head, realizing that she hadn't specified what 'this' was. "I mean get married. I'm…let's do this."

Derek narrowed his eyes at Meredith, a silly sparkle flashing at her. She was going to try to have his kids, and he was giddy as a kid on his birthday, except the present would be far better. "Again, I think that's been covered by the whole being engaged thing."

Meredith raised her voice a bit in annoyance, but Derek would not be deterred. Nothing was getting in the way of this mood. "Can you just be serious for five minutes?"

"Sorry, the floor is yours Dr. Grey," he said very professionally, almost mocking her.

"What I mean is…can't we just go to City Hall? You, me, Mark, Cristina? Something quiet and simple? I want to get married, but if we're doing this…I mean the kid thing…and I'm still a resident…I can't think about planning a wedding on top of everything too…" she said calmly, but something in her voice conveyed that she really would beg for this if she could.

"Mer…" Derek sighed.

"No, listen to me. You said I had conditions to burn, so I want to burn one on this."

"I can't do that Meredith. My sisters…my mom…you think they're annoying now? We elope and they'll string me up before I can make good on you earning those conditions."

Meredith took in a deep breath through her nose, expelling it harshly in disappointment.

"Listen, I get what you're saying, and you're right, that's a lot on your plate. How about I make you a deal?"

"Heh. I'm going to be enduring intense hormonal manipulation to try and carry your child…this better be a good deal."

"What if we do something simple. We can keep it small, but we still do [i]something[/i]. I'm okay not doing big and flashy. I don't want something like that. It's not us. Believe it or not though, I want something to look back on. You're going to want something to look back on."

Meredith looked sideways at him, not fully convinced, but still listening.

"Mark said something a while ago…it sounded good at the time, but I forgot about it…. what if we went to wine country. Sonoma. We could rent out a function room at a vineyard, have our friends there. Nothing big, but no one will feel left out either."

"I don't know…"

Derek turned on the couch, facing Meredith now. "It can be small, but this is something that would mean a lot to me. I'll leave it up to you to figure out anything else you want, but please?"

Her lips tight and pursed, Meredith looked at Derek, and saw that this was important. And he was right, this was one of those things that she'd want to look back on. She may not get dressed up very often, and also hated being the center of attention, but when she thought of their wedding day, she could only give one reply. "Okay…yeah," she nodded with increasing fervor.

"Sonoma?"

"Can I drink myself silly to get rid of my nerves?"

"Not if I hold up on my part of the bargain…" he smiled widely, as his pager went off. "Crap."

"Gotta go?" Meredith pouted.

"Sorry," he said, grabbing her face for a quick kiss. "Incoming trauma. Why don't you talk to your friends, I bet Izzie'd love to plan some of it for you. Less stuff for you to think about."

As Derek pedaled away from his office, Mark poked his head in, and stared at a stunned Meredith.

"Everything okay, Grey?"

Broken from her trance-like state, she turned her head quickly towards the voice at the door. "Yeah…um…yeah. I think…I think I just told Derek that we're going to get married in 4 months."

"No wonder he had that smug look on his face," Mark stated as he looked back into the hall where Derek had just run towards. "You know…I have this tradition with Derek…"

"Oh?"

"Best man gets to sleep with the bride," he laughed.

"Get out, Mark," Meredith grumbled.

"I'm just sayin'…"

"Out! Now! Before I tell him what you said and let him kick your ass like I should do right now," she said as her own pager went off. As she shut the door behind her, she smiled to herself. Everything was finally coming together.


	29. Chapter 29

Meredith peered at the pile of drugs in front of her in the master bathroom. "I wonder what one of our trial patient's drugs would look like if you lined them all up like this."

"It's not like you're taking them all at once, this is a month's worth of drugs, " Derek pointed out.

"I know," she sighed. "It's just…a lot, that's all."

"I know….I know it is," he nodded as he drew up a syringe of hormones. "You ready?" Derek asked as Meredith leaned over the sink.

"Do I have a choice?" she mumbled, making Derek wince slightly out of guilt before she apologized. "Sorry."

Meredith had been back to the doctor a few weeks before and now were in the middle of their IVF cycle. There wasn't anything new that had been turned up in Meredith's labs, and so with the beginning of her next period, they had been able to begin.

"No, that's okay, I'm sticking you with needles, you can say whatever you want," he soothed as he stuck the needle into the muscle on her backside. His heart sank as he pressed the plunger, as if it was admitting defeat in a sense. Meredith looked out into the room as Derek gently placed a band-aid on the injection site. She pulled her pants back up as Derek pulled her close, each closing their eyes. His hand held behind her head as she rested against his shoulder. He sighed deeply, trying to be strong, but still feeling horrible for putting Meredith into this position. "Whatever happens, I…thank you, for trying."

Meredith pulled back slightly and softly smiled as she looked into Derek's eyes, which had a fine sheen of moisture fighting to cover them. "It's gonna be okay Derek. One month from now, I'll go in for blood work, and it'll all be behind us, okay?"

She snuggled into his arms as he nodded silently, placing a kiss on her forehead. She could tell he was struggling with this, but so far, she was doing alright. She frowned as she thought about Derek, and how hard this had to be for him. He had always wanted to be a father, and now knowing that he was the cause for her pain, it was excruciating. This was something she wanted, but without Derek, she would never have dreamt of being a parent. It wasn't that she hadn't wanted to be one, but all she knew was that a strong woman was meant to work, just like Ellis. Family didn't play into her mother's life, and so it simply never had for Meredith.

It was all new and fresh for her, the promise of a family. She was disappointed that it had come to this point, but if Meredith was good at anything, it was self-torture. So she had to inject herself with drugs and hormones. It was a small price to pay to get even a little step closer to the fairytale with Derek.

It was a pain in the ass…literally, but compared to the heartbreak in her past, it was child's play. She hadn't spent 11 years of marriage and 2 years of subsequent limbo between a wife and a flakey girlfriend, wondering if she'd ever get her chance, but Derek had. As the enormity of her role sank in, she swallowed hard. She was it, she was his chance for a family. She shook her head to herself to dismiss the thought. Even if they never had children, they would always be a family.

Wedding plans had begun. They had chosen an artisan winery in the Russian River Valley of Sonoma in California. One evening, Meredith had gone out to dinner with Derek and Mark, and it had been amusing watching the two of them debate their favorite wines as if they were in the movie "Sideways".

"I'm just saying, only prima donnas exclusively drink Pinot Noir," Mark had insisted.

"Fine, well when you bring your date of the month to the J wineries and she tells you that she likes the Merlot, you're going to tell me she's an idiot for not choosing the Pinot," Derek snapped back as he popped a cashew into his mouth.

Meredith stopped their conversation dead as she let out a loud guffaw, giggling lightly as they turned to stare.

"Excuse me?" Derek smirked.

"It's just funny listening to you two talk about wine. All I know is if it tastes like red or it tastes likes white," she laughed.

"Derek, I love your fiancée and all, but you need to work on that," Mark shook his head in shame.

"What?" Meredith protested. "Because I'm not a wine snob?"

"Haven't you ever taken her to a fancy restaurant, Derek?" Mark asked, as he turned to Meredith to explain. "He gets all puffed up and orders something expensive. God forbid someone get the pronunciation wrong. He likes to know more than the sommelier. Then he goes through a whole ritual of tasting the wine, admiring the flavor and bouquet." Mark circled a hand in the air as if there was an air of supremacy in Derek's movements.

"I like to make sure the wine hasn't turned," Derek insisted.

"Like a prima donna!" Mark stated, resting his case.

Sensing Derek's worry, Meredith led them both to one of the spare rooms that laid empty, a few boxes placed in the corner, sent from Derek's sisters. She sat him down and leaned back against his chest as he leaned against the wall. "Where do you want to put a crib?"

Creeping out of his own head, he mumbled," What do you mean?"

"A crib. When we have a kid, I can't imagine you want him sleeping with us."

Meredith could feel Derek smile as he kissed her cheek. "No, you're the only one I share a bed with, no matter how cute."

"So…where?"

"Maybe over on that side," he pointed.

"So the moon can shine in?" she asked, turning her head to his.

"Like tonight, yeah," he said, almost in a whisper. "We could put the changing table right over there."

"Mmhmm. That'll come in handy when you do the overnight diapers."

"Need to give you your beauty rest," he began to laugh.

"Don't you need yours?" she asked sweetly, playing with his ego.

"Oh no, I'm already as beautiful as they come," he joked back.

Meredith rolled her eyes, knowing she had walked right into that one. "We're gonna be parents, Derek. I just know it. It really is going to be okay."

"I know," he sighed in admittance of relief, "I know."

"You look like crap," Cristina said as she sat down next to Meredith for lunch a few days later.

"Didn't sleep," Meredith yawned.

"Ooooh right," Crisitna laughed. "You and McDreamy had date night last night. No wonder you're like the walking dead."

"That is [i]not[/i] why I didn't sleep," she protested as her friend looked on disbelievingly. Meredith rolled her eyes and laughed, "Okay, that was part of the reason."

"Do not lie to me…I am all knowing," Cristina smirked, circling her pointed finger at Meredith's face.

"I need to start planning this wedding," Meredith sighed.

"You sound real excited about that, Mer," Christina laughed.

"I am, really," Meredith quickly corrected, her right hand reaching across her chest to massage her own shoulder. "Just have a lot on my mind."

"Have you and Derek decided on anything yet?"

"We were talking about going somewhere, maybe a vineyard in Sonoma. I tried to go the city hall route, but he said I deserve to actually have a real wedding," she shrugged. "Still planning on small though…no big churchy thing."

"Are we talking about the wedding?" Izzie said as she joined her friends in the cafeteria.

"Yeah," Cristina said, flinging a lazy hand towards Meredith. "Can you help her? I think I've already filled up my wedding space. This is your territory, Barbie."

"Ooh, can I Mer?" Izzie eagerly asked with wide eyes.

Cristina and Meredith shared a look that spelled relief as Meredith handed a notebook over to Izzie. "Here's what I have so far. It's a list of vineyards with openings in the next few months, and a list of Derek's family and our friends. That's about as far as I've figured out."

"Do you know when you want to do it?" her friend asked, in excited anticipation.

"Soonish," Meredith shrugged. "We're practically married as it is, I don't want this to be a big thing or whatever."

"But it [i]is[/i] a big thing Meredith. You're getting married. You only get to do that once" Meredith raised her eyebrow at Izzie's claim, considering she was marrying someone who had done this before. "Well fine, but you and Derek are doing this once and doing it forever, so you may as well do something you like."

"Fine," Meredith agreed, rolling her eyes. "But I don't want a big fluffy white dress or anything."

"Ugh, I'd need a hell of a lot of wine to stomach that," Cristina added as the other two laughed.

"Well, what would you want?" Izzie probed.

"I dunno. Maybe a nice navy Ralph Lauren gown. I just want to feel sexy. White…definitely not sexy." Meredith protested.

"White can be sexy…" Izzie frowned.

"Aw, you could be all angelic," Crisitna laughed as she gently framed Meredith's face with her hands. "How sweet…"

"I don't want to be an angel. I want to be hot, dammit. I want to be the hottest woman he's ever seen." Meredith huffed.

Izzie narrowed her eyes in thought as she tapped a finger on her cheek. "I think we can handle that. Are you free this weekend to go shopping?"

Meredith chewed her bottom lip. "Actually, we have the doctor tomorrow for some stuff and then I think three days later, so that's Sunday. I don't know if I really want to go then."

"Are you okay?" Izzie asked with concern.

"Of course she's okay. She's just getting surgically knocked up 'cause McDreamy's shooting blanks."

"[i]CRISTINA![/i]" Meredith growled.

"What?" Cristina backed up. "At least you know there won't be any little secret McBabies popping up like his wife did."

"You're doing IVF?" Izzie whispered, placing a hand on Meredith's arm.

Meredith nodded, slightly embarrassed.

"Are you okay? Should you even be here? How long have you been trying? Is Derek okay? Is that why you want to get married so fast?"

"Both of you! Stop it!" Meredith glared, before composing herself. "Yes we're trying, yes we need help, and yes, I'd like to actually be married if we're doing all of this. Can we just not talk about it?"

Izzie and Cristina shared a look at Meredith's brief outburst. As calm as she was with Derek about this, she found herself becoming more and more snappish as the treatment went on. Cristina glanced at Izzie with a nod, "It's the estrogen."

"Definitely the estrogen," Izzie agreed.

"I hate it! My mood's all over the place, my pants are tight…I feel like I'm growing grapefruit in my freakin' ovaries! Screw brain tumors. I'm gonna find a way for the guy to have to deal with this crap. Stupid boy penises."

"Wow, Mer. I'm just…I mean…you really love him. I didn't even know you guys were trying, and now, you're doing this? Why don't you just adopt?"

"Are you serious Izzie? You think any social worker would let me take care of a kid? Seriously? Do you know how hard that is? There's paperwork and visits and interviews and who knows if anyone would pick us. Ugh," Meredith groaned as she laid her fore head on the table.

"I didn't mean to…" Izzie started quietly.

"Whatever. You don't know what it's like, it's okay," Meredith said, shaking her head as Izzie became uncharacteristically quiet.

"You're right, sorry. Just…if you want to talk about it…"

"Maybe later. Listen, I'm just gonna…I have a thing." Meredith said as she stood to leave.

"Meredith, I'm sorry," Izzie plead.

"It's fine. I'll…we'll go dress shopping next week. I'll see you guys later or something," she replied, leaving the cafeteria quickly.

"Way to go," Cristina sighed as she sipped her coffee.

"I should go talk to her. I know that…"

"No," Cristina snapped, defensive of her person. "You know what? You don't know. You have no idea."

"Crisitna, wait…"

"No, Izzie. Meredith is doing all of this treatment and this assvice of yours is not helpful."

"It's not…assvice? What's assvice?"

"Advice that you pulled from your ass."

"But I didn't…"

"Maybe if you would take a second and listen to her…" Cristina lectured, "…you kinda are. She and Derek figured out what they want, so who are you to tell her to do something else? All while she's on god knows how many hormones."

"Nobody," Izzie said clearing her place. "I'm nobody. Never mind, I'm not hungry anymore."

"Fine." Cristina said curtly.

"Fine. But maybe I do know more about this…whatever. I'll see you later," Izzie said remorsefully as she went to find Meredith to explain.


End file.
